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| Question #1148244560 | Sunday, 21-May-2006 |
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| Hi everyone, just asking for an opinion. I'm an INTj female married to an ENFp guy. The honeymoon years were great fun but now as the time goes by and family responsibilities pile up, I'm growing increasingly annoyed and concerned by my husband's unability or unwillingness to deal with the routine family stuff and constant 'reality escapes' (friends, computer games, alcohol, recreational drugs). I realize that it's not my mission to change him and my options are clear as well: either tolerate it or leave him alone. I initiated the 'separation talk' a few times but it seems to hurt him a lot and he clings to the relationship desperately. I, on the other hand, would rather be a single mother than live in constant frustration about my partner not doing the equal share of work. Providing that we both are willing to work on our relationship, what can you guys advise? I understand that it's too general of a description but any input is appreciated. Thanks, JB -- Jade_Bug |
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| A13 Hi. I am an ENFP and have been with an INTJ for 20 years. It is workable, although coming from different views in 3 areas is difficult without commitment and communication. It is hard to tell exactly what the story is from your question, and precisely what you want to do with the situation. That being said, and having had to deal with a similiar situation, I would recommend the following: First, explain precisely what you would like done and how that would help the relationship - start on small tasks and don't interfere no matter what ("Honey, can you please take out the trash?" And make sure you give a hug or kiss or some sign of thanks; or "I really appreciate it when you set the table/help with kids/etc.") You have the right, and obligation, to discuss what needs to be done and vice versa. Counseling, online research, books, etc. may give you some guidance. Therapy/counseling for yourself, or preferrably, with the other may help air out anything that may be underlying the lack of mature behavior - fear of failure, stress, not having learned appropriate management skills, etc. Remember, an ENFP can learn anything if motivated enough, either through interest or love. Another caution, if there is significant drug use you may not even be having a relationship with an ENFP, but the drugs themselves, no matter how recreational. No matter what the actual problem, getting some knowledge from whatever source is most helpful to you and counseling either for yourself or together will help you discover the issues, talk about your feelings and frustrations, and map out a plan that will improve the situation. Without some change, this cycle will continue, as you are already aware. In our case, my stating needs got the job done because of the commitment to the relationship and brought us closer. Still, counseling may be needed for us to clear out ideas we can't see just because we are trying to see ourselves, without objectivity. Best wishes in your relationship and whatever your decide to pursue. -- Anonymous |
| A14 That's a co-incindence,I am an ENFP whose in the Amway business too-found that the DISC assessment isn't very accurate as my upline a mostly cholerics (some with a sanguine blend) which an ENFP is also supposed to be as well. One of them I know is a sanguine/choleric but there seems to be a cognitive difference,I mean we both view the world differently,as an ENFP,I understand I am a soft hearted person whereas I find a lot of these others are more interested in the money & not the people,like I am,they seem to be greedy & selfish. For those of you who know the business,you are sponsored by an upline & mine has been committing all sorts of abuse,which I could never do to another person since I respect others very much. Well,they seem to have stopped since I contacted my upline diamond in the business,but to put it this way,being an ENFP is a very powerful thing ,coupled with the support system of books & tapes,I got into the business because I thought it would suit an ENFP to the ground. Well,it has lowered my level of extraversion to like 62% from 75% (less anxiety & more confidence due to the support system,I am a lot calmer these days)but my intuition,feeling & perception has increased to around the 70 % mark. It seems to have strengthened my personality,I suppose it is because the support system works on your strengths & makes you the person you were always supposed to be. -- Russell |
| A15 As INTj, you should be wiser than that. Dump the loser before he ruins your life. After he has done weeping, he probably won't have trouble finding some other sucker to be taken advantage of. -- an intp |
| A16 Although the standard type descritions usually leave out the fact ENFP's are often prone to substance (food, alcohol, drugs) addictions, and promiscuity reality seems to support the fact. I am an INTJ male married for 5 years to ENFP female. Its been a constant battle to get her to keep up the house, provide good food choices to the kids, keep things organized. She often is driven by instant gratification and simply does not think before acting. I can be too critical and demanding but it drives me crazy having things in disarray. In many other ways we get along well and both have similar goals, committments and values that keep up together. Part of our bond is I am an enneagram 6 and she a 9 - types interconnected strongly. As for your husband the drug and alcohol usage is not allowed in marriage with children. -- INTJ6 |
