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Question #1229595440Thursday, 18-Dec-2008
Category: ISTp
Hi, I believe I'm an ISTp. I think it describes be very well. I want to ask other ISTps, with our tendency to push potential lovers away, how do you get over that? What are your experiences and what kind of relationships do you have? -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 20+
A1 Yeah, you ISTP's need to quit that. You run hot and cold and it hurts and confuses the other person. It can also be interpreted as your playing mind games. Do you notice that the more you like the person the more you push them away? If so, what would make you feel more comfortable? -- D
A2 A1 No way ISTp's would quit that. - ISTp's are not able to show a lot of emotion on a regular basis. It's plain difficult and energy draining - ISTp's are introverted and very independet persons, ALWAYS in demand of their very own personal space even within the long-term relationship. - ISTp's are quiet cautious about feelings and relationship, so they take time to analyze what's going on, waiting for other person to act, etc. So, yeah, we are hard to deal with, even for our duals ENFp's. But there's no bad intentions behind our behavior. We are very vulnerable in our feelings and thus self-protective. We never belong to anyone and do not consider anyone to be our property. And as for mind-games, we think that many gender stereotypes like man having to "conquer" woman or promising "eternal love" (how could anyone promise anything eternal?) rituals ARE real mind-games ))) -- Cynic (ISTp)
A3 I'm not speaking about being introverted and needing freedom as what ISTPs need to quit. I completely understand the need for space and the fear of being vulnerable. BUT Pushing potential love interests away is not a beneficial thing to the ISTP or the potential love interest. I have been on the receiving end of this and it is painful. I have never encountered that type of ...behavior? before. One day the ISTPs seem genuinely interested; the next they're almost downright rude and shutting you down fast. It's odd. Is this a "testing" thing? If so, what kind of reaction are you looking for in the other person? Because the only reaction I would deem appropriate to being treated that way is to leave you alone and move on. -- D
A4 i'm like that too. if its someone i really like, it is tough to not push them away. but sometimes its just because it may not be completely explicit as the 'potential lover' thinks it is for us... so we play it safe and protect our feelings. With that being said, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and take a chance. Don't rush it by any means, take your time to figure it out in your head and try to maintain a friendly relationship without getting too close until youre ready. Trust me, if things go youre way, its worth it. if they don't, its still a good thing to experience. The more romantic experience you gain, the better results you should have in the future. This kinda correlates to my personal romantic relationships -- an ISTp
A5 Just don't come on strong, arrogant and insincere or else we'll slam the door in your face. Try instead to befriend us from a distant and share your info on a common interest. If you display romantic interest before even KNOWing who we are as individuals, your efforts are likely to be doomed from the start. -- Anonymous
A6 "One day the ISTPs seem genuinely interested; the next they're almost downright rude and shutting you down fast. It's odd." If ISTp goes rude and shuts the peer down the only reason may be is that the peer annoys him badly. Like being overly emotional or too pushy/demanding. It's like "don't you ever do it to me again". Basically anything that disturbs ISTp's inner comfort is pushed away. -- Cynic (ISTp)
A7 Sigh. I know what you mean A3. Ive run into the same problem and I finally decided to move on. If you seem to be the only one contributing to the relationship then my suggestion is drop em cold and dont look back. If an ISTP really values you they will find a way back into your life and if they dont good riddance. Always present yourself as independent and carefree. Dont call them or write them or try to explain yourself. If you see him or her on a regular basis treat them like a kid brother or sister. Let the ISTP do the work. DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM! If you do (and this could happen if they are really nice to you) NEVER, EVER TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM. If you do you might as well say goodbye in the same breath Hahahhahah. ISFPs are nice btw and do reciprocate:) -- enfp
A8 The questioner wants to know from other ISTp types HOW to get over the 'pushing people away' tactic and not what the other person is supposed to do to them. And I'm pretty sure theyre not having the time of their lives when they turn the people they like into their own haters. To the questioner: Your answer is in the question. The word 'push' is a verb, so it is something you are doing and you can stop it. I am an ISTj and I had a similar problem with people I have a romantic interest in. After being stuck in the same rut for quite some time however, I decided to catch and stop myself whenever I had that impulse to say something they definitely wouldn't like. And instead deal with the situation in a diplomatic way in which no one's feelings would get hurt. As cliche as it sounds, communication IS key. -- Anonymous
A9 @A8 Thanks for the correction ISTJ. I wouldnt want to discourage someone who is trying to improve their situation. Your advice was really good. -- enfp
