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| Question #1242024060 | Monday, 11-May-2009 |
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| I have a question. I was in a long-term relationship with an ISTp for about a year. It was perfect. We NEVER fought or hurt each other, we never got tired of each other and the only thing that was bothering me was that she didn't open up to me very often. But I still loved her and we got along just well, until one day when I got an email from her where she broke up with me. She said that it didn't work out between us but also stated that she didn't wanted to lose me, because she cared too much about me. I was crushed. Out of nowhere she just wanted to be friends with me and nothing more.. And the next day she called me and asked how I was doing, sounding like everything was OK between us. That ****ed me off! I started to ignore her and went out with another girl. We stopped speaking to each other after that. But it took only about a month when she again started to call me, asking how I was doing. It's been 6 months now and she still keeps calling me now and again, but it's hard to forget her when she calls me every week. The worst thing is, I still have feelings for for her. My question is WHY do ISTp-s do such things and is it ever possible to sustain a normal relationship between ENFp and ISTp? Also, is this common for ISTp-s to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends like this? -- ENFP |
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| A9 Important "Secrets" revealed for all ENFPs. **Fiction - ISTPs are noncomittal by nature and do not contemplate the future. **Fact - ISTPs are serious in all relationships. We do not want to TALK about "the relationship." When we try to envision "the future," which we attempt regularly, we either see it look bleak or else a giant void of uncertainty. We need your gentle assistance in this area in the recognition and commitment to mutual goals. We could experience a great month, but a really bad day with you can throw it all out the window now and make us question our need and desire to stay in the situation, or has it all gone bad now? Was it a sham? Can we still trust you? **Fact - We couldn't care less about what "everyone else" is doing such as latest fad restaurants, form dances, social dalliances, etc. **Hidden Fact - We expect certain relational notions to be obvious according to (gasp) minimal, typical social norms. (Examples: (1) If you ask an ISTP out in high school, s/he will hope to go to homecoming with you as well as true dates, not just constantly "hang out" and make out. Show an effort to create some real dates, share conversation with us, etc. (2) If you are dating a 22 year old ISTP for a full year or two without sex, s/he's likely to be damn frustrated with you if you don't make her feel desirable and satisfy her soon. (3) If you take us for granted, ALWAYS skimp out on us financially with lame excuses, and constantly leave the grunt work for us - we notice your disrespect, which lessens our commitment to you. (4) If you are dating an older ISTP female "with her clock ticking" who has expressed the desire to "possibly" have children someday, she will periodically seethe inside over your lack of future forward movement to take initiative, your lazy unfulfillment of whatever moral practical concerns may be required to establish a real life together, and your failure to magically, meaningfully propose to her already in a memorable way. She wants to get on with her life. Fine examples. All these things are common sense to us, but are recurring kinds of problems in ENFP-ISTP relationships.) **Fact - ISTPs HATE telling people what we WANT. If we have been "bold and weak enough" to seriously communicate such a need or desire to you, the relationship is now possibly do or die, it must be so absolutely vital for us to have to daringly make such an "obvious" need known. Our needs and desires are amazingly "minimal" compared to most people. That is, minimally FULFILLED, because we cannot keep self-control while creating pushy or histrionic scenes that other types do to demand our due - what should be humane and equal, loving treatment for everyone. So if you observe the kindnesses and considerations most other people get and then demonstrate some of the same to us, without our asking for it, we will be appreciative of your kindness, respect, consideration and moral character. **Fact - We get bored with most people without common topic(s) of mutual interest. That is why we enjoy our own company and autonomy. Now, one excellent thing you ENFPs have going for you is your ability to be fully present and genuinely, sincerely visit with us as you are - close and present yet not smothering, emotionally well-tempered and cool. However, if the time we spend with you ends up always being focused on YOUR own interests in the end, this deeply tires us over time if we cannot clearly sustain the same level of interest to meet you halfway. **Fiction - ISTPs are low maintenance, easy people with no needs, little desire for change. **Fact - ISTPs need ENFPs to introduce more variety into our life which we could not otherwise experience without you. For example, if you were to suggest and lead at least two novel yet potentially interesting outings in a year, we expect this to naturally happen. But if being with you restricts our exploration of life/the world rather than further enables it, this will count against how much longer we might be willing to stand by the relationship. ***Summary - We do not wish to discuss the relationship too much, if at all, if we sense it may doom it (and for us, raising concerns often does, in our experience). Should we have to, we are already terribly disappointed and questioning the seriousness of your interest and commitment now. We feel deeply disrespected by your behavior by now. Are we a pseudo-caring but stagnant couple going nowhere now, while you lay in your comfort zone and I sit here again bored to tears? Yes, I mentioned commitment - to our relating, NOW. If our relationship progresses to the status where it seems like we are always waiting on YOU, exclusively enduring your interests, the relationship is doomed unless you make some changes fast. We'll give you time - too much time, usually - but then we'll finally end it if the whole thing seems like it's going nowhere to us. We'll painfully love you as we are forced to move on to try and get on with our lives and hopefully make something better of our current lot. ***Final explanation - We're not going to ask you do modify your behavior directly because we believe you to be self-motivated people who will do what you want to in the end. We are sensitive against telling you what kind of "front" to build to keep us happy as to do so, to us, is fake to some degree - that is, your behavior modifications may not last in later seasons of the relationship when you feel too safe in it again and slack off. We have better things we can do with our time to keep ourselves amused or improving our life skills, our knowledge, indulging our curiosities ... please do not leave us obligated to wonder where the greener grass lies. So remember - no matter how much we may love you, we rely on you intuitive types to introduce newness and progress once in a while to keep it fresh for us. Show an unusual effort now and then. But don't be too aggressive or push us into activities beyond our known rational limits (such as sky diving if we fear heights.) -- Anonymous |
A10 A9: That was beautiful.   -- ISTp |
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