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Question #1225325919Thursday, 30-Oct-2008
Category: INFp Marriage
What do INFPs look for in marriage? I've heard INFPs have the hardest time in intimate/romantic relationships than any other type, and I wanted to explore why. I'm an INFP/INTP and have been married for a little over a year. We've had our ups and downs, and one problem is that I've been really fickle about the idea of marriage. I never really saw myself married, but at the same time I think my husband is really great for me. I think part of the problem is I don't even know what I'm looking for in marriage. I'm not in it for romance really (because my expectations are unrealistic) like most people, or security (like SJs). So complicated INFPs out there, what is it that you value about marriage? -- INFP is me
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Not married yet, but I've had some time to think about it (and tone down my idealistic views). As an INFP, right now I think the best way to deal with a relationship is to not expect anything. This is because I usually don't have that many expectations, but the ones I do have are WAY TOO HIGH for anyone to meet and make me see all the faults instead of having a good time. My difficulty with marriage is that I've always struggled with the boundaries between acquantainces, friends, best friends, and more than friends. To me, friendship is supposed to be close, deep, personal, and meaningful, and often there is no difference between a friendship and a relationship in my eyes. Romance, the heat of the moment, and emotional commitment aren't as important to me because they wither away sooner or later. Usually sooner for me. What I think is important is if 5-10 years later you can still talk to, laugh with, and enjoy your spouse's company. That way, I'll be reminded not to put too much stress on temporary problems (that last maybe 1 week to 2 months). In marriage, I'm most fearful that I'll lose the ability to have fun with my spouse or that the spouse will pressure me with too much expectation. I don't know if that's common in INFPs, but I thought I'd throw it out there. -- an_INFP
A2 Wow. Exactly my thoughts. Not married yet too. Have a lot of relationships which never work out. Dated various types, sigh, all lead to failure due to idealism. I have problems with boundaries too. -- INFP F
A3 I agree with the above, I am not married nor have I been in many relationships. I agree, it is hard for me to draw those boundary lines between friends and more than friends also. I choose who I spend my time with very carefully and so I dearly love all the people I spend time with. All of that love (which we INFPs experience so intensely) just wants to shine out in any relationship. In a marriage I am looking for someone who will be my best friend. Someone I can confide in and share all of my adventures and idealic ideas and he will support me. I want to do the same for him. We will be partners in this life and there will be that unspoken agreement that we will have each others' back. We will be witnesses to the other person's existance and love them for what makes them...them. -- Sam
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A4 Wow...I wasn't sure about being an "INFP" until I read everything above. I'm not married but have been in several long relationships that didn't end up working out because I couldn't bring myself to accept anything less than a best friend as a spouse. Love A3 description of "unspoken agreement to have each other's back". Does anyone else seem to have difficulty making meaningful relationships with would be in laws? -- newbie
A5 Everything I've read from your posts makes me nod and laugh every time. Everything you've said are so so true with the kind of lifestyle I have. I like to meet different people and I get too excited every time I talk to somebody new, because I know I will learn a lot from them. However, unlike other people, whose reason for socializing (for single men and women) is for a possible relationship or romance, which is so not part of my intention. I have many friends, and I have friends who tried to have a romantic relationship with me but I don't ee the point. I am single and I have been for a while. I just never needed a a romantic relationship, I think it's the start point of all possible problems. Companionship is better I think; the word commitment is a threat to me. It's like marrying yourself to rules, pressure and not being able to be free and be yourself. I think as long as you have trust and respect, everything will be okay. Love is unlselfish romance is -- Jed
A6 Hmm, this question looks so familiar i think i may have actually written it a couple years ago. Anyway- it looks like there is a common thread w/ INFPs. I get the whole 'pressure to commit' thing. I think that's the biggest hang up for INFPs "why would I commit to anything less than perfect?" INFPs in general don't have much resolve either.... especially when it comes to such important things to them (intimacy, love) -- Anonymous
A7 Something special with your best friend that will last forever. Sorry for the excessive cheese, but that's what I think. I don't think INFp's have too much trouble with idealism either, all they need is another INFp, in my opinion. -- Simon the INFp
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