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Question #1247912724Saturday, 18-Jul-2009
Category: Attraction ISTp Duality ENFp Intertype Relations
I have an ISTP I see at dance once a week and he's enough to drive me crazy! He has this way of staring a whole through me... but he won't approach me, talk to me or ask me out. Yet, his interest is very visceral and physical. It has impact. Problem is, I find him confusing to read. I never feel like I'm on solid footing. I've tried having conversations with him, since that's my comfort zone. I'm an E/INFP (an E in public, an I in private). He aborts conversation, and doesn't take me to the comfort zone. Consequently, I've responded to the attentions of an ESTP and ESFP who I won't go out with (they are both not serious options). Due to this behavior, he has played little vengeful mind games with me... I find him terribly intriguing, and probably he could take advantage of his opportunities... but I don't think he knows his status with me. Very frustating... Any ISTPs out there have any clues about all this inactivity on his part, or what I can do to enable him to take appropriate action? Reading the other questions on here have helped me understand him much better... otherwise: ENIGMA. -- Mystified ENFP
Your Answers: 1+
A1 He probably won't make a move until he's 100% sure... which can take a while. ISTps just have a terrible fear (although they may not admit it) of rejection. I'd show him more attention, but not so much casual conversation...ISTps don't like to be on the hot seat with someone they really like. I'd say be more subtle. Playful flirting, eye contact, smiling, short conversations, joking, etc such that other people don't notice as much. And do it in an 'I like you' way rather than a friendly way. That should get rid of his inactivity. -- ISTp
A2 Well if you get mixed messages and feel like you've done your part and threw the ball in his camp and h's still not acting on it. It just means that he's not that into you, sorry to say. But that's what I think. Some guys you never know what ground they stand on regarding whether they're attracted to you or not but if you've been giving him the chance and he's not picking up, forget it. If he really wants you he'll respond in a pro-active way if given the opportunity. -- Anonymous
A3 ISTp thanks for responding! I'm going to try your suggestion. I think you really get it! Regarding A2: He gets awfully jealous of the attention other guys show me, so I wouldn't say "He's not that into me". Also, "he's not that into you" is a ploy to get women to give up on their love interests. It's also insulting. It's a way to get women insulting each other... What I've learned is that formulas don't work with men and women interactions. Relationships are very dynamic and constantly changing. An easy answer for a complicated situation doesn't sound right to me in any case. Just my opinion... Thanks for your input, though... Thanks again ISTp! -- Mystified ENFP
A4 Serious conversation isn't typically a comfort zone for Ne ego types - i.e., if it goes too deep. -- Anonymous
A5 Right... that's so hard for me to deal with... I don't know. Is this an ENFP deal breaker? I'm might tire of him because of this. Any other ENFPs experience that with ISTPs? -- Mystified ENFP
A6 "ISTps just have a terrible fear (although they may not admit it) of rejection" This isn't nearly as ISTp-like as much as it has been portrayed on this site. Most ISTps know and accept their self perceived "flaws" which makes them comfortable and bold in talking and initiating gracefully their interest with the people they like. They also openly take and think about criticisms like "YOU DONT EVER SAY THAT TO A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!" and decide if it's valid enough to follow it. They also stay optimistic about flattering interest from the opposite sex while keeping a *reasonable* guard on their emotions so that they don't get hurt.. even from rejection; and keep a balance to avoid unhealthy codependency. I'd hate to see someone not giving people chances just because their afraid. I'd rather know I took chances and tried than wonder what would've happened if I had the guts in time. Its a given fact that not everybody is gonna be reallllly attracted to and love each one of us.. different people have different tastes in everything. Can you imagine what all the cookie dough ice cream (= ISTp) lovers would do if cookie dough ice cream refused to step up to be sold and show itself in the store freezers just because it obsessively focused on all the people that that DIDN'T choose cookie dough ice cream (and kept thinking their too sweet, chunky or spotty or something.. even though that's exactly why most people lovee cookie dough ice cream!) and not on all the cookie dough ice cream lovers that would died if they didn't put a spoon full in their mouths RIGHT NOW?!? It would be sad sad day when cookie dough ice cream started hiding in corners in the dark freezing storage room. Can't bear to think about it. -- Anonymous
