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| Question #1262165796 | Wednesday, 30-Dec-2009 |
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| i am an enfj and have been in love with an istp girl since high school. i told her in emotional poems, and notes and she didn't respond. i thought that meant she would be interested. anyway the responses were off and on. if i sent a very brief note she would respond randomly once in a while apologizing for being busy always. risk taking and writing about. anyway when i asked her about life decisions and moving to be closer to her she went off and said i wasn't making sense, making plans with her in the future, she's happily dating someone. it was confusing she did not tell me this after the love poems and emails. anyway i said dating doesn't mean much and wanted to know if she had feelings for me. she never replied. then after some series lengthy emails, apology and continued brief emails with no response. i decided to say by and said sorry for the bother i won'te bug u and good luck with life on your terms. then she all of sudden said she appreciated i wrote and thought about her and would be back home in the summer and would like to share a meal or something. anyway. as summer approach i wrote her saying how summer was beautiful now she was back, etc. also after reading about benjamin franklin's use of pen names i decided to support her by making up pen names to send to her office email as she is a reporter expressing how i liked her articles and what they meant to me. All summer passed to august and i sent her flowers using a pen name cheny and politcal names. I thought she would know it was me. but she didn't so i sent another email in which i left a clue it was me. she emailed out of the blue that day and said she was busy and only ate and worked as she just started her journalism career. then she asked if wrote to her? i like to selfless so i lied and said i didn't and she must have a lot of fans. i said i thought of her all summer and felt like she was here with. then all of sudden she said she couldn't meet , sorry about that and that she would rather not keep in touch as it made her uncomfortable that i thought about her so much-it doesn't make sense. thanks for respecting my feelings... this really hurt as she knew i was in lvoe with her and she had encouraged me to write. i apologized and said i am not a weirdo. I kept explaining and saying it's cool to not meet but don't make me a weirdo. then i said fine we won't keep in touch. but then i went off and kept emailing detailed long emotional emaisl ranging from i accept this as u are doing this for me...or u are uncomfortable due to your feelings...accusing her of hurting me etc...it's too long to keep on. then one day when i sent her 3 short emails she filed a police report. the police called and i explained my notes and as i never did anything but write her notes to explaina and get an answer they closed saying 'misunderstandng and lack of communication. the cop said she didn't like the use of fake names and was not interested. i don't get if she;s my friend my she didn't tell me this directrly. i had even begged her to say by on the phone rather than email and reassure me she's still my friend and she never did. all this hurt. then i diagnosed with her constant travel, lack of feelings in her writng, and odd behavior she was an istp and felt there were no hard feelings. i wrote to her twice after the police report and she didn't respond but did not do any more bad legal actions. this was clearly a scare tactic as i am a mild nice person. i am not a risk taker. she just broke the law and went to cuba and wrote about it. she does risky istp adventure things. anyway...last i left it i asked her not to hurt me in email and told her i don't want a relationship. i don't know what love is. sorry for wasting ryour tiime etc.. then i emailed again saying sorry don't hurt me...i am attracted to you and will wait for you as something tells me your worth it but i own't ever contact u again. so...anyway...i know going off emotionally in emails was bad but ... am i crazy to wait for her..i love her and feel we're soul mates...will she ever come back? please advise. confused but loyal enfj.... -- Anonymous |
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| A32 thanks for responses. a31: thanks Flint and Killz. this helps a lot. as a follow up as istp can u explain why didn't she just tell me what u said. y didn't she do anything to stop the hurting? do u have an explanation of that part? does she not believe me anymore or is it truely as an istp she can't help in emotional state i was in. a few sentences is all i wanted to understand. is it just she's donw with me but she still can't say that. also if she wanted to not hurt me why hod it in until she got so mad she filed the report against me. do u think it was just anger and avoiding...default behavior she can't control. i just wanted to get what your assessment of her behavior is. to your point i have no common sense and am idealistic. i prefer direct straight facts. when i asked if your not interested let me know and i won't take it personally i meant it. i would not have been hurt cause i understand some people like or do not like things and it is just a preference no big deal but not communicating was hurtful to me. also why call some stranger and have them call me rather than talk to me directly. i mean that