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Question #1239597618Monday, 13-Apr-2009
Category: ISTp ENFp Love Gay Relationship
Im in a male-male enfp-istp relationship. I cant say much for my boyfriend (the istp), but i seem to spend a lot of time being insecure of his affection. We don't conflict and our relationship is brilliant when we are together. When we are apart i simply cant stop thinking about him and as a result feel insecure about him. Ive withdrawn myself slightly. Is this usual? I personally think this might be a personal problem i have, I am 18 and this is my first relationship plus i have far too much time to think at the moment. Whereas he is 28 and has 5 relationships prior and is plenty busy (trust me!). Even so, I just want to see what people say on the dynamic. -- Anonymous
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A1 There have been several question posters with a similar problem here, and many answers too. So you can try reading the discussions under "ENFp" and "ISTp". I was in a similar situation with my INTp friends and my ISTp ex, and what I learned is that the easiest way is to take the emotional part of the relationship as mine, and the practical as theirs. It is probable your boyfriend loves you, if he's seeing you and you get along perfectly... but he's simply T, not F. I can understand your uncertainty very well, it had been very painful not to have any emotional feedback from my ITp friends for many years. But we somehow managed to stay together and now they even sometimes say "I very much enjoyed the time with you" "we haven't seen each other for quite some time" and "I miss you". That's enough for me, as I have realized I don't need the emotional feedback so terribly, plus I have learned how to read about their emotions betweeen the lines, and they have learned to express their emotions to some extent. I believe this is the EF-IT version of the first phase can be quite tough (see the Relations: Dual Relations section at this site). -- Ezis (ESFp)
A2 I've known ENFps to shield themselves from hurt and value emotional independence so as to not get hurt. I'm an ENFp and i usually have a solid reason why i'm withdrawing myself from someone i'm in a relationship with. If you think carefully you just might find that its not you, its your istp boyfirend. -- Anonymous
A3 I advise you to go and get a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. It is good for guys to have male friends and for girls to have female friends, however as far as a romantic relationship goes, a lifetime partnership, a woman can bring to a man what a man cannot, and a man can do for a woman what a woman cannot. Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps. -- Anonymous
A4 i totally understand what you are saying. I've been seeing an ISTp for about 1.5 years and the same thing has been an issue. i don't feel secure about the way he feels for me. i am an ENFp and my therapist says that i need a person to tell me that they love me in bold bright colors. my ISTp boyfriend paints with pastels. Supposedly, he's telling me he loves me but in his own way: his own "love language" i know that he loves me, but i can't "touch it" i need more in your face verbal affirmations. it's great that he's such a logical type because when we do "argue", he doesn't throw emotions at me so that i don't escalate the conversation. anyways, gotta go. hope this helps -- ENFP with an ISTP
A5 Why are you insecure about his affection? Have you considered that maybe he's not right for you? On the other hand, could it be that you have expectations in your mind about what you need to feel good, but that these expectations may not be based on what is actually offered to you (in other words, asking too much)? When someone is insecure, who is the one who has to deal with it? Just a few questions; the only way to figure it out and be happy is to self-analyze. -- INTj laddie
A6 He doesn't give you attention and doesn't make you feel good. He's too busy? *yawns* He's not that into you. Dump him and find someone else. -istp -- Anonymous
A7 Ya ever try to push two magnets together with like poles? The harder you try to put them together, the harder they push back? ISTPs are that way. Best to find that happy spot where you can be close, but not too near. I know that must seem less than fulfilling, but as an ISTP, I must say that nearness can only be tangential, and periodic. Not too close nor too often. And to make matters worse, the ISTP has to drive that union. I know it's not fair. So does he. But ISTP's have a magnetism that is usually set to repel. Hey, you wanted magnetism. -- ISTPJim
A8 Hi, I can completely relate to what you are thinking in terms of your ISTP boyfriend. I am an ENFP male and have had an ISTP boyfriend...There was something magical and chemical when we were together that just drew me to him even more, but when we were apart (as this relationship was long distance), I would drive myself crazy wanting to know what he was thinking and if he did miss me, why wasnt he doing little things and letting me know. The one piece of advice I can give you is this, ISTP's do not think about the past or future as much as an ENFP does. Most long term relationships for ISTP work by them approaching it on a day by day basis. If each day is good, they will proceed with the next. Where as an ENFP psycoanalyzes every little thing the other person does and think about how this will affect the future. If he likes you and cares about you, you will push him away by forcing him to think too far ahead. ISTP's dont like to do this and are often not so great at it as they dont have the intuitive, big picture ability to feel their way through something that has not yet happend. -- Major ENFP
A9 A8, you are right on. As an ISTp, I have to agree that I'm not a planner. It's not that we don't appriciate friends, but it's a sort of out-of-sight-out-of-mind problem. It's not for lack of loyalty and love, just a very narrow window on the world. And on top of that, we have a built in wall that's hard to breech, and we are independent, and have few needs. All of that together makes for a self suficient, but often lonely existance. -- Anonymous
A10 Read the "istp uncovered" link here on socionics. It's absolutely true (and honestly, I've known a LOT of them in my family and work). The giving nature of an enfp is the pot of gold to a cheap istp, and I don't just mean in the monetary sense. Istp's are takers, in my experience, and if your motivation is to give, it might work... So long as you keep giving! -- garry
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