A7 @A6 I love you for that illustration:) -- ENFP
A8 A6, you don't sound like a very understanding person. -- istp
A9 Well the possibility is he is an INTp, actually. Their interest is very physical (because of the Se partner-seeking function) and they can have this habit of "seeing right through you". I have witnessed that several times. Their eyes are much more active - kind of vulnerable and strict at the same time - when it comes to the opposite gender, than those of ISTps. They are also less inclined to small talk than ISTps. They often choose to communicate with their eyes only. If you find this interesting and intriguing, maybe you are an ESFp? Anyway if you feel like he is the right one, it will need a lot of patience and multiple attempts at establishing contact. An ITp might not respond to them right now but might remember them and they would make him feel more comfortable around you some time later. Unfortunately, I must also tell you I had a very similar experience once, and it turned out the guy had a girlfriend and was just intrigued by my ability to speak Latvian. You need to be very gentle and at the same time very open to find out what is going on. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A10 A8: Why is that? -- Anonymous
A11 I think A6 makes an excellent point -- ISTp
A12 hes at dance class? What kind of dance. Maybe hes gay... And he just admires you ...like the way you are- hes trying to be more like you. Gay guys do that sub conscously. Lol -- enfp
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A13 maybe his vengeance if because u took all the dudes attention at ur neat little bally class(probably not the best place for a heterosexual woman to find a romantic parnter). -- Anonymous
A14 Dance classes are where all the hot girls are at! A12 is definatly not a thinker, possibly hater because N types are clumsy and are not good at physical activities. A1 is a true istp he undertstands them. Just keep being friendly he will come around. Write him a letter and pass him your info he should get the hint. -- GP
A15 A14 How am I a hater? (not that your opinion even matters to me anymore after such an ignorant remark.) I've just never seen a straight guy serious about dance class except maybe hip-hop. N types may be clumsy if they aren't athletically conditioned, but I've taken gymnastics, ice skating, belly dance, and ice hockey classes so I'm extremely graceful and well coordinated. And my answer wasn't completely serious either, I was just a little giddy at the time. Sheesh! Mystified ENFP- You know when a guy persues you and you're really not attracted to him and you try to show it but it comes off as "hard to get" so the guy tries harder? Well theres a really good book called "Why Men Love Bitches" and it teaches you how to be a "bitch" (a dreamgirl instead of a doormat) so guys actually feel like they are being challenged, the ones that you like, and they end up trying really hard like the way guys you don't like do. It ties up all the loose ends from He's just not that into you, and it also shows you how to ward off the guys your not interested in. Its like my bible. lol -- A12
A16 I agree with A11. ISTps, especially less confident ones or ones that have dealt with emotional stress/trauma, who really put themselves out there — i.e., outside of their comfort zone — to get close to someone, can be hurt badly if their relationships turn sour — whether we admit it or not. Though this hurt doesn't usually last for long. We're good at bouncing back and learning to take things for what they are. And maybe appreciating those things all the more for that. However, there is a certain type of person that it bothers us to lose more than other types. Namely, you ENFps. ESTps have also been known to get under my skin, but now I'm digressing, so... -- ISTp91
A17 Why don't you ask him out, instead of being the typical passive female? -- Anonymous
A18 I agree with A1 and A16. Personally for this ISTp I tend to make a move only make a move when I am 100% sure she likes me/will say yes or when I'm head over heels for someone. A few years ago I went way out of my comfort zone to tell a female ENFp friend of mine how I truly felt about her. Yeah she didn't feel the same and it did hurt alot, but I accepted it and moved on. -- SLI
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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