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Question #1256133703Wednesday, 21-Oct-2009
Category: ENFp ISTp Dating Duality Advice
I'm an ENFp female who is really into this ISTp guy. So far, our relationship totally resembles the other ENFp/ISTp duality descriptions I have read. I'll leave his house thinking "wow this guy is way more into me than I thought; he really likes me!" only to see him the next day and get an awkward distant vibe from him and then not hear from him for a week. A couple times he's expressed that he wants to take it very slow (we've only ever kissed), so I've been letting him make all the moves. The problem is, how do I handle him when we're with a big group of people and he doesn't seem to notice my existence? Do I just ignore him too? I would play hard to get, but his advances are so rare it's hard to pass them up! When he's feeling warm and friendly, should I resist the urge to return those feelings and try to keep my distance, or do I just give into him? This dual relationship sounds tumultuous, and there are lots of warnings about ISTp's hurting people. I don't want to get hurt, and I've been thinking about cutting it off before it goes any farther. I really, really like this guy, but the hot/cold attitude is hard for me to deal with. I really appreciate any advice you might have for me. Thanks!! -- ENFpGator
Your Answers: 1+
A1 My advice is try to state whether you love this guy from all your heart, whether other of his qualities (like sharing or not sharing your values etc.) in your opinion make up for your tumultuous relationship, whether you want to stay with him. If yes, then try to be yourself in the times when he "doesn't seem to notice your existence". Don’t let yourself be upset by it. When you feel like really needing to attract his attention, attract his attention, when you feel like not interested in him for the time being, speak to someone else. After all, you are his Dual so your most natural behaviour is more or less what he subconsciously needs. ITps need a lot of Fi so when he's feeling warm and friendly there is no need to keep your distance. I personally like the moments when ITps feel warm and friendly and I can chat and joke with them, they are great, so why not enjoy it? Also, ISTps eventually get used and like even overwhelming people. He probably isn't doing anything to you on purpose, well at least the ISTps I knew didn't, he's just... not F. They don't think about it much but are actually afraid of being refused, so they sometimes refuse someone before the other party does, but if you take up the same strategy your relationship will fall into pieces. I was hurt like this by ISTps several times and it wasn‘t that terrible. - Be sure of yourself, practical and open - ask him if he wants and can give some attention to you now or if he needs time alone now and you two will talk later. If you want flowers, ask for them. I know this doesn't sound very romantic but this is the way my ENFp cousin's and her ISTp husband's marriage works. – Someone on this site wrote something like „if he wasn’t like this and wanted more of your attention, maybe he wouldn’t be interesting enough to you.“ -- Ezis (ESFp)
A2 Don't ignore him! That's one of the worst things you could do. Try to stay warm and friendly even when he is cold and distant. He is probably more scared of getting hurt than you are and needs reasurance that you really care about him. -- istp
A3 give him positive reembursment when hes good and dont be too emotionally dependant on him. -- Anonymous
A4 Thanks for your input! We both love the outdoors and share similar religious, political, and social values, and I know that he's attracted to me, so that's why I can't understand why I don't hear from him more. When we go out together, I have 100% of his attention for the entire night. But like I said before, the next day we'll be in a group of people and he'll hardly say a word to me. Now I haven't heard from him in a week and a half. I'm struggling to determine whether it's because he's not into me or if this is just how he is. It would be a terrible idea to confront him or express my feelings at this point, right? Do I just keep on acting like I haven't noticed that he hasn't called in a week next time I see him? Ugh, I just wish I could get this guy out of my head! Thanks again for all of your advice -- ENFpGator
A5 Be clear and direct in your communication with him and tell him what you need from him. If he cares he will make an effort. Whether or not that effort will be enough to satisfy you is up to you. Generally people don't change, so decide now if he is giving you what you need just by being himself, or if it is going to be a constant struggle and end up with disappointment time and again. -- Anonymous
A6 A4: A week and a half is a long time for you, but not for an ISTp. From what I know about them, I would say he just does not want to be too clingy. After all, it is you who is the EF in the relationship, he is the IT, so you are the basic creator of your relationship. So do not be afraid he has forgotten about you and make the first move. Simply dont mind. INTps are similar in this; and an INTp can not write you for half a year and still be crazy about you. One of my friends wasnt writing to me even for two years! Then I thought I might write her, and she responded with such enthusiasm I was genuinely shocked. It turned out she was remembering our friendship every day but was too afraid I might not reply so she didnt make any contact! I was consterned about it at first, but now I have come to find it refreshing because I can meet her when I want and she doesnt insist on meeting every day. I am the "important contact-maker", she is the "important privacy maker" and we are both fine. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A7 dude, i can't even handle that. i'm an enfp, and my istp texts me back every day. i understand the slow thing... but if it doesn't eventually pick up, i'd say forget it and not worth your time. not that we don't ever need space, but enfps need a lot of communication and if this istp can't give it, it'll be difficult. -- iamenfp
A8 I've noticed ISTps get frustrated if they dont know what people want. When they dont know what people want, they keep doing things for people (HA: to love) thats not wanted and are not appreciated so its wasted energy. -- Anonymous
A9 I'm an ENFp and I'm in relationship with ISTp for 13 years. I agree with A4. We are totally on different pace with the ST. Things really developed very slowly between him and me and it took us 6 months as friends before we start dating. I can understand it's such a pain for us to wait that long because we are so intense. You need to continue being warm and friendly and let him gets the hints that you like him but not to the point of smothering. Give him more time, I know this is hard for ENFp but you can always find something to distract yourself while waiting. I know it's easy say than done but I have been through that before. -- Anonymous
A10 ENFp + ISTp = good. -- Anonymous
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A11 ENFPGator... I'm going through the same thing right now. I wish my ISTP would open up to me emotionally and express himself more often, but we're both so shy about it that it is difficult. I really adore him too, and I don't even know why. It's unexplainable. -- LilENFP
A12 He might be funny in public because he really likes you, but is afraid to make that known to his friends. NOT because of anything about you! but because he's such a private person about his feelings... and doesn't want to screw things up. -- ENFP
A13 istp is too terrified to love. you should try shock therapy. try to initiate physical contact by like covertly playing footsy or just touching him anywhere. he will enjoy this. istp is overwhelmed by groups larger than 4, especially if he has to deal with people he doesn't know. you can help him here by being one on one with him, even when in a large group. generally, stay physically close to him. and make it obvious that you want him to look at you, and pay attention to you. -- Anonymous
A14 if you pull away or flirt with other guys, it could really mess with his self esteem. he's basically not sure what you want. you also maybe don't know what you want. i'd recommend you try out this.relationship. i dont think it can hurt to get to know him better. and you can always leave him if he's too crazy. don't be fake. you should make sure he knows what you want. he won't naturally be aware of what either of you want. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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