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| Question #1140957862 | Sunday, 26-Feb-2006 |
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| I am an ENTP wife married to an INTP husband. I feel like I can not get anywhere with him. When I try and talk to him about problems that are currently effecting our lives he looks at it as a personal attack on himself and tries to place blame else where. We have been together 5 years, and 4 of those years he has been totally unemployed and being supported by me or his parents. I love my husband and I want to stay with him but I feel like I don't get anywhere with him. When I try and talk about our problems he gets so angry and says something like "I am just a failure, that's what you taught me". I just don't get how he can sit there and watch me work 16 hour days and not even want to clean up the house. I don't understand how he doesn't feel motivated or guilty by how hard I work just to take care of him. I have tried pretty much every way of approaching him. Being nice and sweet, asking him questions, leaving him alone, and rewarding good behavior, even yelling at him and nothing works. I have sent him to therapy multiple times and I know he is depressed but he won't talk to therapists either... every time he gets on medication he will take it for 2 days and then just drop the treatment. He spends most of his time staring at the walls. He doesn't have any friends (because he doesn't like to talk much), and no extra curricular activities besides collecting comic books. The only think I have ever seen him really succeed at is college and since he doesn't use the degree that he already has I am afraid to go into debt to send him back for a second degree. When I bring up the fact that he doesn't have a job and ask him to look for work he says "You think I like it?" but he refuses to do anything about it. Or he will say he is looking for work and just do nothing. I am at my wits end here... I am having a huge communication problem. Being an extrovert I feel really lonely and alone. Every time I bring up something like the news, or just some general bull**** he will go "why is that important" or "so?...". He also leaves out major things that happen to him daily because he doesn't feel the need to tell me, and doesn't understand why I would want to know. It is really frustrating; he lives inside of his head and I never know what he is thinking. Any advice would be very much appreciated. -- Aderly |
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A8 Jeez. That is quite tough. INTP's are supposedly the Einsteins, but anyways, there is something he can do for himself. A. Learn Socionics/MBTI (and end up improving it  ) B. Goto this site for depression related info www.emofree.com I used that site's information to get over my depression, and I used to be a very depressed INTJ. The way I see it, INTP's are people who would come up with a way to make money, and then automate that system to earn income. Ask him to do that. Jobs are not good for him, unless he wants to become an architect/professor. And they both really don't need degrees, i.e., apprenticeship perhaps? Good luck -- Abdul |
| A9 Hi Aderly, I am an INTP female, with an ENTP father. If your husband is depressed, it could be health realated. I personaly have had underlying health issues my whole life, this has affected my social life (it was just to draining to talk to people)(My health is much better now). It affected my study life when I was a student (but because it was something I wanted to do, I still did well). Finding work has been hard, because I just didnt have the mental energy to talk to new people. And this is where my ENTP father has really helped me, (He is a carpenter), he offered me work, and when he didnt have any he would help me by talking to a friend of his who owns a healthfood store, Who I worked for for a while. Since then I have got a job painting (with someone I know), and I recently got a job offer at a small warehouse that sells products that I am personaly interested in. But before I got this work, I barely did anything for a year, which in itself can be very depressing. And I know at times my parents got really frustrated with me. However their patience and support has paid off. As for the household clean up, honestly I think that is a guy thing (I have 3 brothers). Maybe tell him that the house is his responsibility untill he gets work, and trust him to do it in his time and his own way. -- D |
| A10 Tell him to enlist in the military. -- Steve |
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| A11 I hope you haven't dumped him yet, based on the poor advice by most people above, Luke has good advices. I'll give the solution to the real problem first: instead of telling or otherwise trying to manipulate him to get a job, make it easier for him. As INTp, I personally find it extremely difficult and annoying to apply for jobs and trying to prove that I am worthy to other people. However I'm not afraid of the idea of working and expecting to succeed well at work. What you should do is write his applications, CV and resume for him, and send them. Not on your own of course, but you two together, like you was his agent. First try send them to jobs relating to his degree, if that doesn't work, then to less ambitious jobs. This way he will think you have positive expectations of him, especially when you write positive things about him in those applications. And if he fails to get the job, he doesn't feel that it was all his fault. It's pointless to discuss about his unemployment, he's already aware of it. Trying to influence INTp person to do