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| Question #1140957862 | Sunday, 26-Feb-2006 |
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| I am an ENTP wife married to an INTP husband. I feel like I can not get anywhere with him. When I try and talk to him about problems that are currently effecting our lives he looks at it as a personal attack on himself and tries to place blame else where. We have been together 5 years, and 4 of those years he has been totally unemployed and being supported by me or his parents. I love my husband and I want to stay with him but I feel like I don't get anywhere with him. When I try and talk about our problems he gets so angry and says something like "I am just a failure, that's what you taught me". I just don't get how he can sit there and watch me work 16 hour days and not even want to clean up the house. I don't understand how he doesn't feel motivated or guilty by how hard I work just to take care of him. I have tried pretty much every way of approaching him. Being nice and sweet, asking him questions, leaving him alone, and rewarding good behavior, even yelling at him and nothing works. I have sent him to therapy multiple times and I know he is depressed but he won't talk to therapists either... every time he gets on medication he will take it for 2 days and then just drop the treatment. He spends most of his time staring at the walls. He doesn't have any friends (because he doesn't like to talk much), and no extra curricular activities besides collecting comic books. The only think I have ever seen him really succeed at is college and since he doesn't use the degree that he already has I am afraid to go into debt to send him back for a second degree. When I bring up the fact that he doesn't have a job and ask him to look for work he says "You think I like it?" but he refuses to do anything about it. Or he will say he is looking for work and just do nothing. I am at my wits end here... I am having a huge communication problem. Being an extrovert I feel really lonely and alone. Every time I bring up something like the news, or just some general bull**** he will go "why is that important" or "so?...". He also leaves out major things that happen to him daily because he doesn't feel the need to tell me, and doesn't understand why I would want to know. It is really frustrating; he lives inside of his head and I never know what he is thinking. Any advice would be very much appreciated. -- Aderly |
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| A4 I feel for you both. And I think Socionics is the right track for you to find a solution to this that works. While counselling (and perhaps even a few pills) may be necessary at some points, I think educating yourselves in the personality type system and the needs associated with the given types will help you a lot, when it comes to understanding and learning to tolerate each other. I think what you describe could really be a neurologically healthy adult of the INTp type suffering from a purely circumstantial and understandable relationship conflict. To get through this, you will need to appreciate him for who and what he really is, and not mistake what you see and sense for his true intent. You really did not intend "teach" him that he was a failure, did you? Well that's the kind of accidental miscommunication he often really does get from you -- just about everything you say sounds backwards to him, as do his attempts at communication with you. Mutual understanding comes like reading a book backwards in a mirror. INTp is probably the correct Socionics description -- "unstable psychological distance". (That's what I'm basing this advice on.) The trouble you will face the most in this case is that his attempts to protect himself from your extroverted "intrusions" on his intuitive perceptions (which he requires conditions of gravest sobriety to discuss properly) will seem like unprovoked attacks to you. Likewise, his attempts to use pure logic as a means of honestly well-meant communication will often backfire on him because your appreciation for logic is primarily introverted and thus seems like it should be a private discourse with yourself rather than a means of outward communication. When he asks you "critically" for some of the hard logic behind your wonderfully insightful intuitive ramblings, you probably feel rather irate and prone to either lash out or clam up -- which is natural for you as an ENTp, but to him it seems he must be still must be getting the facts wrong or you wouldn't have reacted wrong like that. So he wants to either seek more factual information or clam up. For him, sharing and phrasing intuitions casually and openly is inconcievable, although as an INTp he certainly cares about them more than anything, just as you do. That is the paradox of the introvert. He wants to use pure logic (next in importance to both of your types) as a direct and "safe" communication means. Without enough of it (as protective padding and defensive structure), his treasured intuitive insights seem too vulnerable to psychological attack. His outward use of logic is as much a tool and extremely vital asset to him as your inward logic. To treat it like it's stupid to share in the manner he instinctively wants to is in effect an attack on it, which feels like an attack on him and his competence. (Incompetence implies not being able to hold a job. So why should he bother looking? Repairing this misperception -- not attacking his seeming unwillingness -- will likely help the employment situation.) Since thinking is auxillary to both of you, it is likely slightly easier (though still very hard) for you to "grin and bear with" his form of logical communication, than it is for him to grin and bear with your habit of sharing your intuitions openly without the protective shield of direct logic. Easier still (but certainly not easy) would be for him to bear with your extraverted emotions. And easier than that is for you to bear with his extraverted sensing. Any of these sacrifices done willingly can make the other feel better for a time. However, neither of you can really keep up these unnatural-seeming conditions indefinately without a break, so you will both need a few outside friends who can meet the needs without feeling uneasy about it. Finding friends that satisfy the communication needs more easily, can greatly reduce negative stress within you both, leading to better ability to accomplish more in life. You could use an INTj friend, and he could use an ENTj friend, for example, to discuss ideas and intuitions with in the same "language". For more deep emotional needs, duals of each (ESFp and ISFp) would be great for you both to pal around with. A larger variety of other types is a good working solution for you, an extrovert, but it is a major energy expenditure for him to handle too many people and relationships. That may be the reason why you are making good money while he can't even seem to motivate himself to get a job -- you have more friends and co-workers meeting your needs, in addition to the ability to go on sheer willpower for long periods of time. Locate a compatible friend for him and he may become elated and encouraged enough to get a job. One thing ENTp and INTp share is a willingness to engage in a good deal of hard work and sacrifice for the greater good and for those they care about. Do not let his apparent "laziness" fool you, he made it through college and he can make it through a very good career track if his emotional needs are met well enough and he gets suitable motivations and feedbacks attuned to his type. Don't assume that what motivates you will just as easily motivate him. When his need for occaisonal interaction with and encouragement from a compatible-type person (dual, identical, or mirror) is filled, this will be far easier -- even if he still feels a bit badly about you at first, he'll have more energy to "grin and bear it" and translate your desires to his own thought patterns, and to motivate himself. Realise that as an INTp, his skills below the surface are more impressive and valuable than can be seen outwardly. When he has something logical to say, if you listen quietly and attentively with a little bit of logical feedback, it will feel to him more like he's "getting through" to you. If you have something to say, be patient and slow enough (give that inner intuition of his some time to grab ahold), and try to use as much plain logic and fact as possible, even when it "should" be obvious. This will be to him like you are speaking (at least a pidgin of) his language. In his own language, you can motivate and satisfy him much more easily than in yours. I have seen a good deal of patience, hard work, and unselfishness manifested in both types. They often have very similar overall goals and values, which is priceless in any partnership, especially marriage. Don't let outward appearances fool you, and bear in mind that he does not easily see what you truly mean either. Like love, misunderstanding is a two-way street. As long as you are committed and open to learning new (and sometimes uncomfortable) things, it is quite likely that you can pull this through into a wonderful, productive, and satisfyingly interesting relationship that will help you both meet your highest goals in life. -- Luke |
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| A5 You're only 20, you've got your whole life ahead of you. He is not worthy of you. Face it, he is a leech and he will suck you dry and the sooner you realize it the better. It is not too late to start a new life. We all make mistakes, and you still have time to correct yours. Don't waste it! -- Dr. Zoidberg |
| A6 you know, you've sought help for him. you have tried all possible ways to help him with his problems but none of them worked because he wouldn't try, right? there's only one solution left, leave him, which you don't seem to want to take. you know, this is all your call. and, i'm not trying to sound cold, but there is a limit to everything which includes the love and sacrifice you should make. this is all a cost-benefit analysis. what can you get from this relationship and for that, what do you have to pay for? you have a life ahead of you, you're just 20! -- Anonymous |
| A7 Wow. Very tough situation and I think I've had a boyfriend like your husband. Every word I said he took badly... like walking on glass. I left him alone, I showered him with affection... nothing would bring him out of his depressive state. In the end, you need to be true to yourself and concern yourself with YOUR happiness. However, if you want to make this work... it will be a tough road ahead. He NEEDS medication- depression is an imbalance in brain chemistry and can be treated. I would give him an ultimatum. Take the goddamn pills or I'm going to find my happiness elsewhere. You are young my friend. That is a fact of experience level. I feel for you and good luck. -- observer84 |
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