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Straight
16-25
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ENFj |
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16-25
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26-35
North America
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| Question #1193029720 | Monday, 22-Oct-2007 |
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| I am an INFJ female who is interested in an ENTP male. Our current relationship is one of friendship. I am having some trouble figuring out just how close the friendship is because of the different ways he acts when we are together. I guess I should add that things are just a tad bit more complicated than that...He is actually dating my best friend who is an ENFP. My ENFP friend and I have managed to overcome the obstacles in our friendship...mostly. We have remained close and actually grown in our friendship, but I feel as though I am forced to hold back when discussions of love ensue. I am very devoted to my close friends and would never want to cause her pain, but at the same time I feel distanced from her because she does not know that i haven't been able to stop loving him. I am rather young(17), so i was hesitant to use the word "love", but I don't know what other name to give these feelings. I had liked him (the ENTP) since about the 7th grade...just a little crush at the time. I continued to like him into the 9th grade with increasing feelings. By the 10th grade I was pretty much in love and had made myself sick wondering how he felt. Some events occurred that allowed him to discover my feelings. He is a very compassionate person when it comes to matters of the heart, so in the nicest way he could, he let me know that he didn't really want a serious relationship...never anything against me. He just didn't have the time and energy to devote to a romantic relationship in highschool. I came back to my senses and realized my mistake. I feared that I would lose small friendship that we had previously had, so I wrote him a note explaining that I must have been mistaken about the way I felt and that I really just wanted to get to know him better as a friend. As an INFJ I am a horrible liar, but I can almost pull it off on paper...it apparently worked this time. WEll he said he understood and we continued to have an awkward friendship, but I was just thankful that he didn't shun me =). Around this time I got to know my ENFP friend. I told her everything...including my feelings of undying love that had been in an uproar ever since I wrote the note to him. We immediately became fast friends realized the bond that we had. She(ENFP) was actually a very close friend of my object of affection(ENTP). She encouraged me in liking him and did what she could to help bring about my romantic wishes...little things like sitting next to him etc... Well apparently he remained oblivious and eventually came to be attracted to my best friend(ENFP). My friend(ENFP) and I were both devastated. She didn't like him at the time. She regarded him as a brother. She and I realized that we couldn't stand to lose the friendship that we had developed. We promised each other to do whatever we had to do to keep our friendship intact. WEll eventually she realized what a great guy he was and started to like him. She was afraid that if she kept putting off answering his questions that she would lose him forever. So I gave my blessing and said she should date him. I figured if i couldn't be happy, then she could at least be happy. I also wanted ENTP to be happy. She was opposed to my suggestion at first, saying she could never do that to me, but eventually she began to like him and they ended up dating. I was actually doing OK at first. I enjoyed seeing my friend happy. I developed a stronger friendship with ENTP and thought that I had really just wanted a close friendship relationship with him all along. I guess I sort of turned off some of my emotions...if that makes sense. I didn't want to feel the pain, so I blocked it out. I still struggled with the emotions of grief and loss, but I always managed to get over them. I just kind of "switched off" my love as much as I could. I think that may be one of my biggest mistakes. I didn't address my feelings after everything happened. I just wanted to stay friends with (ENFP). Don't misunderstand me. I still love my ENFP friend like a sister, but some feelings are starting to surface that I guess just never got a chance to earlier. I feel a little betrayed and slightly alone...now that I can't exactly tell her that I still love her boyfriend. I really would just like to stop loving him completely, but I don't know how. I am a Christian and I know that God has a plan for my life. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God must be allowing my to go through this "storm" for a reason that I can not comprehend right now. I pray for strength and for guidance in dealing with my emotions and the people I love. But I don't know if I can ask God to take away love. It seems that He would place love in a heart for a good reason, not just so that it could be taken away later. So God must have a plan that's bigger than mine. I want His will to be done. This has sort of turned into a story instead of a question. I'm sorry I blew the whole question-answer format thing. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!! I don't exactly feel like pouring my heart out to my ENFP friend. It probably needs to be said, but I can't do that to her. It would end up weakening our relationship or weakening her relationship with ENTP. I don't want to break them up. I want them to be happy. Truly, I do. I guess I just want some hope or hearing from someone else that understands the complexities of type relationships. I would appreciate any advice or personal experiances from all types. THANK-YOU! -- Kat |
