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| Question #1192886791 | Saturday, 20-Oct-2007 |
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| How do INTps experience grief? The kind that comes after the death of someone close, like a parent, spouse, child, or best friend? -- MD |
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| A38 A year and a half ago my father was given two months of life. I live across the ocean from my family, but I happened to be on a vacation visit when he was given the diagnosis, upon which I dropped everything to stay close to him. Being an INTP, I immediately assumed responsibility in researching alternative treatments, contacting doctors around the world; I was convinced that if there was a treatment to terminal cancer I could find it, and take him there to receive it. In the midst of the insanity, my father, also an INTP made sure he sat down with me to go over all financial matters, outstanding bills, real estate matters, while I made sure I let both my mother (ESFJ) and sister (ENFJ) know that he truly had no time. I felt cruel saying it,but I thought it would be better to have them prepared. At the end, I was the one making the decision to keep him home, and end it, the way I knew he wanted it to be. I am a female artist, who didn't know how to deal with any of the aftermath, and yet took it upon her self to figure it all out. Did I care about his loss? Tremendously so.. And yet, I was the calm one, making arrangements for all, trying to shed some reason to my family. I returned to the States a month after his passing. Do I miss him? I miss knowing that he could take care of everything. I miss talking about anything philosophical with him, I miss that he believed in every possibility I saw. But no, I don't miss him in the sense that most people do. Both of us being INTPs we connected on a different level. And yes, I often feel that I am now carrying his life through me. It's kind of bizarre... I think everything happened so fast that I have no recollection of specific conversations we had, but at the same time I know exactly what he would do, or say on different matters. All in all, I think the most devastating effect from this incident at what I consider the early age of 30 was the realization that I cannot always figure everything out. A slap on an INTP's face I suppose. I often go back, trying to think the whole thing through, see if I could have done anything differently, whether I was right being so fact of the matter like. Not sure this helps.. -- Anonymous |
| A39 My ESFp grandfather fell a few months prior to his death. Statistics show that most elderly that fall usually do not survive, but upon hearing this I was fiercely in denial that he was going to die. Instead of being worried and crying about the fall like the rest of my family, I fervently believed that he would be fine after his blood transfusion. More than likely coming back home with a walker, but yes, he'd be there a happy old man. However, my grandfather passed away last month. According to my SJ family's perception of the way I felt (obviously doesn't align with my perception), I did not pity my grandfather until the day he was cremated, supposedly due to knowing that his physical form will never be there. The truth was that it was hard for me to exhibit weakness to any of them, because as much as I believe that the display is permissible, I would feel more pain and uneasiness having to discuss it amongst others. I believe that it is hard for most of us INTps to react to strong emotions. I tried not to talk about "old times" involving him, nor did I shared any pity I had of him (my ISFj mother was quick on that). Only plans that were necessary after his death. I've had another important death in my life, one of a good INFp friend in HS, 3 years prior. No denial was involved, but the way I handled it and the easiness of my acceptance of it all was about the same as my grandfather (who was very close to me). There is a little sadness about the loss, but that sadness seems to be easily overcome by the good memories of their kindness and acceptance of me. -- Green-Black INTp |
| A40 as an istp who is currently in the process of losing her father to cancer, i can say that the initial shock upon hearing that he may only have a year to live shook me, pure and raw emotion went through my body the second i heard it, i could not for the life of me tell you exactly what emotion as i had never expreienced anything like it before or since, but the important thing is that it did. intp's are not unfeeling, but they do not know how to feel, what to feel or what exactly it is that they are feeling. since the initial shock i have come to accept the fact that it will happen one day and for lack of a better phrase i have moved on. i do care about him obviously and wish that it didnt have to be his time, but life goes on now like it will when he is gone. we are making the best of it, he refuses to sit down and die and would like to live life to the fullest and i am making it my job to see that he does. i have found myself avoiding situations where i would have to really talk about it, my sisters are currently in greif counselling and i was for a short while but it just made me uncomfortable so i stopped going. i speak with my sisters about it but more as a shoulder to cry on then as someone who needs comfort. anyway this is my experience with greif, i hope it shed some sort of light on whether what you were feeling is normal or whatever you were hoping to find by asking this question. -- JCistp |
| A41 INTP's experience grief in many different ways. As some people like to make a spectacle of themselves, (secluding themselves in their rooms, not answering the phone, being constantly negative, not able to look at the positive side of the experience for months, even years on end, crying incessantly, lashing out on people, etc.) INTP's logically evaluate the situation. My grandmother died and she was like a second mother to me. I lived with her for seven years along with many other relatives. I saw her die and what I took from it was a better understanding of life and death. It was an experience that made me question everything. I did cry, but only because the people around me were crying and in pain. I used the experiences she told me about and the wisdom she gave me and incorporated it into my perspective on life, on love, and on living. I was not sad to see her go. I was not happy, either. I was just...wondering why. It made me question her existence and my own at the same time. I have learned lessons from that woman that I will never forget and I have learned lessons from her that I will forget because they do not apply to my beliefs. But she is gone, and the only way to deal with the death of others is to evaluate the situation and understand the positive affect it can have on my life and the lessons she would want me to pass on to whoever I may encounter. Because she wouldn't want me moping around not doing anything with my life if she were still alive. We, as people, are better than that. I would feel this way towards anybody close to me that dies. You take it for what it is, you learn from it, you incorporate it into your life, maybe you cry a little during the beginning or middle when you think of the dead, but you move on. And you live. And yes, you do feel. INTP's do feel. Whoever says otherwise is just trying to sound tougher than he/she is. -- Anonymous |
A42 I lost my father quite young, and my experience wasn't really like many others here. I had tremendous difficulty with the experience. ILI's generally aren't a cold as they seem, we use distancing to keep things from emotionally impacting us, but our  is particularly vulnerable, especially within the  subtype. It's my personal experience that if an ILI loses someone they have allowed past their defenses, someone they value greatly, it can create an inconsolable grief. An example: Charles Darwin, an ILI, was left bleak and depressed for the remainder of his life when his daughter Anne died. He was never able to cope with the loss fully. -- Anonymous |
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| A43 [Ni][Te]I don't experience it at all. People usually swear to god that underneath some kind of mask that I supposedly use, I am actually dying of despair. It's pretty funny to see how projection works in the real world. The closest to grief I can describe is when I end up disappointed about something that did not go quite as it should. For instance, when my "perfomance" does not quite match my expectations. That is, even with pessimistic projections, I expected more than was made possible. -- Anonymous |
| A44 Well, to be honest, whether the death is expected or not I would go through through for stages of "grief" (read:coping). First, comes having a pre-disposition and general attitude of not really setting death as such a bad out ominous event (this is before the death happened). Second, right after the death registers, comes being affected hard, like accidentally running into a brick wall hard. Third comes licking the wings and realizing it's truly not the end of the world, life goes on, and that the previous attitude towards mortality isn't that wrong after all. Finally, comes moving on and refining the previous belief that had been adopted before the whole "fiasco" but with actual experimental through to it... Until another death comes along and triggers the cycle all over again (probably). -- INTp |
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