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Question #1171095166Saturday, 10-Feb-2007
Category: Duality ESTp INFp ESTj INFj
Why are ESTps and INFps duals? Do ESTps treat INFps in a way they do not others? As far as negative traits go, many ESTps have a bad rap for over-materialism and exploitation. So an INFp enters the scene and ... what happens? Do ESTps actually soften? Feel protective of the INFp? Possibly reveal their tender side they don't show others? Do they suddenly give more than take? What happens? Also, why might INFjs find themselves happiest with ESTjs, as the theory goes? ESTjs - sweet as some can be - can become so terribly boring (sorry, ESTjs!), it's hard to believe INFjs wouldn't tire of an ESTj partner in a profoundly stifling way. Do they? Or do INFps experiences that? Perhaps INFjs can appreciate the security and normalness ESTj provides, but then it can get to be too much, too stagnant and stifling. What are the typical "pitfalls" of duality? And how do you know you've met your dual? -- blahblahblah
Your Answers: 1+ 7+ 11+ 15+ 22+ 33+ 43+ 50+ 62+
A7 CONFLICTING RELATIONS -- Hi aj, I'm starting to think that conflicting relations might BE good "workhorse" types of relationships, mutually driving each other and working together to achieve clear challenges. In all appearances, you can appear to get along well as a team - each handling different angles of the affairs and affirming each other in the face of disappointments. With humility, eventually each may learn to listen to each other in order to recognize faults they didn't realize they had, and try to grow. However, the understanding and sympathy for each other's weaknesses is not strong enough so that when personal problems rise between the two, they DO not see eye to eye and inadvertantly hurt each other in ways each perceives to be the worst form of travesty, and cannot view each other's actions and intentions for what they really WERE (total misunderstanding). When there are no more "problems" to conquer and it comes to just relaxing and enjoying each other for long periods of time, the couple is sort of clueless on how to just "enjoy each other" for more than a couple hours and one or both may ignore the other. There is often a painful alienation from each other, despite ongoing efforts to connect on a deeper level. The understanding, recognition for who you really are at a deeper level - it is just not there. As an INFj, you may want to consider that you have deep emotional needs for connection and being understood that go far deeper than envisioning yourself as someone else's healer (even though healing is indeed a very noble role). I once poured a great deal into someone whom I now am suspecting may have been my conflicting partner. Apart from the main goal of trying to build a real partnership and enjoy companionship (which never materialized anywhere near my satisfaction, despite ongoing efforts and discussions, which became agonizing), I also eventually hoped that he would BE helped by my insights - but he continued on with blindness in those areas which are my strengths, and eventually it became entirely too aggravating and a point of regular arguments. Outwardly, we seemed to agree on all affairs which did not affect united decision-making about our personal lives together. But once an issue involved both of us dealing with a personal problem, we continually had a clash of values and perspectives, which made me mistrust his wisdom and leadership if we were to build more of a life together. Another observation: there is a tendency, during relaxed times together, of beating one's conflicting partner over the head with your dominant function - or even it's reciprocal - (e.g., Fi or Te for you) - when you long for deeper intimacy, and doing this so much that you can tire of it yourself. He likes what he sees - but does not participate. You feel isolated, lonely, unbalanced - because there is no "check" to keep you from going over the top. Furthermore, to illustrate this dynamic in your case, you would find his ESTp expressions of Te and Fi (whatever that looks like) to be cute and sort of eccentric, but long for deeper, more frequent expressions of this function (the way an ESTj would) - especially Te - in order to really FEEL loved. Does any of this resonate with you? -- blahblahblah
