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| Question #1172795683 | Friday, 2-Mar-2007 |
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| I have been dating a ISTP guy for 6 months. Two weeks ago i brought up some of our career difference in hopes we could solve them. He wants to farm. I am a teacher and think i want to live in the city. A week later he broke up with me without dicussing his feelings, saying things will not work because of our differences. I had no idea this was coming as i thought we were just discussing it to solve our differences. Finally i told him that we could solve our differences. I could move to the farm or closer. He still said he wanted to break up because he was not sure of his feelings. He felt we were good friends. Nothing more. However, he was very upset and said "he may have feelings for me, but he may have been holding them back so as not to hurt me." He was very upset and crying each time we spoke, saying i was a wonderful person and not sure why he does not have feelings for me. Can someone make sense of this? Is this just cold feet? He just wants to be friends for a while. He wants to step back and think about his feelings. Does this sound like an ISTP? -- V |
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A9 I don't know if this will give anyone else hope or not, but I also recall an ISTp I used to work with, middle-aged, who would be very vocal in the office about how madly in love with his wife he was (and they had been together for years and years). Come to think of it, I also knew an INTp who said the same (until he ... well, won't get into that, but they eventually broke it off, but it was a weird situation). At my last job, an ISTp used to come in and hit on me very casually, ask me to lunch, etc. Although, his casualness was a turn-off. He had been married three times already, not wanting the last one to end. His philosophy was that if a couple is having trouble, what needs to be done is to lock them in a room together until they sort out there problems! I know an ISTp in his 70s, on his 3rd marriage now. He is very loving toward his wife, and VERY tolerant and kindly toward her emotional problems and all the chaos she's experienced in life. I consider him to be VERY tolerant of adverse situations of all kinds, sort of like a rock in the storm who remains calm, understanding, and provides acts of kindness in practical ways and a listening ear. Oh, heck, I remember an ISTp woman I worked with for years, closely. She and her husband hit it off VERY quickly in her early-mid 20's, even though she had been divorced already (brief marriage). This 2nd husband was her dual. They met and were married within months - it all went very fast. They've been married probably 25+ years now. She often said with some optimistic jocularity how she would tell her husband, that if ever he found a woman that he preferred, to just divorce her quickly because life is short and we can't waste time. Yeah, she must've been ISTp. She was very meticulous in HOW the work had to be done, and done within her comfort zone (she was sometimes ill at ease with my experimentation to solve more complex problems, but then thankful I got them solved). And she never wanted ANY feathers ruffled around her - so we were the same, there. Her discomfort with confrontations and non-easy situations did seem to be rather intense. Well, maybe these few pieces of info may help balance the picture a smidgen, that is, that there are many people out there with different interpretations on life, and people are NOT chained to their type. We are more than our minds. And people grow. So maybe it's the younger ISTps, or less developed in general, who may tend to struggle before they reach this new level. And then, of course, there is such a thing as these duals finding each other who actually DO fit together. My heart goes out to the original poster. You've been on my mind and I hope you find joy soon.  -- previous tearful, ENFp |
| A10 Also, regarding the ISTp woman, she was clearly, deeply in love with her husband and would even say so, after all those years. AND she'd share how she just really wished she could share her religious faith with him, as he did not believe. ALSO, that relative who is ISTp - we do share a familial love, even though we're not blood relatives. Well, just the other day I called him - it was NOT the best time to talk - and so he told me so and he was ill at ease, he wanted me to call at the IDEAL time so it might not cause another problem if something else occurred. I was understanding. So here is more evidence that - praise be on high - life consists of more than cold, plug-and-crank theory. Yeah, theories are valid but thankfully there are so many interpretations ... so many possibilities on how things can play out. So indeed, the original questioner should just wait and see, (but try and get on with life too), cause who knows what could happen. I once dated an ISTp who ended it after two weeks of being together daily and having the best time. Things suddenly seemed complex to him because I was not old enough to go with him the places he wanted to (i.e., clubs) but he was reluctant to tell me. It was the most marvelous break up. He avoided me. I called him. He was stunned by my emotional honesty and so thankful, we were able to peaceably talk and he explained his discomfort. Yet things ended. Five years later, he was engaged and his fiance left him soon before the wedding. He did soul searching, and then called me up - YEARS later after our two-week relationship! He wanted to apologize, and believed that what he did then was wrong and he was very sorry. He asked me out, and we did go, but my heart was elsewhere with other complications. He left it open to me to initiate, but I never did (for many reasons). But see - goes to show you - life is full of surprises, you just NEVER know what with happen. For all you seeking ISTp love, you may find it one day. I'm cheerleading for us all, now, LOL. -- intermittently tearful |
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| A11 Quote: "And how can IXTps be considered "weak" in the emotional area, when as an F I can cry for days on end and can't NOT but feel extremely deeply, and so become hurt very, very deeply - very easily, seemingly out of control, when it does happen?" I wouldn't say they are weak in the emotional arena, but there is a huge T in the mix, rationalizing it's way through emotional responses. Once the IxTP can prove to themselves that they do in fact love someone, it's very deep. We are not highly emotional, but deeply emotional. If hurt, we cry as much and as often as an F (though perhaps in private) - even my ISTp associates have mentioned feeling like they cry more than most people when a committed relationship ends, as do I. If anything, emotional pain is harder for us because we can't release or diffuse it as effectively as F's. -- And yes, ISTp's can be very sweet toward their significant others, but conflict will build a wall, everytime. Sometimes it can be torn down, other times not. I hate to say it, but (often) if the ISTp doesn't allow the situation to blow over and chooses to break ties instead, it's because they already have someone else to go to. Despite the appearance of being loners, they are not. They hate to be alone, and rarely ever are. The multiple marriages mentioned in the previous post is evidence of that tendency. -- an INTP/INTp |
| A12 "And how can IXTps be considered "weak" in the emotional area, when as an F I can cry for days on end and can't NOT but feel extremely deeply, and so become hurt very, very deeply - very easily, seemingly out of control, when it does happen?" Not weak in that sense. Weak as in powerless. That is, I can't cause people to have any (positive) emotion about me. Or if I have done that, I wouldn't know. I'm different from A11. I don't cry at all, ever. The last time I cried was when I was a child and a teacher physically assaulted me. That didn't make me cry, but when some kid came to comfort me, that made me cry. It was so unusual that someone cared about me, so I guess that's why I started to cry. But anyway that was about 20 years ago. "A lot of people in these responses and even parts of this site claim that F's can manipulate other people's emotions. Like hell I would ever do such a thing." I see that happen all the time. Maybe only some are deliberate. ExFx's can do that just by being themselves. -- another INTp |
| A13 Your story closely resembles something I went through with a man who was either ISTj or INTj. He silently withdrew while sitting back and judging whether I was "right" for him and then he just left (after having lined up his next girlfriend). I had no idea that it was coming; it blew me away! And for a long time I searched for an explanation and analysed the situation to death and was very sad. And then I just stopped because my life sucked. I got on with my life, got back to doing that I loved doing (public speaking, community building, singing etc) and started dating again. Sometimes there just isn't an explanation (and who knows he may not even know!). I now focus on being who I want to be for myself and if someone likes/loves that, then great...and if not, well what can I do about it. BTW. I went on a date with an ISTp and he didn't like my cardigan (which was a designer item from New York) and he never called again. Now, honestly, how can you ever conrol someone's personal taste in clothing? Sometimes you just have to laugh about all of this! (I'm an ENFP too and a happy one again!) Good luck in your healing journey. -- Anonymous |
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