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Question #1321396973Tuesday, 15-Nov-2011
Category: ESFj INTp Family Relationship Advice
My sister is an ESFJ and I'm an INTP, and our relationship with each other runs hot and cold. I really want to get along with her, but I can't understand her at all. To me she seems manipulative, melodramatic, selfish and argumentative. We can be alright one minute and then be in a huge fight the next over something completely stupid, and she's like this with my whole family, my mom who is an ESFJ and my dad who I think is an ENTP. Sometimes she does nice things for me that make me think she cares, but then other times I feel like she hates me for reasons I don't understand or can't control. I know we'll probably never be best friends, but I'd just like to understand her more. Does any one have any advice about how I should talk or act around her to avoid sparking arguments or explain how I feel to her without her blowing up in my face? And I'd really like to know how she is feeling, or how I make her feel. -- An INTP female
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Before your question can totally be answered one thing has to be cleared yet: Are you a Socionics INTp (NiTe) or a MBTI INTP (TiNe)? If you are a Socionics INTp, the intertype relation is conflicting according to theory so that it will be almost impossible to get along with your sister. How is your relation with your mother? It also has to be conflicting if you are a Socionics INTp. Nothing can be asserted if you are a MBTI INTP as this type is not necessarily identical with Socionics INTj. If you can well get along with your mother, maybe it's a problem of your sister which has nothing to do with her type although I think that ESFjs can show this behaviour at their worst days. (see the article "ESFj uncovered") -- piccolo_michel
A2 wow,i don't know how to answer,i had this problem whit a lot of ESFj's (socionics's ESFj)(but ofcouse they are not alone.people from other types can also be like that) .i think that they does not see this behaviour as problematic and painful as some other people do (they mybe think they sould creat a drama for small things-which they see as very big,that they are just protecting they rigths or something).but she still needs to learn how it is for you. when someone reale to me like that i ignore him/her for a very long time.after few cases they shoudn't let her manipulate you,now you are even trying to anderstand her... -- Anonymous
A3 I'm an INTP in both socionics and MBTI. I have an excellent relationship with my mom, and my relationship with my dad is alright. I don't know why my post up there says ESFJ and ENTP for my parents. I meant ESFP and INTP (my parents are Duals and my dad and I are the same type). I don't know. For a while there I thought she might be a narcissist but now I think it's actually just her personality type, because she's not quite as terrible as a true Narcissist. She's apparently rather nice to her friends, it's just with her family that she's horrible, which fits with the typing of ESFJ. I know we are like the absolute worst in terms of personality types to get along with each other, but I don't know, I don't think it can be doomed, there must be a way. If anything I'd just like to know how I should act when she's being horrible to me. I think I give her the impression that her insults just roll off me when they really hurt quite a bit. She basically won't see fault in herself no matter what proof anyone has. If any argument remotely doesn't seem to be going her way she immediately resorts to insults, crying and/or slamming things around. She lies all the time and then acts offended when we don't trust her. I feel like things have calmed down a little bit, lately but it's just a matter of time until something else happens, it's been like that for years. I really think her behavior, constant put downs, and the tense atmosphere her behavior has created in our house has contributed to me having mild depression. -- An INTP female
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A4 Well this surely is a difficult situation. Do you have an ESFp friend? Someone who's not emotionally involved in your family. ESFps often understand why ESFjs act as they act, but at the same time they "speak your language", so if you described one specific incident with your sister to them, they could be able to analyze it and tell you how you could behave around your sister. Also, you could try observing how your sister's friends behave around her, and learn from them. I've been working on a project for 4 years with an INTj professor and after 3 years we got serious communication problems in our e-mails - we didn't understand anything the other wrote and we were not able to agree on anything. I was exhausted and depressed until I started asking my INFj sister's help whenever I was reading the professor's e-mails or writing him one. Our communication improved considerably, because my sister "speaks my language", being a fellow Fi, and at the same time understands the INTj better, her type being similar to his. I recommend doing something similar. Interesting that you say "she lies all the time". I've observed that Conflicting types often see each other as "lying all the time", whereas it's just so different perception of reality that it looks like lying. My allergologist is an INTj and we sometimes have these misunderstandings. I say "the pills you recommended are so great, the rash is totally gone!" Then she examines me and sees a small spot where the rash still is, and says "so it's not gone at all!" obviously thinking I was lying and I'll need different pills. But what I meant was the rash used to take up so much space on my body and after I started to take those pills it started to disappear so quickly one small spot doesn't count because it'll soon be gone, too. But she doesn't understand this could be behind my statement and thinks I'm lying. What I'm trying to say is, there are many ways of perception and expression, and one must be really careful with them. The extreme example being shown in G. K Chesterton's short story "The Crime of Captain Gahagan". She could be deliberately lying, of course, but before assuming so please repeat to yourself several times a day for some period of time "she sees things differently". Sometimes actually a person starts lying deliberately after assuming nobody would believe them anyway so it's not important whether they tell the truth or not. This might also be the case if two of her three family member are her Conflicting types. I know two people who have a Conflicting type as one of their parents and both óf them make the impression of not being themselves and not being frank because the're not in contact with their types and are unsure of themselves (one at 12, one still at 50 years of age). Having a Conflicting relationship in a family takes a lot of tolerance, love, strong nerves and patience. Wish you all of this, and may your relationships improve soon! -- Ezis (ESFp)
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