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| Question #1140957862 | Sunday, 26-Feb-2006 |
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| I am an ENTP wife married to an INTP husband. I feel like I can not get anywhere with him. When I try and talk to him about problems that are currently effecting our lives he looks at it as a personal attack on himself and tries to place blame else where. We have been together 5 years, and 4 of those years he has been totally unemployed and being supported by me or his parents. I love my husband and I want to stay with him but I feel like I don't get anywhere with him. When I try and talk about our problems he gets so angry and says something like "I am just a failure, that's what you taught me". I just don't get how he can sit there and watch me work 16 hour days and not even want to clean up the house. I don't understand how he doesn't feel motivated or guilty by how hard I work just to take care of him. I have tried pretty much every way of approaching him. Being nice and sweet, asking him questions, leaving him alone, and rewarding good behavior, even yelling at him and nothing works. I have sent him to therapy multiple times and I know he is depressed but he won't talk to therapists either... every time he gets on medication he will take it for 2 days and then just drop the treatment. He spends most of his time staring at the walls. He doesn't have any friends (because he doesn't like to talk much), and no extra curricular activities besides collecting comic books. The only think I have ever seen him really succeed at is college and since he doesn't use the degree that he already has I am afraid to go into debt to send him back for a second degree. When I bring up the fact that he doesn't have a job and ask him to look for work he says "You think I like it?" but he refuses to do anything about it. Or he will say he is looking for work and just do nothing. I am at my wits end here... I am having a huge communication problem. Being an extrovert I feel really lonely and alone. Every time I bring up something like the news, or just some general bull**** he will go "why is that important" or "so?...". He also leaves out major things that happen to him daily because he doesn't feel the need to tell me, and doesn't understand why I would want to know. It is really frustrating; he lives inside of his head and I never know what he is thinking. Any advice would be very much appreciated. -- Aderly |
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| A24 Thank you, A23, for saying the word enabled. That reminded me that I eventually figured out that I was enabling my husband. At first it was by financially supporting him, but once he went back to work & simply refused to do anything else but play his video game, guess who was picking up the slack? For months on end, too. My best friend eventually gave me the stink-eye when she caught me both carrying his dinner plate to him AND carrying it away when he wouldn't even get up from his "fantasy console" of 3 computers - but it actually took him criticizing my cooking before I stopped catering to him in that way, and I was still blind to other ways I propped him up until after we separated. The more I think about it, I would definitely advise you to get some counseling - you could be engaging in patterns of behavior that you aren't even aware of that perpetuate the imbalance in your relationship. Again, this is not to place the blame on yourself (or on anyone), but to help you get un-stuck. -- iAnnAu |
| A25 Dear Aderly, A23 back again, I have been thinking about your situation as I can relate as I am an ENTP who "was" married to an INTP for a long time. I was married at 19 and I used to agonize over the decision to end the marriage for pretty much the whole time. I agree with iAnnAu that counseling may be a good option. It may work. As an ENTP yourself and a young one at that, emotions can be a confusing terrain. Currently, I am way more grounded then when I was younger as one will generally develop their weaker traits with age. I used to seek out advice from excellent sources yet I could not make a decision as we had kids together and that was part of what made it so hard. I did so much reading on how to deal with enabling and relating etc. and well based on all of this combined together is why I stated the best way to deal with him to to pull the rug out from underneath so to speak. I believe it will be a quick way to see if he really wants to work on things. When faced with a crisis like the relationship ending, he will have to choose what is really important to him. As long as you keep making it easy for him to continue his childish immature behavior why should he change anything? Perhaps he is depressed, well then he needs to get help with that instead of wallowing in it while you are the one to pay the price for it while he screws off. That's not a fair, balanced, healthy relationship. Right now it is impossible for him to have respect for you as you are not respecting yourself by allowing him to take advantage of you. Also you have already established patterns of relating that if you do work it out with him will require counseling to change and correct. Yeah the communication problems and his lack of responsibility and excuses are something a counselor is going to have to help him with. And keep in mind he may only do the counseling to appease you. So make him get a job too. I personally wouldn't even bother to try to talk things out if I were you as he is not being reasonable, you need a counselor to mediate so you do not waste your energy disputing with him. I hope for your own sake you will take action to change things as right now you have nothing to lose except yourself. -- Anonymous |
