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Question #1225538993Saturday, 1-Nov-2008
Category: ISTp Dating
How does an ISTP male go about pursuing a woman? Or do you guys just play hard to get ALL the time? -- INTP
Your Answers: 1+ 20+
A1 My brother-in-law is an ISTP, married to my sister which is an intj. He's usually quiet, but he doesn;t play hard to get, he's patient and helpful, and slowly he gains my sister's trust. I dont think he is someone that will have the quick lips with the woman type. But they can play the role of a gentleman. you will also see them use , especially in writing and not orally. -- ENFj
A2 We don't generally pursue, cause we don't, generally, have a clue, ITSP folk can often be downright oblivious to most of the subtle "hey I like you" cues since it's often the least developed part of their personality. If you want them to know you like them, you will probably have to tell them, in fact you will probably need to drill them right between the eyes with it, and even then they will probably go somewhere else to mentally chew on it a while. If they come back, it means there's interest, just be patient, and don't be upset when the response is something as small and simple as "Okay." ISTP folk are very cagey about letting anyone close to them emotionally and those internal walls never come down easily or quickly, time and patience are required, and if you really mean to steal a march on them and show an interest in them, try putting your hands or mind to work on whatever their current project is. That will cross things over from their uncomfort zone into an area where they can be comfortable with you and reduce the emotional distance enough to make contact with them in a personal way. That is of course, just a mere suggestion from an ISTP who tripped over this site by accident, your mileage may vary. -- Anonymous
A3 I've met a ton of ISTP males who are very promiscuous and only like women who look like little girls or celebrities. They are the most superficial when it comes to attraction and have a compulsive need to get laid. -- entp
A4 Thanks A2: That helps. -- Anonymous
A5 as an ISTP, i'd say playing hard to get is our natural game... at least for me. I can't help it, although unlike A2 I feel like I am pretty good at picking up the cues, but rarely do I act on those cues or make judgments about them. Usually the thought process is like "Hmm.. she did that.. that could mean this, but its not explicit, so i'm going to ignore/disregard it." The last thing I would want to happen is to MISREAD "i like you" cues and get hurt because of it. -- Anonymous
A6 My experience has been that both ISTp and INTp types are usually romantically aloof and don't pick up the "I like you" cues. Especially males. -- Anonymous
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A7 A6...Yes, this is true. A lot of time I'm told by a friend that someone likes me. I'm usually surprised and my thought process is "Oh, I just thought they were being nice." But what's sort of attractive about the ISTP (to me, anyway). I don't feel like I'm pressured to "show" emotions sooner than I feel them (that's a big thing!)and I feel as though there is a mutual understanding of the need for space. -- INTP
A8 I had a girl tell me one time that my ISTp brother was "impossible to seduce." And based on other ISTp guys I've known, I'd say she was about right. -- Anonymous
A9 I feel the same as A5 -- Anonymous
A10 ISTp's hard to get? NO WAY.... THEY PERSUE TO THE END! In my experience I wasn't interested in an ISTp that liked me the first time I met him. I didn't plan on giving him a chance, that and I thought he was a loser. We hung out with him and went to parties and one night he tried to seduce me and it didn't work so he tried even harder, and basically had to resort to getting me drunk AND high, so while my head was going *dododo* he made out with me on the couch and I got up to use the bathroom and came back and didn't sit with him, and he looked mad so I sat with him again. He hinted on asking me out and I didn't say anything and then caved in finally after being way drunk again another time. (thanks to him getting me drunk) They will do all the work if thats what it takes. Some other ISTps I went to school with would approach me with, 'can I have a hug?'- (NO!) lol. One that I heard liked me stayed in touch with me over myspace for like 4 years after I moved. And then I get hit on by ones that look like each other sometimes at the grocery store. Those dudes will make it a priority to wish you a good day on your way out! And ask for your number. -- Anonymous
A11 See it's ungracious, immature girls like you A10 that these poor boys get too scared to fall for girls and struggle with their confidence. At the same time I think that it is better for ISTp types to go for something they want than to regret not taking a chance later, even though past trials are less than pretty. And who knows? Maybe you'll step out of your comfort zone and think "Heeeeyyy! this isn't so bad after all!" -- Anonymous
A12 Like A5 said, playing hard to get is our natural game. We're usually not even playing. In my experience, the Extroverted Feeling types have difficulty figuring us out, so they try harder, dropping cues all over the place. ISTP reaction to this: probably none, so they try even harder, slowly(and I mean REALLY slow) getting reaction from us. -- Anonymous
A13 As an ISTp, I've come to the conclusion that once we actually pick up on the "I like you" cue, we over-analyze it and/or try to attribute it to some other reason. So you'll probably have to be pretty straitforward, and even after being straitforward be patient, cause us ISTp's need time to think and process stuff like that. -- :)
A14 I have a boyfriend. and although i am a faithful and loyal girlfriend, theres this guy that i really like. hes an istp and has an amazing personality. i wish we connected sooner. maybee in the future. thanks for all the advice -- estp.
