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Question #1403453602Sunday, 22-Jun-2014
Category: ENFj INFp ISTj Love Advice
Hi Guys, I'm an ENFJ-Fe Woman ( ethical subtype, the Artist). I'm torn between two guys, one I'm quickly falling for and one I've never met. Being an Idealist, i'm dreaming to meet my dual - the ISTJ ( sensory subtype) but I've never found one...yet. Meanwhile, going to an exhibit I've met the most charming man imaginable - an INFP. We've talked of art, culture, travel and a million other things. And now he's interested in me...asking me to be his gf. Moreover, he has serious intentions, looking for a long-term relationship. Dating him could make a beautiful love story, but I know from the start that my dream of finding an ISTJ won't vanish. Additionally, I don't see us dealing with the physical demands of living together ( I'll shamefully admit that I can't do ANYTHING around the house...) Our whole relationship would be about walks under the moon, sharing croissants at dawn...well you get it. The practical, down-to-earth side will go down the drain. Finally, being a VERY emotional person, I have doubts that he'll withstand my intensity... It's unlikely that I'd have this dilemma with a stoical, pragmatic and cold-blooded partner. Where this INFP is " a cloud", I need a "cliff" - a calm and confident person, on whom I always can rely. Neither do I want to lie to the INFP, nor myself. Saying this I am extremely drawn to him...We read into each other's souls like poems...I know I can step over myself to keep searching for the One, aka - ISTJ. But... what if i'll never find this Perfect dual, and wither away in "bright hopes for the future" until I hit 100 (I'm 25 now). Besides, this INFP is a super cultured, refined, and flawless gentleman. The ISTJ could be anything, really( personality being part of the person...the rest being the upbringing). Guys, what would you recommend? I'm sure i'm not the only one who dreams of finding lasting love, but everyone I know who's met the INFP, believe i'm losing my chance on a beautiful ( he is!) romance. Would you go for it ( who knows, maybe it's fate), or stay miserable for the time, investing in the hope, of meeting the best match? Thanks so much! -- Miss ENFJ
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Hi miss ENFJ, I can imagine the dynamic. I think I'm in a similar boat, but from the other side: I'm a male INFP with a female ENFJ friend. It's interesting that you are falling for him, despite he's not what you expect in a potential partner. What makes you fall for him specifically? Is the practical side truly more important for you than the emotional and deep side? Couldn't it be that you are a bit afraid to face the emotional side of a relationship? Maybe two NFs are more emotional together, and potentially more volatile, yes, but also have a greater capacity to learn to manage these emotions in a relationship (because you notice the effects on the other person), as emotional people? And do you feel you need the other person to be strong for you? It's generally harder for an ISTJ to understand us NFs than for an INFP. I think it's tough to be in a relationship with someone who finds it difficult to understand your emotional nature. Unless it's a very mature ISTJ who understands that part and somehow able to connect well with you on that level, but theoretically it's quite a stretch nonetheless, coming from an non emotional ST perspective. Also, it's tough unless you don't want to share your emotional side in a relationship that much, which makes it slightly more business like. And yes, we INFPs aren't as practical, even as you ENFJs who like to get things done (on time). Then again, some flexibility is good to have as long as the INFP has some goals and at least some disciplinary skills, right? (otherwise it's a sign of bad character) My ENFJ friend loves to enjoy our flexible moments, to discover it's still fun when we decide to do something else than planned. And the benefit is that I make sure it's about being together, enjoying the moment and eachother in the first place which is quite calming for an ENFJ. As your ISTJ type is imaginary so far (it's not a real relationship...), why not explore more of your interaction with your INFP, who's a real person in this moment and even interested in you? Maybe you will see there are more shades to the relationship and your own role in it than you thought. -- funkybassist
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A2 Let me just tell you, that I feel exactly what you're talking about here... I am also an ENFJ- Fe Subtype(EIE-Fe if we're talking strictly in Socionics terms) and no matter how many people I've dated, I still dream of my perfect mate. The matchup you're describing here with the INFP is actually a dating scenario I've had recently in the past 2 months, and is known as the Mirror relation. She was very creative, open minded, easy to talk to, calm where I was overly energized, whimsical, dreamy... you know all about that judging from what you've described. However, the day to day "real" stuff was just too much for her. The J component in us at least allows us to deal with the "real", however ineffective we might be with the logical/droning/boring tasks of the day. We (-NFJ's) still see the need to decide and take action, whereas the P in her, and in my ex-wife for that matter, feels perfectly at ease just floating about with options up in the air, and "endless possibilities" in sight. I must admit, it is intoxicating, but for me it started to get old quickly when I had to be the one to plan, organize, and clean everything... I'm all about personal growth, and all people experience personal growth in their own ways. I didn't feel growth with my INFP girlfriend,nor my ENFP girlfriend, nor my ENFP wife. I felt high. Then reality makes its appearance and reminds you need more than just a high. You need companionship. That's what I've been seeking now in any potential mate. Can we work well as a team to reach our dreams, or do we keep our feet planted "firmly" in the clouds? I've made a decision though. If I date someone extraverted, I'd like for them to be my identical. If they're introverted, my dual. Those are among the best type matchups, because in an identical relationship either you, or your identical, will recognize the areas that are lacking, and will assume the role of the dual. It's an opportunity for incredible growth and reflection, because you see yourself through the observer's eyes, and realize the need to take action. Also, with another ENFJ, the energy level is electric. Never a dull moment. Finding that dual though is still something I strive for, and I'm afraid it will always be in the back of my mind until I find it, just so that I know what it is. You should check out my Socionics personals profile in my other comments section. You'll very likely see the exact same scenario you're in reflected in the final paragraph. My advice is biased. I say, look at the future outcomes with those highly developed intuitive lenses, and ask yourself the logical question: Will the load of life be evenly split? Will personal growth come from this? Am I intoxicated them or am I enlightened by them? I hope this helps! -- StevenENFJ
A3 Well, ENFJ, I'm an ISTj. I would hold out for one of us because we are SO FREAKING AWESOME. INFp, on the other hand, will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. And you don't want to go down the rabbit hole. Seriously, #&$* that @*#&! (Dated INFp for a bit.) Joking aside, get with that INFp, enjoy it while it lasts. Because why not? You only live once. Then find youself an ISTj, because we LOVE you ENFJ's... every once in a while. -- Anonymous
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