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| A6 Thank you all so much for your input and advice. I was rather surprised to see that this topic was approved, but I really appreciate it. I'm sorry it's so long...I was sort of venting when I wrote it. Thanks for the C.S. Lewis referral =) Ezis. And I completely agree that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I guess one reason this has been so hard for me is that I thrive on the close relationships that I have. I know that I need to step away and find something that I can throw myself into in order to catch my breath and figure out my feelings and stuff. It's just that both of them are such a huge part of my life right now. They are very close to each other also. And I feel closer than ever to my ENFP friend. We are like sisters and our families are close too. But i do find feelings surfacing that don't make me proud. I notice myself laughing with her one minute and then looking at her the next and thinking about everything that happened and how upset i really am inside. I guess the whole betrayal thing never really got brought out between us because I wanted her to be happy and held some stuff back so that things would go smoother.(I avoided a conflict.) But there's no way i could ever hate her or anything. I know that satan is using this to pull me down. I have definately noticed a change in myself. It's probably gotten worse lately. She and I talked about the whole situation a while back. She said she understood and didn't ever just expect me to up and stop loving him. She said she understood how hard that was. And then she told me how much she had grown to love him. That was really hard for me. I explained that i really wanted to stop caring about him and that I had been praying about it. I felt better after we talked, but not to the degree that i'd hoped. I have let this issue control my life for a long time now. I really don't like the person that this is turning me into either. I pretty much have all the signs of stress and that sort of stuff. some depression. I realize that this may sound like a silly thing to be so hurt over, but I am an NF. Relationships are just a tad bit more important to me than everything else. Well thank you all so much again for your advice. I realize i can not fix this on my own. And i am planning on taking your advice INTP, about finding something to focus on besides them. Thank you for the tid bit about your family also. Any more information will be greatly appreciated and most likely put to good use. thankyou... here's that summary for VLAD-INTJ I like an ENTP. He is dating my best friend who is an ENFP. I am glad that they are happy, but I still have feelings for ENTP. I don't want to lose my ENFP friend because we are very close. But I am still trying to cope with the loss of being able to love the ENTP...openly anyways. But what i really need to do is just give my life to God and stop dwelling on the past... unfortunatly that is much harder to do than it is to type. -Kat -- Anonymous |
| A7 Well said, A5. ENTPs are flirts! When I as younger, I was almost lured once or twice by a couple of them. Now I am much happier with my INTP husband. -An INFJ female -- Anonymous |
| A8 Hi Kat, Well, I just wanted to say that the first thing that caught my attention about your posting is your self-awareness. That alone is something that can help you. I went through a kind of similar situation. It was difficult and emotionally stressful. I had to do some serious soul searching during that time. For myself, I learned that I had trouble living in the present(in general), and that I carried romantic feelings for the person way longer than I should have (years) without any communication from them that they felt the same way. Prayer & scripture definitely helped me through that time. Studying out peace, God's love, and his comfort are some of the topics that were especially helpful to me. (maybe try Bible Gateway) It also does sound like a good idea to keep occupied (earlier advice given by someone). That may also be a great way for you to get the time apart that you need to heal without hurting your relationships. The great thing about being a Christian is that there are so many productive & beneficial ways to do that. -- Anonymous |
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| A9 hey kat im also an infj in love with an entp. its hard to explain my attraction for him. the guy has many flaws. but he is human and its his humanity that pushes me to him. its almost like i want to save him. its this and more why i "love" him. and although we may seem so right for one another we are so different. i dont think i'll be able to survive in "his world"; always contantly surrounded by people, never in one place, and multi-tasking in a way i've never seen before. i wonder how he does it? doesnt he ever tier? does he feel alnoe? anyway after various months of flirting back and fourth not just with me but with all girls, i have decided to stop chasing after him. (although we had our own special relationship) but see KAT you must understand that trying to even distance yourself from him is hard but a neceessairy step for your own survival. it seems to me that to some exent the entp has caused you some emotional grief...after all you have been in love with him for years. that being said our entp's are just not ready to be saved. -- Anonymous |
| A10 Since you can't stop loving him, maybe pray for your love to change from romantic to friendship love. You'd probably need to distance yourself a bit regardless. -- Anonymous |
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