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| Question #1191877812 | Monday, 8-Oct-2007 |
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| I am ISTp .. How do I stop running away when people want to get to know me too personally. This applies to partners, family and work collegues, who all develop perspect for me, then want to get to know me deeper then I mess things up intentionally to keep distance. Any ISTp out there with similar issue? Any advice esp. from my dual would be useful -- Cyclops |
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| A32 @ A30 - Altruism is a subjective and debatable topic. I sort of support the theory that everything that a person does, he/she does it for themselves. Every kind act people to do towards strangers and their children, they do it because they feel good about doing so. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if i didn't help someone in need, so I am infact doing myself a favor by helping someone. It would create too much cognitive dissonance. Honor could be a motivation as well but that one is considered shallow as it is a means to a higher happiness. Same with money - money isnt happiness as an end rather a means to a higher happiness. According to my social psychology book people have two basic cognitive needs - the need to feel good about oneself (the belief that we are smart, morally good etc.) and the need for accuracy (to believe we are realistically aware of our environment etc.). So basically altruism does not exist. Some show that shows some people competing for money against family does not say anything about dynamics of relations among people. I've seen real people in families staying hungry for days too make sure their siblings, kids or parents eat food during draught and such. Ive seen family members and spouses risking lives to save others'. Shows are edited and sometimes even manipulated to make it an interesting watch and scandalous to get people hooked. And where people put priorities depends on upbringing, culture and personal values. These people obviously prioritize money over relationships with family, otherwise they wouldn't be on the show. And in competition its kinda foolish to think that a person no matter how close to us would decide to lose a game for us. I mean I play board games with my parents and obviously i want them to lose. But i know for sure in life death situations 99.97% of parents in the world be willing to sacrifice their life if they could save their kids'. I mean we ARE the survived genes that passed down from millions of years ago of only the cave people who were into saving kin and feeding, taking care and protecting their babies/kids without fail. The ones who didn't, lucky for us, their genes werent passed on and they became extinct. The ones that were also into saving strangers and thus building trusted social circles so that fellow people would help rather than harm them and their kids and increasing survival likelihood, and desirability among the opposite sex to reproduce and pass on genes. Thats just my take anyway. -- Anonymous |
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| A33 What I have been learning is that ISTps are not comfortable with feelings. Particularly their own. When you get close to people you start having feelings... of all kinds. This is apparently intolerable, and so... instantaneous internal devices kick in and actions are taken to sabotage the relationship. It takes a very astute person to accurately detect what is going on, and one with fortitude to remain unaffected by the manuvers designed to deconstruct any semblance of bonding or relationship. Such individuals are rare. Otherwise, ISTps are very attractive. Navigating the choppy waters of relating, may be a challenge. What would make you feel more comfortable having feelings? If you could feel more relaxed, then would the starts and stops smooth out when relating to others? -- Mystified ENFP |
| A34 A32, you are most probably right. Altruism does'nt exist beyond Platons world of ideas. Even when you do things because they are the objective right thing to do, free from conscious agendas, it is debateable if such decisions and actions are completely free from comforting, reassuring elements in one way or another. I do believe it is possible, although it will be extremely difficult to apply such thinking on a day to day consistent routine. Personally I find it very interesting the times I help people I do not like, or especially appreciates. Not strangers, but aquaintances that I have more a foe than friend relation with. Those acts were certainly not done out of love, so altruism doesnt apply, but I did it out of an appreciation of what is objectively right. Wasnt especially easy, but manageable. -- ENTp |
| A35 A-31, I won't claim I have either a life or not in this context, since I am unable to connect the implications of such a question with your unknown standards of definition. The premises are not set. We are probably not on par there anyway. Personally I see no associations with what's been written. If you consider what I wrote as bs, and consequently choosed not to respond, OK for me, I didnt ask for one, so it is your choice. It just amaze me however, that you employed the "you are probably not my friend" statement to qualify for such a decision. I see no association again. Percepted BS should qualify standalone in it's own power, which is OK again. Would make it more understandable if that is your perception. -- ENTp |
| A36 A33 brings up an interesting point. But, what seperates the boy ISTps from the men ISTps is the ability to overcome such tendencies. The one that goes outside his comfort zone and handles it with exceptional tact; the "well-rounded ISTp" if you will. Such ISTps exist, and I firmly believe they're all capable of it. -- ISTp |
| A37 A36, I can second that. They exist. I know one who are highly aware of differences in relating to other people and really try to adjust accordingly. Tremendously objective, and not only willing but also dedicated to analyse and comprehend the complexities of these. So I am not surprised he have been able to issue quite some nuggets to share. He also displays something I would call genuine charm. It does'nt bring an aura of any personal agendas, not even insecurities, he may have it for all I know, but it sure doesnt show. Very polite and symphatic individual. I have always appreciated ISTP's. -- ENTp |
| A38 Learning how to tolerate a certain level of emotion and vulnerability may help. Esp. with the right person, i.e. someone who cares about you and has consistently proven it. You don't have to start big. Start small. Take a risk. You're good at that, no? Then see what happens. I'll bet after a few tries, it will seem less DANGEROUS! Also, keep in mind, there isn't anyone human that hasn't been hurt. The key ingredient in selecting someone to try opening up to is empathy. Someone (sometimes, but not always, a feeler)who can identify with the risky feeling of opening up and can be counted on not to take advantage of your vulnerability. We all have vulnerability. But you can't get close without it and I think istps try to avoid that aspect of life. There's alot of rich experiences you miss out on though by doing that... as you are realizing... -- Mystified ENFP |
| A39 Maybe you need to first begin with accepting, to some degree, that there are many people who have deep emotional needs, and quirks - and this in itself does not make them "crazy." Accept the emotional vulnerability and variability/uniqueness of others more, and you will allow yourself to also express this side ... gradually ... realizing that sometimes, it's ok. -- Anonymous |
A40 A36:  I once read somewhere "Always stay out of your comfort zone." and following that has given me tremendous amount of happiness! Doing something just for the sake of staying out of my comfort zone is so liberating and exciting. A34: I really like how people do things for comforting thoughts but I believe that doing good for reasons like feeling good does not lower the value or goodness of the act.. I think it's all the more reason to do good because its win win situations.. because can you imagine a world in which person A does something for person B at the expense of person A and person A gets NOTHING good out of it? I'd feel so bad for person A... because it is not fair to them. And gradually people like person A will stop doing good because it just brings them misery. BUT person A gets to have the pride in knowing that she/he is a good and moral person... and not anyone would have done the same thing.. and person A can REMEMBER what good she/he did and on days when she/he is feeling down and like crap then she/he has that memory to back up their now weak self esteem. -- Anonymous |
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