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Question #1339146860Friday, 8-Jun-2012
Category: Duality ISTp ENFp Dating Love
Hey, I'm an enfp and I've been looking at this socionics forum to look up the answers to my relationship questions that I have for this guy I'm dating who I think is an istp. The thing is that he doesn't know that I look all this stuff up about him, and I do it mainly to try to understand him better. I feel like I really do understand him a lot more now, and I'm feeling kind of guilty about it, as if I'm being dishonest or tricking him, or maybe not being fair to the relationship. For example, from all the posts I've been reading, ISTps say that they have a rich emotional world, and actually more sensitive than what they seem, and that they prefer a lot of distance, and dont like to talk about their feelings. Well, knowing all this stuff has helped me understand him, and if I didn't know it I probably would be trying to talk to him about whether he's okay all the time, and then would be hurt if he were to tell me to leave him alone... I've had 3 serious conversations with him, and it seems to have pushed him farther away. That's why I feel like it's easier to go on this website. So, I was wondering, do you all think that maybe I'm not challenging myself by looking relationship questions up online instead of just trying to talk it out with him? Or do you think that what I'm doing is okay? Or should I tell him what I'm doing? -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+
A1 20 year old ISTp here. Nothing wrong with having guidance and wisdom. That's why we have old folks around. He might actually find this topic interesting if you introduce him in a nonthreatening way. Actually I hope you're not really young. Younger ISTp tend to be emotionally immature. He won't trust you to like him. He won't trust himself to like people. You might try to work on projects, activities, and learning experiences with him. This way he can see how you operate without ever having to bare his heart. Since you're already dating and already acquainted, you can introduce him to MBTI by telling him it's a good practical way to understand how differently people behave. -- istp
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A2 I have wondered this myself.. because ive done it. i find sometimes it can also make things worse by researching a personality type ahead of time b/c you can end up assuming things about people. I am curious what other people have to say about this issue.. -- Tricia (entp)
A3 Such a wonderful ENFp question, I like it I see no problem in that, as long as you're using Socionics to understand him and not to manipulate him into something that only you will profit from. Socionics is a tool, and like all other tools, it can be used to do a lot of good and also to do a lot of bad. So far, it's always seemed to me that ITps have no problem with EFps being interested in psychology and using it in communication with them, as long as they take them for what they are, not just for some type. I'd say, don't push it, wait for some answers here, until you're completely sure whether you want to tell him or not. Btw, time really makes things better in Dual relationships - it's possible he'll open up with time. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A4 Thanks for the advice, it's a good point that socionics is a tool, and that there is also a lot of wisdom from getting advice from more experienced people. Why do you think it takes so long for dual relationships to work? I was thinking a possible answer to that question is that because duals intuitively understand each other, and their subconscious actions fit so perfectly, that it almost becomes shocking to think that there's someone who completely understands you without realizing it. I guess, in that sense, it means that you're interacting with someone completely openly and honestly, and can't really hide from them. Maybe that's why when you interact with your dual, it's weird because they could actually really change who you are, since you can't hide your true self from them? What do you all think about that? I'm not sure exactly what dualization is, though i read that there are stages. Is dualization something that only occurs when you interact with someone? Or does it like completely change your whole personality and physiological response to stimuli? -- original poster
A5 I think it would assist the relationship to share socionics ideas with him. It will set the precedent for him to be more open with you in the future. You, as the more socially competent one can more easily begin the process of sharing your inner thoughts with each other. As far as what duality is... In my experience, duals share similar philosophical, spiritual, and life views underneath the superficial layers. You should be able to easily understand each other's motivations for doing "bizarre" things. -- istp
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