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ESFj uncovered "When It's Not Perfect"
by I/O

The partner is a reflection of the ESFj so must also strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, the more the partner offers in attributes, the higher the ESFj raises the standards; therefore, a partner is doomed to be imperfect in the eyes of the ESFj. One can take solace in the fact that advice rolls so easily off the tongue ...
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Your Comments: 1+ 21+ 36+ 55+ 63+
C55 The biggest problem with socionics for me being an INTJ aka .. is this notion that an ESFJ is my duality partner.. are you serious? I cant stand them. Theyre stupid and cant grasp a single thing i say. I seem to attract Esfj girls but I seriously dont want anything to do with them. Where the INFJs or the ENFPs at? Those are the personality types I can be with. Not an ESFJ screw that. -- Anonymous
C56 @C15, ESFJ's can always rationalize what they do and stretch the truth to put them in good light. If what you say is true then you're one of the good ones. -- Anonymous
C57 C55, read my article "Impressions of an ESFj" to get a more balanced description. From a project perspective, the ESFj/INTj team can fit like a glove; of course, this greatly depends on their respective backgrounds and on them having common objectives. Physical or emotional attraction is not the same as compatibility. Two heterosexuals of the same sex can be duals, and being duals cannot be the sole basis for a relationship; think of it as a plus in a relationship. I have met many of my type and that of my dual with whom I could never have had any relationship whatsoever because our respective histories created too much of a gulf (baggage). However, when duals actually do fit (on the important aspects), there's no relationship better. -- I/O
C58 I am an ISTP married to an ESFJ for 8 years, I have just recently discovered the personality types, but the descriptions for the both of us are extremely accurate! He is a very organized controlling planner and I am a fly by the seat of my pants type... More often than not he tries to stifle my urges to go and do, I have gained a lot of resentment to these actions. I thought he was just being needy, but it lists several times that that is his personality to need to be close and talk all the time. I am not a talker at all, I prefer to sit in silence and talk when there is something important to be discussed. He gets so angry with me and says he is going to burst if we don't sit there and chat about our days. If I do chose to ignore him he flys off the handle and is in a terrible mood for the rest of the day, and usually when he is being like this he insists on talking and I usually get to the matter of fact side of my personality and make it very clear I have nothing to say. Knowing now that this is part of us, it explains so much, but makes me think why bother? I am sure I would be just as happy living by myself, but really I don't want to put forth the effort it takes to move to a new house... It came out in counseling not to long ago that I have no feelings, if I only knew at the time how true that really was! He is very fast to point out all of my faults, and then he tries to make excuses for things that were said. His famous apology is "I really shouldn't have said that".. REALLY! Everyone that knows him says he is the nicest guy, that statement alone makes me hate them because they have no idea the anger and manipulation I deal with every day. -- Anonymous
C59 To the Comment 15 lady- You wrote above that you gave your kids positive affirmation tapes?...that is the most f'd up thing I've heard. Guess what, not everyone likes you in life. The sooner you learn it, the better. Although as an ESFJ, you strive to everyone like you, otherwise you can't function. Trust me, you definately nag your kids at some point, or will once the get older and will start to rebel. My mother is an ENFJ...this is spot on. Definately needs to please other people, especially her parents, coworkers and friends, worries about what other people think of her and her family. Can act like the nicest, sweetest lady in the world, until you say or do something out of her plans, schedule, or morale world and it's a complete Jeckyl and Hyde. Won't let things go and like jabbing a knife in your side or throwing salt in a wound and won't let things go until she's exhausted or trys to act like a martyr that she's the one giving in. The manipulation through guilt trips is also spot on. Often uses religion as an excuse or misquotes and misinterprets religious themes. -- Anonymous
C60 @C55, I second that. I was married to an ESFj woman for like seven years filled with meaningless practical tasks, nagging, and intellectual vapidity. To this day, she still shows one face to get what she wants at this moment and the exact opposite face two days later in order to get what she wants. Sometimes she does this within minutes, changing from berating to sweet to get whatever she wants. When I suggest that someone might interpret her behavior as manipulative, or at the very least crazy, she acts like I'm the person who has a problem for seeing her as anything less than perfect. Anyway, that marriage fell apart. It's pretty tough when by nature you are interested in the big picture and your wife is interested only in harping and nagging you about the f-ing pretzel crumb on the kitchen floor as if it were the end of the world. Now, I've been with an ESTj woman for a few years, and I find her much the same as the ESFj except that what she wants is always angled for with bracing "logic". Some days I wait for her to issue me a binder full of "Standard Operating Procedures" for living the right way. The right way, of course, being defined as her way. Bottom line, Si users live in a madhouse of paranoia. Si in the 1st or 2nd position seems to create a sense of insecurity in the psyche, leading the Si user to compensate by trying to control the F-ing world right down to the smallest, tiniest, last detail, which the Si user promptly informs us who have their "head in the clouds" is of the utmost importance. To which I always argue, it's insignificant...that's why it's a detail. I don't buy the INTj/ESFj relationship. Si users should stick to Si users. They're the only people paranoid enough to tolerate each other. -- Anonymous
C61 I am an ENTJ married to a ESFJ for over 10 years. I think the description has merits and are correct but the motives aren't clearly spelled out. I think of that movie line "you can't handle the truth" sums up a ESFJ, they can't handle being told the truth without gobs and gobs of sugar coating, wait not even then. I do 100% agree with this statement form one of the INTJ here " if they are ever in the wrong, they won't ever admit to it. Instead, they will come up with some stupid excuse to why they didn't do anything wrong. No matter how many times you prove them wrong, THEY DON'T LISTEN!!" Not only is my wife a ESFP but many relatives are also the same (yes tested multiple times). The one common thread is they 1) bury their head in the sand with problems till they become unmanageable if it requires them to admit a mistake, 2) they will never ever truly admit a mistake or take accountability for their actions, 3) will defend a family member no matter how in the wrong they are just because they are family, 4) they are SUPER sensitive - things like not shaking their hands or saying hi to them will set them off for a long time (even if by accident) 5) in general very short sighted in financial matters, if something requires sacrifice very difficult to get them do follow the advice, 6) have very strong emotional reactions - don't even bother trying to reason or talk to them when they are emotional. I know what I said focused mainly on the negative, there is positive. They are generally caring individuals. They do work really hard when they feel what they are doing is appreciated. (However this means you have to give them work where the outcome doesn't matter and they can be complimented on the effort put forth.) They do seek to get others involved. If they learn to basic accountability for their actions they are super people. -- Anonymous
C62 I made the above comment with one correction, they are all ESFJ (last count is 8 in the group 3 men 5 women/girls) and I am the only ENTJ. Since I posted that comment I have only grown in my agreement. However I also agree that as with any personality type there is the good and bad. Any one of the types if not educated or trained by the other types can gravitate to behavior such as the rather negative initial post description of an ESFJ. I think one reason ESFJ are more prone to this is their sensitivity to criticism (saving face) will cause them to break logic or social rules that dictate it is improper and unfeeling to manipulate others. They do this because they feel it is justified because they are hurting (and that you did it intentionally). However if a ESFJ has been sufficiently called out by others regularly, has been forced through life experiences to lose position, security, it can engender appreciation and true humility (not the fake humility they display). The more spoiled the ESFJ the worse the qualities they mention. -- Anonymous
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