something, is nearly impossible, INTp notice and rebel against any such attempt out of instinct. I suggest you only work 8 hours, and slash costs instead, he can help you with finding good ways save money. Do you need to live so "opulent" life? At least you definetly should stop funding his hobbies. And about chores, that's both a guy thing and a INTp thing (for the messy rebellious INTps). Especially tasks where the goal can't be clearly defined to the detail. Best example is any type of cleaning. When I start to clean the job seems to be one with infinite workload. I think of things like: 'how clean is "clean"', 'I can clean infinetly and it will never be completely clean', and 'if I clean, it just get untidy again, so what's the point' and so on. Also INTp can think that:'the one who finds it untidy, should also clean it up, it's not right enforce someone else to do it'. Therapy won't help, and drugs will do more harm than good, don't try fix something that isn't broke. Based on your description he seems normal INTp to me, just one in stressful life situation. For INTp melancholy is the normal emotional state. You should loosen the pressure on him. This doesn't mean that you should leave him all alone, wich would make you lonely. Just so that your presence doesn't require much activity from his part. In helping to improve the communication problems between you two, try to be less serious and more playful and silly, this will make him more interested in interacting with you. Avoid talking about subjects that are normal and mundane, pointless general chit-chat (like "how are you?" etc.) or asking personal questions. However INTp's are interested in hearing how other people perceive them, he might be interested in talking about himself in this way. But he might need hours to think a correct answer, so if he answers something immediately, he is likely to think it's not true or accurate what he just said, and starts to contemplate on the issue. Subjects that INTp's generally are interested in talking about are: abnormal and unusual subjects, scientific, philosphical or political questions etc.. But then again he might have opinions that he consideres to be so unusual, that he doesn't want to reveal them. He might like to talk about subjects of his interest, although he might be territorial about and therefore might not want talk about them. For example in this case his comics, maybe ask things like:"what's the real story about superman, is it like the movie?", or "who'd win spiderman or batman?". Generally I get along best with people who tell funny stories and jokes (don't we all). And with my close relatives (my sister, and brother) I talk lot of silly nonsense that makes no sense. -- RR INTp |
| A12 as an INTP male, i notice the hallmarks of his behaviour, that is his depression and his constant negative spiral in reaction to communication he receives. i don't recommend medication... the psycho-physiological reason for this, (i am no specialist when i say this, but i guess and approximate like all INTPs do) is that as a INTP, one who needs all mental capacities and feelings working in an 'optimal tandum'...when a drug shuts down one of these faculties....your INTP mate feels himself falling into ruin. --medication is okay for other types, cause there function only requires the dedicated working of more symmetrical or singular factors-- infact, the best medication for the INTPs system, is self-analysis, if he feels himself distorted, the very remedial action that he takes to get back into his primary function, will stimulate a greater control of the psychological system, i only say this as i have seen it work for me.. however to be bluntly honest, this needs an additional emotional incentive to work.. ..the very religious thing to say is 'repentance'..the act of emotional centrisism on an ideal (money/prosperity/wellbeing), whereby he renounces his present emotional deadness to try and obtain the ideal. your part in this relationship is also stressful, i recommend less stress, and less feining, study the INTP profile, and u will see that the reason why he is not bothered by your work on an emotional reactive level, is that INTPs, so lost in there idea world, natural invalidate the workings of others, he sees your work -TRUE, but only in his psychological world, as a potential part of his 'automized work regime'(thanx Abdul..A8 above defines this) his failure, he will actual preceive in relation to the rest of the world, perhaps he feels asif his productivity would be second best to the workings of other Socion types, (this is also a personal struggle for myself, but to him i would advise: that u escape your enemy by whatever means, even if it means fooling yourself), also 3rdly, i would recommend that he grapels/works with something theoretical, it is only in this environment that he can approach 'work-for money' with any psychological energy omf!!!, and then, he may just automate the system last -4th, and this dear, is why i said 'stress less', is because for us human monkey psychology borg creatures, who work for the tribe, and assimilate technologies, he, in an INTP mindset, views you, the women as the necassary jewel of his endeovours, ...he needs less a challenge, and more a symbol of his planned projected power -- sirac son of |
| A13 My advise: Leave him and find an ENTP, you will have fun again in your life and your partner will probably be able to make money for his own! -- ENTP |
| A14 Thank you for all your answers. It turns out it was not a personality type problem but borderline personality disorder. -- Aderly |
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