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| Question #1148244560 | Sunday, 21-May-2006 |
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| Hi everyone, just asking for an opinion. I'm an INTj female married to an ENFp guy. The honeymoon years were great fun but now as the time goes by and family responsibilities pile up, I'm growing increasingly annoyed and concerned by my husband's unability or unwillingness to deal with the routine family stuff and constant 'reality escapes' (friends, computer games, alcohol, recreational drugs). I realize that it's not my mission to change him and my options are clear as well: either tolerate it or leave him alone. I initiated the 'separation talk' a few times but it seems to hurt him a lot and he clings to the relationship desperately. I, on the other hand, would rather be a single mother than live in constant frustration about my partner not doing the equal share of work. Providing that we both are willing to work on our relationship, what can you guys advise? I understand that it's too general of a description but any input is appreciated. Thanks, JB -- Jade_Bug |
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A26 Young ENFP male here. Late teens infact. I am poor with house chores and if some1 starts saying "do this now, then do that", I won't do it/won't like it 1 bit. IMO a better way in approaching an ENFP would be to set him "targets" to do every day/week. If you could vary these "targets" (ie chores) then that'd be even better. I would just tell him you are unhappy with house chores and feel they are building up on you. Don't say "you're a lazy git" as we ENFPs don't like criticism and will respond negatively. ENFPs after all are concerned by the well being of others, so tell him you are struggling and ask for ideas on allocations of chores (so use his N). I am young, so take my advice lightly, but in my family there are a lot of arguements over housework and I'm usually in the thick of it. ENXJs (mother's type) really don't go well with ENFPs in the home!! Housework and "house rules" are definetly not our strong point. -- ENFP male  |
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A27 I have a couple of things to say about this: first of all, as you're his supervisor, you need to pay extra attention to what he is doing well. I am an ENFp with an INTj mother-it really does not help to have someone saying "do this, do that, do the other thing. Oh, you did that task? Great, but you need to do it better next time. And you need to do this too." ENFp will need encouragement! Also, it seems to me that we ENFp's tend to be mobilized if we are truly needed. If someone is hurting especially, there is nothing more gratifying to us than to help them. This may be a little out of your comfort zone as an INTj, but I would suggest telling him how hard it is to do all this on your own. Tell him you really need his help. Then say, "Will you help me?" Not "can you," but, "will you." Be sure to avoid as much as possible making him feel blamed; ENFp's can be pretty sensitive and guys in particular are terrified of failure. Come to him as a woman who needs help with the troubles life is throwing at her; do NOT come to him as a woman who is frustrated because her husband is SUCH a screw up. And *whenever* he does something for you, thank him! He probably won't be willing to keep doing stuff for you if you take it for granted. Oh, and another thing-perhaps you could try, say, with the household chores, doing them together and finding a way to make it fun. He may well end up getting excited about helping you this way, because we ENFp's like a little novelty and fun experiences in our lives. I hope this helps and best of luck to you.  -- ENFp |
A28 You made a promise & sacred commitment to each other in your marriage vows. What happens now when things start going bad? You just decide it's time to quit because it's gotten quite uncomfortable? Of all people, I'd expect an INTJ to have more stamina and commitment than that. Especially with kids in the picture. There are a lot of rewards for staying together and your own immediate happiness is not always your long term health or happiness, in spite of what a lot of people think and say. My grandma & grandpa who raised me are an ENFP & INTJ and they have been together 52 years now. He gripes sometimes and keeps track of things, and she forgets and procrastinates, but she also fills the house with love and keeps in touch with all the family and helps keep him in touch, too. It's a little ironic, because now that they're getting older, and he is getting senile and forgetful and she is suddenly the one with the better memory, pulling all the weight. But after all the years of sticking it out together, the roles have reversed and she takes care of him a little than before-even though it was always pretty well balanced. I don't think socionics is even very much the point here. It's got some hints and suggestions, but it isn't the bottom line, and definitely not the final word on a marriage. The only final word