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Question #1262165796Wednesday, 30-Dec-2009
Category: ENFj ISTp Love Relationship Intertype Relations
i am an enfj and have been in love with an istp girl since high school. i told her in emotional poems, and notes and she didn't respond. i thought that meant she would be interested. anyway the responses were off and on. if i sent a very brief note she would respond randomly once in a while apologizing for being busy always. risk taking and writing about. anyway when i asked her about life decisions and moving to be closer to her she went off and said i wasn't making sense, making plans with her in the future, she's happily dating someone. it was confusing she did not tell me this after the love poems and emails. anyway i said dating doesn't mean much and wanted to know if she had feelings for me. she never replied. then after some series lengthy emails, apology and continued brief emails with no response. i decided to say by and said sorry for the bother i won'te bug u and good luck with life on your terms. then she all of sudden said she appreciated i wrote and thought about her and would be back home in the summer and would like to share a meal or something. anyway. as summer approach i wrote her saying how summer was beautiful now she was back, etc. also after reading about benjamin franklin's use of pen names i decided to support her by making up pen names to send to her office email as she is a reporter expressing how i liked her articles and what they meant to me. All summer passed to august and i sent her flowers using a pen name cheny and politcal names. I thought she would know it was me. but she didn't so i sent another email in which i left a clue it was me. she emailed out of the blue that day and said she was busy and only ate and worked as she just started her journalism career. then she asked if wrote to her? i like to selfless so i lied and said i didn't and she must have a lot of fans. i said i thought of her all summer and felt like she was here with. then all of sudden she said she couldn't meet , sorry about that and that she would rather not keep in touch as it made her uncomfortable that i thought about her so much-it doesn't make sense. thanks for respecting my feelings... this really hurt as she knew i was in lvoe with her and she had encouraged me to write. i apologized and said i am not a weirdo. I kept explaining and saying it's cool to not meet but don't make me a weirdo. then i said fine we won't keep in touch. but then i went off and kept emailing detailed long emotional emaisl ranging from i accept this as u are doing this for me...or u are uncomfortable due to your feelings...accusing her of hurting me etc...it's too long to keep on. then one day when i sent her 3 short emails she filed a police report. the police called and i explained my notes and as i never did anything but write her notes to explaina and get an answer they closed saying 'misunderstandng and lack of communication. the cop said she didn't like the use of fake names and was not interested. i don't get if she;s my friend my she didn't tell me this directrly. i had even begged her to say by on the phone rather than email and reassure me she's still my friend and she never did. all this hurt. then i diagnosed with her constant travel, lack of feelings in her writng, and odd behavior she was an istp and felt there were no hard feelings. i wrote to her twice after the police report and she didn't respond but did not do any more bad legal actions. this was clearly a scare tactic as i am a mild nice person. i am not a risk taker. she just broke the law and went to cuba and wrote about it. she does risky istp adventure things. anyway...last i left it i asked her not to hurt me in email and told her i don't want a relationship. i don't know what love is. sorry for wasting ryour tiime etc.. then i emailed again saying sorry don't hurt me...i am attracted to you and will wait for you as something tells me your worth it but i own't ever contact u again. so...anyway...i know going off emotionally in emails was bad but ... am i crazy to wait for her..i love her and feel we're soul mates...will she ever come back? please advise. confused but loyal enfj.... -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 13+ 17+ 18+ 19+ 23+ 24+ 26+ 27+ 28+ 32+ 35+
A13 also it hurt to be suspected or that's what i thought with her initial uncomfort rather not be in touch can't understand y you think so much about me...doesn't make sense message... why don't istps get enfj altruism....i did not want anythin g from her but to know she was happy cause of the notes telling her that her articles were appreciated by people out there.... i saw her innner need for attention and recognition and gave it and i did not intend to benefit at all. why can't istps process enfjs selfless altriums...it hurts to have that suspected misunderstoodd etc... it hurts to have all the love and sacrifices not count and be shown one does not matter enough to spend a few minutes of uncomfort to resolve issue and that calling strangers as a quick fix short sighted rather than dela with emotions or even a non emotional factual conversaiont ....is hurtful... i even had offered a non emotional dialogue to help me understand what she ws saying or facts not response...no resopnse to cries for help... no response but police report if i did something nice or acted like things were okay and she did not mean it or now things were okay ebtween us.. i was just showing i had not ill will and wanted to be cool and move on and give her some generous explanation for her behavior so guilt or regret would not hold her from coming back or even show no bad feelings on my side except hurt which want to go away with understanding and reconcilement... why can't 2 people discuss misunderstanding , be cool and move on all salvage good parts of friendshipp... why are istps such freaks and so shallow and petty and hurtful...at the most awkward moments...when u would think they could just be happy and say thanks but no thanks or something...instead of going off... -- Anonymous
A14 If she is an ISTp in Socionics and you are an ENFj, you are Conflicting types. That means that you communicate in completely different channels. Between Conflicting partners, everything is possible - even the situation when one partner praises the other in his best words and the other thinks he is being insulted on purpose. She probably saw this story from a completely different point of view, and would tell it in a completely different way. There are things and people in this world you just cannot understand. Trying to force your way of explaining things to apply on her behaviour will just make you more confused and unhappy. If I were you, I would read the section on Conflicting relations on this site, record this story into my memory as an interesting experience with someone who lives in a different world, even though it is hard, and move on. So far, you are just torturing yourself. -- Ezis (ESFp)
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A15 Hypothetical scenario: what if the ISTp of this story were an ISTj? How might relations have unfolded? Insights, anyone? And another thing - are ENFJs usually this indirect about expressing their feelings at the potential beginning of a relationship? If ISTjs are truly mistrustful and suspicious, is the ENFJ's sincere look in their eyes, gentle tone of voice, touch of the hand, indirect words etc. enough to be sure of their feelings, or does more usually take place? In other words - how do ENFJs and ISTJs typically get their relations off the ground? -- Anonymous
A16 To The ENFj Poster- The problem you are having is not socionics related. You should try to get some rational feedback from an understanding friend, counselor or therapist. Asking for advice from a personality website probably won't help your situation. I had a negative experience with a man who believed we were meant to be together when I never actually had any feelings for him. He was a good person but he started to imagine things that weren't there and it was hard to watch him obsess over these ideas. Especially because I never led him on. Take care of yourself and focus on a relationship with a woman who can verbally tell you she has feelings for you and would like to be in a relationship with you. -- Anonymous
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