A8 blahblahblah, on feeling isolated,lonely and unbalanced in an INFj/ESTp relationship. I feel as having the ESTp in my life at this time was meant to be. There are no accidents. We probably projected this need to be together, at this time, onto each other. Through the lonliness, I have experienced an awakening. I spent many years at home within my safe zone, the ESTp has shown me another side to life. That side is a bit much for me most times, but I've learned to take a "taste" of it now and again. It has made me grow. But, yes, something is lacking-and that something is the deep emotional connection you speak of. (Probably explains why we've been just dating for so long.) However, I do not regret this long time spent together-it truly has been a positive for me, and I hope for him. To learn-is to grow.. But, as an INFj, it is difficult for me to end relationships. I need to go in love, without anger, and with understanding. Also, just to mention, last night I visited with my INFp friend. Her husband is an ISTj. She is who I describe above as being messy, her finances are out of control, a bit unsettled and unhappy. She used to date an ESTp. When she was with him, she was very responsible with finances, looked beautiful (she has now gained nearly 80 pounds), and very good at keeping house. She said he motivated her in a way that kept her on her toes. She thrived on it-being needed by him. She likes material things, and for people to notice her-just like the ESTp. Her current ISTj husband tells her he loves her despite her weight gain, despite the messy house, and has forgiven her for running up huge credit card bills. She feels unworthy of his love-but mostly she dislikes the fact that-in her mind-he doesn't need her. So she has no desire to succeed in the areas she once was a natural at. An ESTp would be a better match for her, the INFp. Her spirit would come back-her spunk-her drive to be the best she can be. Their both being spontaneous people is a huge plus, something I still have a tough time with,(but I am trying to go with the flow more). I can see where the duals really can make an easier go of things.. -- aj
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A9 I really am thankful for your illustrations, aj. Aj, do you know your subtype? Is it Fi? I meant to mention earlier that your ESTp bf description sounded completely like another close family member of mine who is ENTp. You definitely sound somewhat “supervisory” in your relationship, don’t you think?!  Just curious - does he have a tendency to misjudge safety issues in his environment, get hurt and seem not to attend to it – e.g., could be bleeding all over from a cut on his hand and YOU have to insist he get a bandage? I get the feeling that ENTps are somewhat oblivious to their bodies and pain. Does your ESTp bf seem immune to disgusting bodily gestures/functions? (Ugh! Well, ESTps are too, I guess.) I think ESTps have a high tolerance for crudeness in conversation – e.g., jokes – whereas ENTps take it further and seem oblivious to disgusting matter and gestures in their environment. An ISFp I know in the medical field has a very high tolerance for disgusting body issues … which is a good thing, given her profession – and a good thing for ENTps, then, so their duals can tolerate them. I am extremely squeamish. Anyway, I've struggled with validating the intertype relationships for some time, and even verifying my own type (had to accommodate too many people/situations over the years that didn’t “suit” me – I barely know myself anymore). I sure as heck don't V.I. like an ENFp according to this site. However, when I consider myself as an INFj with a heavy Ne/creative fcn emphasis – and just for the heck of it - I "switched" my intertype relations as though I were ENFp, it seemed the pieces MAY actually finally be falling into place. E.g., I experience some of the things described in the Mirror relations profile when speaking to you (notice how we're inclined to question each other's info which each considers "final", e.g.?) What do you think? Yet, the thing is, there’s no way I could be really an extrovert! I always test very low on that scale. I was as painfully shy as one could be while I was growing up, and am still mostly withdrawn, given to spending most my time alone in solitary pursuits (even if desiring companionship – it’s hard to know how to reach out/form friendships). Those who know me for the most part consider me to be rather introverted. And EXTREMELY intuitive. I still can never imagine being happy with an ESTj. For a short while, yes. But totally boring if we spent much leisure time together. Maybe if one's subtype is "strong" enough, it CAN virtually rearrange all one's intertype relations? (Even though I've read that subtypes allegedly have little impact on duality.) -- blahblahblah
A10 It's far more likely that you have typed wrong either of the persons in these "working conflicting" relantionships. Than them to actually be as such. Especially since your typing is mostly based on V.I. Typing based on intertype relationships is far more reliable than V.I. Ever considered that person you are comparing them to, might have been typed wrong to begin with? -- Anonymous
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