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ESFj uncovered "When It's Not Perfect"
by I/O

The partner is a reflection of the ESFj so must also strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, the more the partner offers in attributes, the higher the ESFj raises the standards; therefore, a partner is doomed to be imperfect in the eyes of the ESFj. One can take solace in the fact that advice rolls so easily off the tongue ...
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Your Comments: 1+ 21+ 36+ 55+ 63+
C21 I am an INFP who is engaged to an ESFJ. I see many of the attributes in him that are mentioned in the article. The need for appearances to be just so and the need to impress others. This makes me hesitant to commit to the long term, we have been engaged for about a year but have not set a date. When things are good with us, they are intense and we have a lot of fun. But I am more conservative and frugal and do have a hard time saying no. He is more outgoing and spends money and goes out a lot more than I like. I don't have an answer to what things would help this relationship, but at least I am more aware and can pay attention to the things that may help us relate better. -- Anonymous
C22 I've just met someone who I think is an ESFJ, and a lot of this seems to really match him. I'm looking into this profile because I'm suspicious of him. (Since I'm INFJ, I like delving into motivations). This guy is always complementing me, and making me feel good about myself, almost to the point of queerness. He hardly knows me, and he wants to know the inside story. So this profile is good in helping me brace myself for such personality types. -- Anonymous
C23 he he the description fits perfectly to my mom who is ESFj -- carlos_infj
C24 How biased is this article? -- Hcat
C25 IN MY little system, I use the word Condemning for Judging. And my ESFj is simply Condemning, whilst null for Intuition, Thinking and Introversion. I was friends with an ESFj for years until one day, the person was going on and on about somebody else's extremely intimate personal life and I asked the ESFj to please not do that. Well. I have been treated like the Devil himself ever since. How dare I interfere with the right to gossip mercilessly! All to say this article is so bang on! I'm ESFp. BTW, the Uncovered Series is by far the most useful writing I've seen on personality, period. Do me! -- MLH
C26 I'm an ESFJ and while many of these particular issues can describe me on my worst day, I hardly think people should be writing off all ESFJ's. Some commenters are acting like it's acceptable to make judgement calls- as if some personalities have less inherent value than others. I can tell you that I feel my extraversion, 'sensing', feeling, and judging characteristics stem from the very depths of me. I could not ever change them. So instead of writing off ESFJ's I believe their existence has to be accepted- just like those of every other type. Trust me, INTPs and INFPs have plenty of their own faults to address- I have dealt with them fully. Although I am strongly influenced by those around me and can suit my reactions to people and make them feel at ease, the lack of moral compass describes in this article is off base. All humans could be good or bad but throw me in a vacuum of a bad society with crime or hatred or racism and I would not buy into it. I do have some inner strength. Also, this profile makes it sound like ESFJs have no introspection or inner feelings. I feel differently- because it ISNT natural or easy for me to do what I really want to do immediately, I spend a great deal of time thinking about how to, traveling and trying to connect, try to really find myself and who I 'really am' deep down inside. I live for the quiet peaceful moments of inner serenity, when one could die happy knowing who one truly is. They happen to all human beings- not just certain types. ESFJs also have great power for good- SOME type has to do the engineering of massive social change. It's not sexy, artistic or freespirited, but someone has to do it. Also some commenters just seem to have been married to ESFJs who also happen to be BAD people- it doesn't take an ESFJ personality to be a whining, money-hungry, ill-educated woman (or man) with the wrong priorities. I can tell you my boyfriend comes from a family that makes 1/4 of the money I do. He is studying for his PhD with a fellowship after years of working for himself. I do want to be with him for stability, but that's not so wrong. I want him for his stability of character, reliability and how hardworking he is- how he could make it through an apocalypse, not how he could take me to a social function and blow people away with his expensive stuff. In an ESFJ viewpoint, which conserves and tries to help, there is no real excuse for marrying or being with someone who is unstable or unreliable or distant. Why suffer? People who take good care of themselves- that's a GOOD thing. But that doesnt automatically mean the person they get has to be a hotshot. -- C Whelan
