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| Questions & Answers |
| Question #1148244560 | Sunday, 21-May-2006 |
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| Hi everyone, just asking for an opinion. I'm an INTj female married to an ENFp guy. The honeymoon years were great fun but now as the time goes by and family responsibilities pile up, I'm growing increasingly annoyed and concerned by my husband's unability or unwillingness to deal with the routine family stuff and constant 'reality escapes' (friends, computer games, alcohol, recreational drugs). I realize that it's not my mission to change him and my options are clear as well: either tolerate it or leave him alone. I initiated the 'separation talk' a few times but it seems to hurt him a lot and he clings to the relationship desperately. I, on the other hand, would rather be a single mother than live in constant frustration about my partner not doing the equal share of work. Providing that we both are willing to work on our relationship, what can you guys advise? I understand that it's too general of a description but any input is appreciated. Thanks, JB -- Jade_Bug |
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| A29 Yes! Definitely about the "being needed" thing! That's most important! Try not to criticize, it makes us resist even harder-as frustrating as that can be. But if you don't ask us to do things specifically, but rather remark on how you're bogged down with so many chores to do, then it's very likely that he might just pitch in and help because we DO need to be needed and we DO want to help when someone isn't asking. And yes, "Will you" IS better than "Can you"-they're very different somehow. Please and thanks are important to-for anyone, but especially for those of us who are sort of hypersensitive. I agree with the above post that advised you to somehow make the chores fun and less routine, also, if possible. And not that giving always leads to getting and you shouldn't go into it with that expectation, but if you try to go out and do something different, maybe take a road trip or go to a comedy club or out for kareoke, a picnic, to the zoo or a romantic vista, something novel, it *might* inspire your husband. Might. But trust me, the less you criticize and more you give, the more you are likely to get without having to ask. Just as long as you give without expecting it to go that way, and also make him aware of your needs by thinking out loud about how much you've got to do rather than directly asking or telling him to do it. This is probably sort of sensitive right now, though, since you threatened to separate, and might need some time before this approach stands a chance of working. If he's a regular ENFP, he's probably so shaken up and freaked out internally that he's not processing normally. Threats to our relationships are really hard, we tend to hang on, even if we've been flaking off for a long time like we didn't really care. It's weird. But then, somehow, threats and criticisms only make us flakier, we get scared and more forgetful and nervous and flaky because we're distracted by walking on eggshells. Even if you didn't do that deliberately, that might be happening right now, so watch out for it...and be forgiving.-ENFP -- Anonymous |
| A30 you need to ignore him when he does bad and reward him with attention when hes good. enfps are like cats. -- Anonymous |
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| A31 hi i am an intj guy an am married to a enfp woman,who sounds a little like your husband(minus the recreational usage thats against policy...) i have come to the realization that she will not change and so i learned to create a system around her so that she ends up doing as i expected instead of expecting the whole kitchen to be clean constantly( which is tough for an uninterested enfp to do ) i expect her to do it in turn rotating the "chores" in a set pattern allows for the routine to seem less mundane but still systematic making it still useful....solid advice= analyze partner to find desires+implement desires into chores+create a non-mundane routine+shower with appreciation for spouse role =outcome...analyze again to find weakness in system+study again...the hardest part of the procedure is the appreciation due to the fact that they are doing what SHOULD be done to keep the environment running as efficient as necessary... i found it a very interesting challenge for me to solve. the problem will be,as it may end up being in your situation,extinguishing this pattern of behavior from occuring in other facets of your life (i.e. inconsistency with work or lack of motivation for improvement in social/financial status) -- intj guy |
| A32 i am an enfp married to an intj. we met in nov 2009 married feb 2010 & it has been the rockiest year of my life. after agreeing to separate recently each to opposite corners of australia, we are going to have a go using this myers briggs analysis to help us try & understand each other. my intj husband supervises my every financial move i make tracking every cup of coffee or purchase i make. at 50 years of age having raised & financially supported my children & former husband for the last 20+ yrs i find it unbearably stifling. he of course finds my impulsiveness & personalisation of criticism unbearable. now i know that he isn't just a judgemental,controling, money obsessed, cold, dispassionate, illmannered,intense guy but a good old intj, i have to work out what to do with this information. it actually makes me feel good to know there are plenty of others out there like each of us.will we gain more by focussing on the one area we have in common iNtuition, or by relishing our polar types. i am a bi-polar enfp so no doubt the ultimate challenge to an intj. ive learned alot from reading these posts so wd love to hear any of your opinions but i choose to believe we are going to make it. -- aquarian rat |
A33 My wife is an INTJ and I have two things two about waking up to a crummy conversation . One as an ENfp pot is no good. We already rely on our imagination and smoking pot does us no good as it is very bad for our motivation and our ability to interpret correctly. Does he exercise? Second, INTJ have a real problem showing love and care. Before you go ranting and raving about how bad your life is, try looking at your self first. Read about what makes your SIGNIFICANT OTHER tick. And then treat him with significance by doing something he would like. After that I'm sure he will win the world for you! Because your an INTJ and I'm sure your awesome, my wife is!  -- judd |
| A34 your husband the ENFP needs to somehow be told that losing his wife will hurt way longer, way longer than any short term escaping that he's doing now. If you have to leave him, he will be very,very distraught. How do I know?? That is exactly what happened to me, (a true-blue ENFP) -- David J Brown |
| A35 A34 - but he will also get over it, in time. "time heals all wounds." It's not about how you manipulate his feelings, it's about how you deal with your own. -- Anonymous |
| A36 I was with an ENFP for 16 yrs. He is addicted to alcohol, and takes recreational drugs. He can be a very good father when he wants to be. Hardly ever turns up on time and has no respect for anyone else's schedule. Extremely bad with money, and will try to get out of paying his way. Extremely manipulative, adept at lying, scheming and false. Very shallow and nice when you look great. Has a social mask. Easily sidetracked by anyone and anything. And now to the promiscuity. Steals anything and has a massive sense of entitlement. He constantly slept around but always had a story and an excuse. Massive ego. Pretends to be nice about people to their face, and then has something bad to say about nearly everyone. Violent and explosive temper. Now I have kicked him to the curb and I realise that I made a massive error of judgement. I should have walked away the second I met him. He has brought me so much pain and hurt. He still tries to justify himself. The best word that I have to describe an ENFP is a womble. -- INTJ female |
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