| A17 it's likely that your husband feels he isn't needed. and when it comes down to it, he hates being bossed around. the drugs and alcohol are an issue, however. this is the one thing you probably need to come down upon. the others, the house cleaning, etc. if you make him realize that you are in a partnership, and he needs to do his share, and you need his help, he will likely fix himself up. the drugs, though, he probably knows he needs to stop, but will keep putting it off unless some definite action is placed. -- Anonymous |
| A18 Personalitypage.com is incorrect in their assumption that the INTJs work well with ENFPs. I've read enough on the internet to know that INTJ/ENFP just don't pan out right. INTJs hate failure, they hate knowing that the truth hurts when they know that the ENFP would have a better time dating an ISTP or an INFJ. I showed a video of ENFPs doing physical comic routines to an INTJ male and all the INTJ could do was stare and logically state things then go back to their "thoughts", if you ENFPs want that in your life, go date them. -- Anonymous |
| A19 Actually I dated an INTJ a couple of years ago, and one of my best friends is INTJ too. In my experience INTJ women are tough, and it's difficult to really get to know them. Dispite those differences, somehow this is one of the things that keeps the spark alive, and I do believe ENFP-INTJ can make a pretty good match. It's painful to read how grotesque some people seem to blow up ENFP stereotypes. Most ExxP's I know are vulnerable to addictions. ENFP's in particular are often inconsistant, disorganized and absolutely hate routine. That doesn't mean a mature ENFP won't take care of his/her part of household chores. ENFP's I know take their personal commitments very seriously, and will devote a lot of energy in making a relationship or a family work. If you expect them to do it orderly, in a practical manner, and following schedules, you will be disappointed. But personally I do the cooking, washing and ironing, and I don't mind helping with cleaning or tidying up even though I hate that. I'm a disaster at paperwork and making/remembering appointments, but in my experience those are things INTJ's don't mind helping with. People are not personality types, and personality theories are only as thrustworthy as the amount of reliable data that backs them up. Personally I prefer an INFJ, INFP or an INTJ partner over any ISxx type, no matter what theory says. voot -- Anonymous |
| A20 why do ENFP's get such a bad wrap... we can have our rough spots but we not all of us are completely wacko. anyway, on the subject at hand... i would definitely say that the drugs and alcohol are bad, even though i do enjoy a good beer on occasion. it seems to me that your husband has to work on his ability to balance his fantasy world with his ability to face reality. being an enfp, some tasks come hard if my heart isn't into it, however i'm pretty sure if an enfp has a strong value system, strong altruism, and strong loyalty traits it has the ability to trump the more self-involved enfp tendencies which is what happens to me. it's a very difficult balancing act between conflicting internal forces but it can balance out the enfp's weaknesses. i say just talk it out and try to work with him, and maybe see if you guys can jumpstart your marriage or even try to start over and rework things from a new perspective. -- Anonymous |
| A21 As an ENFp, I've made the moral choice to avoid serious relationships and children, because I do think I am basically too lazy. The funny thing is that I love people and I love kids. How messed up is that? Maybe I'll meet a laid-back ISTp to keep me company. Thought I'd be blunt, though. Sorry about your situation. I can't really offer you any relationship advice - other than I think you should offer an ultimatum, those usually spur ENFps onto action. I wouldn't dump him without giving one of those first. -- pandapanda |
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| A22 Feel free to ignore this, but relationships are a two way street..so if what you say is true..is unbiased..then perhaps you are right to seperate? But..if you want to make it work..every man imo needs a hobby..so if you are both willing to set time aside where he can pursue his hobby, so he can compromise to be a responsible parent which is what both you and the children deserve..is this too much to ask for? If it is I feel you have done your best to be honest, I hope things work out. -- Westie |
| A23 just chill jade bug Ur cool wit it. peace and love update us -- menke |
| A24 My opinion is that this is not a 'type' issue, this is your husband not taking responsibility. true, ENFPs are 'escapists', but they are also passionate about family and things that are important to them. many college professors, and event planners, teachers, and community leaders are ENFPs, so they do have capability to 'buckle-down' and take respobsibility. -- Anonymous |
| A25 I have a suggestion... Well, we ENFPs love being known intimately. Perhaps you could try going to your husband and saying to him something along the lines of you'd like to get to know him better, but the drugs and alcohol are getting in the way? Also, allow yourself to show a little emotion-ENFPs are very understanding of emotions. Hope it helps. And as others have pointed out, physical affection is always a plus. -- ENFP |
| *Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com* |
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