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| Question #1177616185 | Thursday, 26-Apr-2007 |
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| How do ENTps experience their hidden agenda? Why is it so hard for them to "be loved"? Also, how do ENTp-ISFp relationships tend to develop, particularly when the ENTp is a woman and ISFp, a man? -- anonymous |
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| A47 I am an ENFj male (EIE-Fe) who has been married to my supervisor, an ISFp female (SEI-Si), for a long time. I also have a male friend, an ENTp, that I have known for a long time who, as someone noted above, tends to "shoot himself in the foot" in his dealings with others. He appears to be happily married, and he might be, but his interpersonal skills are weak, and he knows it. This ENTp is a superb genetic engineer and a successful academic grant writer who has been out of a full-time position for several years. He has had plenty of interviews, but can't seem to get hired. He shoots himself in the foot during interviews and wonders why nobody loves him (like the OP). Personally, I think it's his weakness in reading the emotions of others that causes him trouble. He can speak intelligently and engagingly on nearly any subject, but he's not good at reading how his tone, body language, and words affect others, so he doesn't adjust either his tone, his body language, or his words in response to the subtle emotional cues that people give off and that I (as an ENFj) can feel from a mile away. ISFp is ENTp's dual. My ISFp wife is better at reading the emotional "temperature" of interpersonal interactions than I am. That's probably because she's more observant (S), and because she doesn't have my need to entertain, nor does she have my agenda. She just goes with the flow, and she naturally, quietly, gracefully, and effectively can create a safe, calm, peaceful environment among people even without trying. If ENTp could learn from ISFp how to do this-take cues from her, let her help him, let her teach him how to notice and then adjust in response to the emotional reactions of others, I think this dual pair should work well. Both ENTp and ISFp demand autonomy. They can give that to one another. Even though my ISFp supervisor has never made me promise to do anything for her (because, deep down she believes in absolute freedom), I, as her supervisee, just try to figure out what she wants and give it to her (just to prove that I am "good enough"). She gets what she wants without even asking for it. ISFp speaks more with actions than with words, so, to remind me that I am not good enough, she shows me through her actions. Once she realizes that she has injured me (when I pitch a big, embarrassing fit just to be heard since I can't really injure her emotionally-i.e. the very nature of a supervision relationship), she is always genuinely apologetic and remorseful, but will then repeat the same injurious behavior later, as if she had forgotten that she had promised not to injure me in that way again. ISFp wants to keep her promises (at the moment that she makes them), but ISFp is a "live in the present" person, and a promise made yesterday is meaningless the next day if the situation has changed. ISFp wants harmony and autonomy more than anything else. In order to have both, ISFp is going to do what she wants to do, regardless of how that might affect me, she just won't tell me about it because she is conflict-avoidant and wants harmony. I usually figure out what she has done later, get very injured again, lose my trust, pitch a fit, get another promise from her, and then try to move forward, but this process is felt as "criticism" by the ISFp (and it is criticism), and she resents it, leading her to lash out again (with actions, not words) to prove to me, once again, that I am not good enough. So, here's what I have learned. Ask ISFp no questions, and she'll give you no lies. Have no expectations of a certain kind of predictable behavior, i.e. demand no promises, and ISFp will never break her promises. If you (ENTp) can live with that, ISFp will give you complete freedom too, and she won't ask you any questions, either. Just entertain her. She loves to hear you talk, and you are good at it. Provide for her comfort (best if you earn a really good paycheck because ISFp is the lowest-paid of all the sociotypes, on average). Let her do her thing, and she'll let you do yours. You're both unpredictable (from the point of view of us "j" types), so you should be able to tolerate and understand that behavior in one another. Don't criticize her, and learn how to read her emotional state. When you are making her feel uncomfortable, adjust your tone (as she's feeling the music of your voice more than she's registering or processing the logic of your words). Don't expect a verbal response from her (ever). You may never get one. She speaks with actions more than with words. If she loves you, and she has a deep capacity for love combined with a desire for a single life-mate, you'll see it in her loving actions (again, only if no "promises" are involved and her autonomy is not limited). Give her the harmony she naturally knows how to create (i.e. when confronting her, if you must, be very, very gentle), and learn from her how to create that feeling of peace and harmony with others. That, I think, is how ENTp can learn how to get the love it wants. ISFp is an excellent audience for your wild and crazy ideas. She will love to hear about them and discuss them with you, but, when dealing with others, ENTp needs to learn how to employ the very natural and automatic skills of the ISFp. Adjust your emotions to fit the environment in such a way that you can get what you want. ISFp is the master at this. The problem is that this skill is so unconscious for the ISFp that she probably can't "explain" to you how she does it. She may not even know, herself. You have to learn about her from her behavior, not her words. Watch her behavior with other people, learn from it, actively try to replicate it, and you should be able to grow quite nicely with your dual (or, so Socionics predicts). I should add that I mentioned to my ENTp friend that my wife (whom he knows) is his dual, and he told me, "Well, I am not looking to trade wives." He knows my ISFp wife from my perspective, principally, and so he is jaded, as am I. I, the ENFj, mainly need an appreciative audience for my natural performances (which ISFp is great at being when she wants to be), but I also want safety, openness, commitment, and reliability. These last four things are nearly impossible for ISFp to deliver, no matter how much she wants to give them to you. It's just not in her nature. If you can accept that you can never get these things from ISFp, and presumably ENTp is best suited to flourish as a human being without these things, the two of you should get along fabulously. -- Kheledon |
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