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Question #1294835187Wednesday, 12-Jan-2011
Category: Duality ENFp ISTp Relationship Attraction
ENFP-ISTP duality conundrum - the chemistry is there, but otherwise it's a challenge. I'm a female ENFP and I've been dating a male ISTP for a little over a year. I think the biggest factor in duality is chemistry. As I look back over the course of my relationship history (I'm 32 BTW), I realize that THE ONLY MEN I'VE EVER HAD GREAT CHEMISTRY WITH ARE ISTPs. I have had relationships (minor and major, young and more mature) with at least four of them. And most of guys who had crushes on me (especially in school) were also ISTPs. My current ISTP and I have very different interests (although that has improved as we expose each other to new things) and energy levels (it's him that has more energy), but we're drawn to and intrigued by each other. Still, I'm not really sure if we're actually good for each other. We talk in circles sometimes and analyze things to death. We also have a difficult time being productive. And there is the whole validation thing, which I really wish could be a bigger strength for him. This definitely isn't a dream relationship although our chemistry is fantastic - and I'm not just talking about you-know-what. In general, being close to him feels wonderful, especially when we're on the same page or not talking about/analyzing anything. But at this point, despite the chemistry (which is easy to take for granted after awhile), we've both grown weary of how complicated things seem to be for us. My head literally hurts sometimes just working though some day-to-day stuff with him. I know that we ENFPs are guilty of wanting perfect relationships so perhaps that's part of my dilemma, but we are also known for staying in the wrong thing for too long. Would appreciate any insights you guys can share. I should also add that, out of all of the ISTPs I've dated, he's got the most husband potential. The others have been too much of a mess in one way or another for me to ever really believe there was long-term potential. This is another thing that makes this tough. -- Frustrated ENFP
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Dear frustrated ENFP, I am an ENFP-ISTP lifer. Married to an ISTP for 20 years. All significant BFs before that ISTP...it's the only way to go. Lots of healing, growth and protection there...not to mention fun and intimacy. Hang in there. It'll help you work through your traumas (conditioning) and you'll be the better for it. Chemistry is everything-it's the electromagnetic wave (chi/love/life energy). -ENFP -- Energiecoach
A2 Duality is not easy! It is a challenge! The websites won't tell you that, but it's the truth. The reason is because growing is not always a comfortable experience, and when you're in a dual relationship you're doing a LOT of growing. While it can be tough, it's worth it. I'm an INFj and once I dated my first ESTj I knew I had to marry one. I've been with my current partner for over a year. Think about how when you're with other ENFps you have fun talking about the same things and thinking the same things about everything but when you leave you feel a tad empty because it's like talking to a clone. You don't usually learn a lot of new approaches and you certainly don't develop your weak points. Your ISTps on the other hand are constantly helping you grow - why else do you think you'd keep returning to them? And I know that your dual is a lot like mine: he is often insensitive, unsympathetic, and obstinate. It can get me really upset sometimes. Underneath I know how much he cares. Our duals (though they'd never admit it) literally need someone to teach them how to love. It can get tiring encountering the same issues and mulling them over (believe me, INFj is also a relationship perfectionist-idealist). It may be tempting to move on because falling in love feels so great. But you may find that if you stick with it, you fall in love all over again, and more deeply. Best of luck! Hope I could be of some help! -- INFj
A3 Thanks so much to both of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am happy to report that things have been getting better recently. We took a week-long communication break from each other around the time that I wrote this and it turned out to be the best thing for us. I needed time to clear my head and so did he. We both missed each other and realized how much we love and need each other. And we agreed to stop analyzing things so much and "just be" more often. I really am grateful to have someone to bounce things off of - and yes, I definitely am growing as a result of this relationship and so is he. So I will stick with it! Thanks again for the feedback! -- Anonymous
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A4 Wonderful posts. We hear too much negative feedback about ISTPs. It's nice to hear some good news. -- Anonymous
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