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A10 Just like A3 and A7, I was at the receiving end of this by an ISTp girl. Initially, there were lots of eye contact and flirting and teasing. Then she started getting evasive after I asked her out. After that she just decided to break off contact. Of course, I felt so hurt and confused about this behavior until I read about an ISTp's hidden agenda. I think A7's advice is best. Until they learn how to get over it, it's best to leave them alone. -- Anonymous
A11 @A10 Do you have any advice for our ISTP who wrote the original question? -- A9
A12 Not sure about A7's advice at all, but A5 is DEAD-on! Unless there is obvious mutual sexual chemistry that runs quite high, and nothing obvious which may disrupt smooth flow of a full relationship (eg, other commitments, mutual friends who also like you, etc.), become friends first. Then move in SLOWly. Creepy-crawler slow. Be humble, gentle, sincere. You may even need to quietly ask before you show your affection. But if you are denied, do NOT repeat attempts and keep it friends, or s/he might eventually push you away completely. We have to decide internally first if the relationship is desired AND also is practical. It can be hard to find your way into that part of an ISTp's heart (unless s/he falls first), but when you finally do - there can be powerful fireworks to behold. -- istp
A13 I have also evaded guys. even guys i really like. but my reasons are different. i don't go out with guys that my friends like, even tho the guy displays interest in me. I value my friendships a lot. I've never taken away someone from anyone and don't intend to. people observing my outward behavior would most likely type me as an ISTP. the thing is i am an INFP -- Anonymous
A14 A13, I would be interested to know your reasons. -- Kanerou
A15 On the luckiest day of my life I met this ENFP girl and saying that she is amazing is an understatement. we clicked so well that I finally think all my past heartaches and experiences with the 'wrong' ones are well paid off, just to find her in the end. She adapts and blends right in so well in EVERYTHING I do and more! Not only does she blend in but always wins everyones hearts with her warm outgoing beautiful personality. My feelings and emotions are ALWAYS her priority. if she senses that I dont feel so good about something she does (and that happens pretty quickly) she immediately changes how she does anything. Anytime any little thing bothers me, I tell her and she takes care of it right away for me or she always knows the right thing to say to make me feel all better. I think deep down we are really similar so we understand each other crystal clearly. shes truly altruistic and does so much for everyone she cares about. its the way she handles people's emotions and make people feel like they belong that makes me (and almost everyone else) trust her completely and right away. its like we can see right through each other. we never hide anything from each other. it doesnt get any better than this. ISTPs - in my opinion (healthy) ENFPs are THE best for us. -- ISTP
A16 She also lets me have my independence. Shes extremely tactful and is comfortable using tactful strategies in dealing with me and people in her life almost always in contrast to all the other types. Most types I went out with before would always get tired of using strategies in dealing with me which would make me want to push them away, and it would bother me if they got too comfortable with me. But not her. She balances everything perfectly like a needle on a needle. She makes me want to do things I never knew I was capable of. Its almost like ENFPs are made for us ISTPs. Pardon my cheesiness, I'm hopelessly in love -- Anonymous
A17 Im ISTp and Ive been married to an ENFp for 21 years. Life is good. Back in the day I was the type of kid that thought quite a lot about my married life and believed I'd end up divorced down the road and planned accordingly. I never thought my wife would be an extroverted and outgoing but the stars shined down on me and we both fell in love. It is worth the wait to find a pretty ENFp lady. -- Anonymous
A18 Ah, A15/A16 you're such a sweetie! I hope many istp's saw that (ie: saw the light! hehe) To be honest, i think enfp's know if a relationship's gonna be a good one or not within a few days of knowing a person, whereas with an istp it can take some time. So istp's, if someone shows interest in u, it's not always bad (maybe she's an enfp ) and if u know she's an enfp, try not to hurt her and push her away hey, coz u might regret it (coz she's ur dual). I'm not saying change ur personality, i'm just saying try be more considerate of her feelings. Look at A15/A16 for example Hehe. Thanx* -- An ENFp
A19 I met this ISTp online a few months ago who travels a lot and is also a public figure. It is the most unusual way I've ever met anyone but he's used to that because he's an artist. Eventually he started calling me and we had a mad connection and wanted to meet each other. This duality was totally palpable even without meeting in person. We understood each other without speaking. It's even actually hard to describe because it's so amazing. However we knew it was impossible to take it a step further (even just as friends) without actually meeting and so stayed in touch. He seemed to really care even if he would never verbally express these words, and I thought we laid a foundation to pick up on. Just a month ago, he seemed excited to meet me as I will be back soon in my hometown where he is right now and he suddenly disappeared. It's really puzzling to me, and I don't know what to make of it. But this behavior does hurt... -- ENFp
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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