on a marriage is what you say to each other every day and how well you are able to communicate. Marriage counseling might be of benefit, and if he's reasonable-which he probably is, there's a good chance that's why you married him, if you're an INTJ and thus 'reason manifest'-and committed to your marriage, he'll go with you. Especially as an F type, they seem to be more open to counseling, usually, and talking about their feelings. If you don't want to go to Surround yourself with people who are supportive of your marriage in this difficult time who can be advocates for you and help you sort things out, not online idiots who don't even know you, are only hearing things from one side-yours, your agitated side, not necessarily your compassionate or fair side because you are, understandably frustrated. How can we give you advice on him when all we have is your side of the story? We may do the best we can, but that's all we've got to go on-keep that in mind. Probably many of these comment-droppers have never been married and may not even believe in the principle of it. But you chose it, so find a way to make it work. There are a lot of rewards in that. For what it's worth, I'm afraid I fall into that bracket of outsiders-peering-in with limited vision, but I'm looking at these comments and people who are saying "Just walk out on your marriage" seriously-what is it worth to people these days? Stay together. See it through if you can. On the other hand, if he has a serious alcohol or drug problem, neither one of you may notice it right away or be willing to accept it consciously-right now, until it's too bad. So if you THINK there could be a problem, I recommend confronting to him about it and having a good heart to heart and then follow up with action-go to counseling. As an ENFP, I know that talk is one thing but doesn't count for a whole lot until you're actually taking action. It's too easy to settle back into bad habits, especially the destructive ones, and even with the best intentions. I wish that wasn't true of us, but unfortunately, most ENFPs I know have had some sort of addiction or another. Living on the id. I like what a previous commentator said about the right KIND of chores. It seems to me that ENFPs are very instant-gratification oriented. Out of sight, out of mind is often the case. But for my own part, I'm totally fine with doing dishes. I usually feel guilty if I go awhile without doing the dishes, and then I'm asked to do the dishes-then I'm like, oh crap, I'm in trouble, I need to slow down and help out around here instead of zooming around all the time. But if I'm sort of resentful toward the person asking, I can get sort of passive aggressive and self-righteous for no good reason and just refuse to do the dishes...gah, okay, so we really suck at housecleaning. It's boring!  You know when I most want to clean? When he comes home and he's been working really hard and hasn't had time to clean and didn't even ask-in fact, still tells me NOT to do the dishes, because he wants to take care of him, then I find that because he's being so self-sacrificing, I just want to go on a cleaning spree and have everything nice and tidy for him, so that when everything's all cleaned up he'll come home and be EXTRA happy and thank me bountifully with a smoldering embrace. Which, he's an INTJ, there's not always a lot of smoldering (platonic smoldering, mostly), but when the house is clean, he's extra happy and that's why I sometimes like to clean. That's never boring. It's always exciting and novel to see him so excited about a clean house. So, I usually go on a wild cleaning spree about twice a month and turbo-clean rather than the basic daily maintenance. Sorry, that was the long way around saying it, but I hope you can pull some useful anecdote out of all that. Lastly, are you sure that cleaning is really the issue here? Chances are, he wasn't very clean when you married him and you knew that at least somewhat, but maybe it's bothering you now as a symptom of some larger suspected cause i.e. you're wondering if he really cares about you because, by not cleaning, he isn't showing it. Probably not exactly that, but maybe if you think about it, it's something similar. Here is a link to some books that might help (note, they're not all geared toward marriage specifically, these are just a collection of relationship books, most of which I've read and liked...I was actually making this list, since I was going to school to be a marriage counselor...: http://amzn.com/w/127LTSMGAVWIT Two other good books-my favorites-are "Why Marriage Matters" by Glenn Stanton & "101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married" by Linda & Charlie Bloom. When the going gets tough, just remember: Tolerance & Compassion. The grass isn't usually any greener on the other side-maybe for a short time, but then we just adjust and are back at square one, minus one or a few important people in our lives, sometimes. Best wishes to you both. Take care. -- Anonymous |
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