A15 A14, maybe tha fact that you have a boyfriend is important here. Maybe an istp wouldn't connect so easily knowing the other person is single and couldn't be sure of their intentions. The possibility of undefined relations could be frightening to an istp. That is my amateur observance, of course -- in*j
A16 theISTp is full of fear as regards emotion..a big walon their hears. They are commitment phobestothe extreme..butreally sweet"inside"and full of intense emotions,that they just havnt a clue what to do wit basically,they use their magnetic attraction(which they undoubtedly have!)..actions speak louder than words..if they like you...they will act as if they dont sometimes..mysterious is an understatement..enigmatic -- Anonymous
A17 I met an ISTP over 8 months ago. All of these opinions are DEAD ON!! I've always been a fan of the "Newness" stage. But this "Newness" stage lasted WAY TOO LONG for my liking. However, I fell in love with him in the meantime. And well, after you realize you love someone; you wait. And boy,...did it take TIME!!! So SLOW and almost calculated with his feelings! I would sit there and scratch my head thinking to myself "Self? Just WHY will this dude come over and stay and stay and stay and help me with fixing up my house.....but NEVER TRY ANYTHING?!?!" It frustrated me big time! We became very good friends, and alas we got close enough for him to tell me that he wanted to "wait until we were in love" before......"going there." Yes, dealing with an ISTP man takes PATIENCE!!! And dealing with Unresponsiveness! Some friends would think I was crazy when I would just "tell" them the situation. They thought he just "wasn't that into me." But until they actually SAW us together, and how we interacted(almost fed off eachother and were always laughing and laughing) did their tune change. My ISTP friend left 3 months ago for work. He will be back at the end of this week! I cannot wait to see him, but I feel that I shouldn't come across that way to him. They take a TON of time to process! My question: Are they CAPABLE of a REAL relationship where things aren't weird?? And it FINALLY feels natural where you don't have to play so many things off, in order to NOT scare them off?? I've NEVER dealt with a man that TOOK this long to decide what he wants? ALWAYS very respectful (to a fault;), got very close mentally (told me things he said hes never told anyone), and it appears that we are two separate halfs of a whole while together. BUT,....I can't fathom how long its taken to get him to be comfortable!! And now that hes been gone for almost 3 months (talked here and there on the phone and always had a blast), I'm anticipating his return. If anything, he was my BFF. haha. He made a tone of references about the future "when he gets back." But during this time......he went from telling me he missed me back via text,.....to slowly distancing himself. At one point we didn't have communication for two weeks. I'm an ENFP to the MAX!!! And after doing some research, I learned that an ENFP and an ISTP are a match of "duality." It makes COMPLETE SENSE to me now. It was a wacky puzzle before! hahahaha!! However, BECAUSE hes not HERE physically, I've felt like less of a priority. I keep telling myself to remember ALL of the "moments" we had before he left, and just HOPE things pick back up where they were left in February. But I'm a smart girl. I know I can't keep up with someone that will SHOW me in weirdo ways that he cares, but not committ in his own head, for that much longer(and I dont mean not committ; like theres someone else. He's anything but a player or a ladies man). Am I crazy for thinking he's IT for me?? I've never felt this way about someone. I know I just have to WAIT until he gets back to know for sure. But......MY GOSH!!! Wouldn't he WANT to solidify SOMETHING, ANYTHING during his absence?! He's so elusive that I find MYSELF mirroring him. Thoughts??? Advice??? Thoughts??? Advice??? Thanks! -- ENFP
A18 Good grief you are hooked. I don't have any advice, except to suggest you keep droping hints for the dope. We are pretty slow on the up-take. Keep the hints subtle, and eventually he will get it. Expect down-time periodically. ISTPs are Fall weather, Sunny most days with occasional frost. That will pass. -- Anonymous
A19 Dear A17... I just love you! I'm an ISTP woman and I'm pretty sure I fell for an ISTP or ESTP man I met on a flight two weeks. I feel exactly like you, but being a fellow ISTP I am incapabe of moving forward or figuring out how he feels. And then I think, oh $h!t, what if he's thinking the same way I am? What if he's not? Then I'll feel like a fool and retreat for the next 6 months!!! Aargh. My hats off to all of you who date us ISTPs! We feel so much, so deeply, despite the veneer of indifference...just can't break out of our protective shells easily. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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