| A26 It's you, not him. Usually if someone in any relationship starts invading my space I just all of a sudden feel all depressed and not feel like doing what I naturally do. When I feel trapped, I get depressed, etc. I'm speaking from a POV from an ISTP. -- ISTPunk |
| A27 @A22 WTF, he used to physically abuse me you asshole. And I'm not talking about "Oh, he slapped me that one time" I'm talking about someone you're dating strangling you till your face turns red in public places, like the middle of the mall [!] on a regular basis. Oh, but its all my fault because I'm an ENTp. Seriously, you must be one of the most insensitive, narrow-minded people I have ever met in my entire life. Are you kidding me...emotionally shallow? and narcissistic? After all the **** I've been through in my life you couldn't be more wrong, seriously. Emotionally shallow?!? I've been told I feel the pains of others deeply. Just because I'm an ENTp doesn't mean I lack genuine concern for the people I choose to spend my time with. Narcissistic?!? WTF. I've had horroble low self-esteem and shame issues since I was a child because of the abuse I suffered for years as a kid and I'm just now getting over it. Ughh, learn to stop generalising groups of people. Anyways, there is a huge difference between your type and your personality. Humans are the absolute most complex and wonderful animals ever to walk this Earth and you can't just narrow-mindedly make judgments on someone you don't even know based on what they got on a personality test! -- ENTp |
| A28 @A27 - A22's comment was a throwaway; obviously not meant to be a worthy addition to the issue at hand. Who knows what he/she's going through, that they felt compelled to judge so abruptly or say things so callously. But I want to let you know, if you were abused as a child and have found yourself in abusive relationships as an adult, you owe it to yourself to get some help. It doesn't matter what you've done, there are better ways of resolving differences, so I'm gonna make a blanket, unqualified statement here and declare that you don't deserve to be strangled, etc. That you're here at the socionics site means you're trying to make sense of what's going on inside you, but in going from an abusive parental situation to an abusive sig.other sit., it may be necessary to have a professional deal with you personally to address your specific issues. I wish you luck, and know that folks like A22 are just dealing with their own **** - don't let the bastards get you down! -- iAnnAu |
| A29 A27, People who are abused as a child often later on subconciously seek out other abusers as a way of sort of re-inforcing what they learned to expect when they where young. Predators such as your ex partner have a knack of 'sniffing out' such vulnerable people. I think iAnnAu has a point, maybe you should seek out some councilling to try and help you prevent such a dating situation from occuring to you again. -- Cyclops |
| A30 @A27: 1) You never said anything about being abused. 2)It's not unlike you are so high and mighty, that you are above making judgements. When you judge people, you will get judged too. If you can't handle that, maybe you shouldn't judge other people in the first place. 3) Why did you tolerate that kind of treatment in the first place? 4) Maybe you are just narcist and trying to run a quilt trip on me. How do I know, how does anyone really know. How selfish of you to try to turn the blame on me. I'm not quilty of any of that. I just layed down some well known facts about typical ENTp behaviour. 5) How you describe yourself doesn't sound like an ENTp at all, maybe that's why my description doesn't even fit. 6) Same as passing judgements, maybe you shouldn't make generalisations either. At least my generelisation was many-to-one, instead of one-to-many. Being a wife-beater would be very unusual for an INTp's. Writing your comment was totally pointless and un-called for. @A28: You don't seem to above making judgements either. -- A22 |
| A31 You didn't even know the whole story and you passed judgment on my character. I just stated how <i>one</i> intp acted towards me. Why I tolerated it? because I was ****ing stupid and I thought things would get better...idk, I just would rather have been in an abusive relationship than alone...idk, being alone used to really freak me out..Heh, believe me...I'm nowhere near narcissistic. Well, I'm considered a thinking person because I think things through and analyze things...but I'm also easily moved to tears when hearing about others misfortunes...idk, like I cry in just about every movie I watch...but then again...I also have this tendency to disconnect from my emotions and appear cold and aloof. Well, what type do you think would most likely be abusive? I don't think your type can determine how likely that your abusive though. -- A27 |
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| A32 @A31 - Please don't get dragged down into petty debates. A22 wants to go round & round. I think you should focus on constructive comments. It could very well be that the more you defend yourself, the more he/she will feed off your reactions. Don't worry that A22's comments will affect what the others on this site think of you; focus on caring for your own well-being. -- iAnnAu |
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