C27 Wow, sounds like me on a bad day. I tested INFx. -- Anonymous
C28 This article sounds like it describes ESFJs that are extreme on one or more letters. C15 sounds like a more balanced ESFJ. Of course it's natural for ESFJs to feel attacked when anything negative is said about them (whether true or not; intended to help, inform, or attack; doesn't matter)-C26 being an example of this. On the other hand, INTP polar opposites that have had bad ESFJ experiences will most likely attack the ESFJ personality type in general. I grew up INTP and I have damn near a whole family of ESFJs! I ALWAYS felt left out and alienated and my introverted tendencies did nothing more than validate this. Now that I'm more ENTP/ENFP, I can relate better to ESFJs, but the vision of 7 ESFJs vs 1 INTP still remains in my mind... -- Killer B
C29 I think as a base function goes along with a need for perfection. So this would include ESFj along with ESTj, just so everyone understands the application. -- lemons
C30 Oh, scratch that... I mean to say the perfectionist tendency looks like it is measured as so it is likely that a lot of what we're talking about here could have to do with the ENFj as well. -- lemons
C31 c30, that is an interesting point, i would say if that is true, esfj's prefection is extrovert intuition and enfj will try to be prefect through his vision, Introvert intuition. -- ENFj
C32 My current boyfriend is an ESFj and I am a ENFp. According to your pairings we are in a beneficial type of relationship and the description of the relationship is pretty accurate of our relationship. I had become disheartened about the future of this relationship. But now as I read the comments of the INTjs and INFps who were paired with ESFjs it appears that the shortcomings of the personality type is universal and maybe our future together isn't as bleak as it seems. For instance we are both outgoing people who enjoy the company of a variety of others, my intuitive nature compensates for is lack of intuition and his sensing nature keeps me grounded down to earth. Sometimes he thinks I'm flighty and live in the world of fantasy and sometimes I think he lacks depth, but this doesn't seem to be a significant problem. we are both feeling personality types and therefore more empathetic to each others feelings. His judging trait inspires me to be neater, more focused and to complete tasks. I am disappointed that it appears that this site focuses on the weaknesses and difficulties rather than highlighting the best of each personality type and their relationship parings. -- Anonymous
C33 I know two ESFJs' , a male and female... The female I know is very popular with everyone in our small group. I do see both positive and negative traits in her that have been described here. I've learned alot about girls/young women by hanging out with chatting with her... 1) The female ESFJ is the small group leader. Most people from what I observed find her fun to be around with (esp. playing games). Entertaining, Creative-Pratical, Responsible, Down-To-Earth, among several good things that I can describe about her. A very good person overall... 2) She's very perceptive in reading others' body language and equating it towards how they feel. Which is good. There are negative traits of ESFJ (and THIS ISN'T to bash, judge, or put-down ESFJs at all, and remember all personality types have displeasant things in themselves) that I've seen. I'm commenting on this to relate to those who have witness and experienced firsthand ESFJ negative tendencies. I'm also intersted on the percieved negative traits of INTPs, ISTJs, INTJs, and ISTPs from a feelers' view. -- Anonymous
C34 My father is an ESFj and this is dead on. And I'm an ISTp. Lets just say we don't get along that well -- Anonymous
C35 C32 - Beware. If you're feeling types... it only means that you will both feel VERY STRONGLY about your side of the issue after a while. I'm ENFP, married to ESFJ. While they think you're fun and care-free while you are dating.... once you're married you'll realize that they DON'T LIKE IT. What feels sincere to you, is only foolishness to them. And they will change it in you. Or guilt trip you to death trying... "the benefactor doesn't hear the beneficiary..." good luck. My father and wife are ESFJ; I am ENFP. They get along SO much better with each other... than with me. that's real fun... -- Anonymous
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