is so weird. do u think she feels bad about the whole thing too? is there anything i can say to make my point clearer? the fact she doesn't spam me is positive. i guess this was a bad misunderstanding made worse by her non response and my overeaction. right all she said was she would rather not be in touch and i reacted like she was leaving me and nt my friend and went into heavy despair. the fact she did not intervene made it worse and worse on me. the fact she still reads and goes off once in a while and refuses to say anything when i say 'if your not my friend and don't care///say so' all leads me to believe she is mad at me and wants me to give her space. that is a simple and easy to accept proposition much better than she hates me or is mean or doesn't care. those hurt espec as i have comitted to this tihng forever. right i agreed to the risk of waiting and her never coming. that was what i agreed to 3 years ago when i told her i loved her and stuff. the fact she's dating someone happily is fine and i am happy for her but i have to be true to myself and wait it out. i am cool with no communication cause now that's my only way to show i care and love her for real. is this something she will understand? or is that going to come across as non sense as it is not common sense? can she understand that is the best i can offer to support her freedom right now-no emails and out of touch. i kept syaing i don't come to see her to show i respect your decision. it hurt a lot and when i was crying there were times i wanted to go see her and talk but i always stopped myself cause i thgouth she as an istp could not handle it if she was not willing to email or talk on the phone. i'll never know if she can understand self-sacrifice as an istp. can she? does she atleast get i am tryng my best althought it looks bad with the emails? if you can let me know if an istp can understand this point that would help a lot atleast in terms of comforting me. thanks -- Anonymous |
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| A33 Good grief are we still on this? Let it go. She wasn't right for you. Time to move on with your life. You can't be enjoying this misery. You will find the right girl, but you have to take care of yourself first. MOVE ON! And never ever let someone else become more important to you than yourself. Be the planet, not the moon. -- Anonymous |
| A34 thanks. i think i figured it out. by being so passive...and being nicer and nicer until she blew up and also being hurt she wouldn't respond to my pain to help me talk this trhough is all explained by animus theory. i have been anima posessed and that's why i have been acting like a weepy woman...and this in turn activates her animus...the cold inner judgment against me of 'you think so much about me it doesn't make sense'...this doesn't even sound like her. it;'s her inner negative animus voice judging me. the jungian stuff says there are only 3 cures as i can see: 1) she has to grow spiritually and decide what's important and stop the animus from poisoning her mind with complaints that seem generally true but may not apply to the specifics. yes, i did think a lot cause i had not seen her in a decade and wanted to do something nice. so her complaint is valid but it doesn;t make sense cause she knows i lvoe rher and had encouraged me to write to her... 2) some book suggest the conflict will go away if i get another female friend to talk to her and explain the issue so she does not activated when attacking me. it says men never do this because once they are anima posessed they can;'t think straight it is too late to step back see how this whole thing could have been diffused. 3) i would have to stop acting so passive (i'll do anything...i'll wait forever...i am trying to force myself to not talk to you and think of you but it's failing ..admitting to all sorts of doutbs to passify or appease her even though i did nothing wrong ...except for making such a big deal about being mistreated, ignored and then accused even though i was trying to be more and more understanding...) I did the worst thing per these books but once my anima was activated it's too late...i got defensive, and critical, and moody etc. I don't think i can pull off being more masculine and confronting the animus. i have to face the fear of being a boy that if i tell her the truth that she is being nasty to me and stuff i fear i will lose her. that's why i try not to critize or stand up to her. i a scraed she'll stop loving me. the books i read was ...this is a fear every boy must face and the fear she will leave if i tell her the truth or confront is usually unfounded cause if someone cares they won't leave for telling them how you feel. i can't decide which path to do. i was going to write her but then i started drafting long emails where i try to confront but couch it passive ways. then added attachments of jungian theory so she can read them herself and know i am only doing this cause of the theory and am not really confronting her. i want to tell her i am not scared of her but cause i spent days writing 4 long notes on this means i am still scared of her. it's not nice to get a call from police and to be asked...did u threaten someone and other embarassing questions. i am happy for her and her boyfriend it's just i want my friendship back and stuff and want to see her and talk to her once. -- Anonymous |
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