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| Question #1219077889 | Monday, 18-Aug-2008 |
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| Hello there ISTPs, I'm an ENFP female and I'm dating an ISTP guy (I'm also new to socionics so I have a whoooole lotta questions). We get on very well, I love his humour, it's as sick, twisted and full of fun teasing as mine is. On the surface and to outside viewers we look like we're two very different people, which we are, but underlying this there's a deep connection, earning us the observation from our friends that we're yin and yang. We've already had the initial burst of him hurting me, where he pushed me away but then asked for a second chance which I gave him. We're taking it slow again and I already feel much more in tune with him but I am a little scared still... However, my question is that we're both reasonably young, 20 and he has never been in love before and never had a relationship that lasted past 4 months. He said in a very very personal conversation that he wants me to be that girl for him - I very much want to be that girl for him and I'm willing to take it calm and slow, and although I'm naturally quite affectionate and adoring and I do just wanna burst out with "You're so gorgeous" 24/7 he's helped me to tone down my constant need for attention and return of affections and I've managed to bring him out of his shell a little bit. Am I on the right track? I'm not here to definately conquer him and I'm very aware I can't just make him fall in love with me, but been through a bit of a rough patch and I finally feel stable with this guy - as in, this is the person I WANT to be stable with. He freaked out about things being "too intense" once and when he came back to me he said I had done nothing wrong or been too clingy, it was all him. This of course makes me feel a little out of control because if it's all him freaking out what on earth could I do!? Some of you now may or may not agree with this, I had my tarot read for the first time the other day (which I of course take with a pinch of salt, I see it more as spiritual counselling than actual psychic definative proof...plus I was curious ^_^) and the lady was very neutral about our relationship which came up a lot. She said there was very positive energy around it but there was going to be some chaos coming up...that he may get possessive about me, or move to be closer to me - I think we're too young and it's too soon for confessions of undying love - is this ringing true of any Istp behaviour? There's only so much I can read about it but not being one myself I'm curious to hear from you. I think Istp's are great, it is the type of opposite that I really enjoy being around...which lead me to solidify my confidence that I am an Enfp and not an Enfj, although I harbour a whole bunch of their characteristics...which is weird but their opposite attraction of Istj's are not my type at all, physically and characteristically. Right... I've done a whole lot of typing/talking and for some reason I can hear Maury yelling very very loudly on the tv downstairs...what on earth is going on!?...over to you! -- Storm (Enfp) |
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| A11 A9, no, I am not encouraging anyone to accept verbal abuse from ISTp's! No at all! I don't know if you saw I also said that if you have a problem with an ISTp (including verbal abuse! Which is more like a major issue!) then you must tell them about it, and most often, an ISTp will stop. If not, I'd quit the relationship! What I was saying is that, because ENFp's use Intuition when they listen to people, they mostly often pick up on what people are really trying to say, and they can use this to their advantage and self-improvement. Like if someone doesn't laugh at your joke, it either means that it's not funny or it's offensive, etc, so you shouldn't use that particular joke again. Learning things like this is kinda important to me, and especially learning things from an ISTp because i've learnt that they always (or very often - you know yourself) speak the truth and they might tell you something offensive (like anybody can) but when you listen to what they say, it can actually change your character for the better. They tend to be able to get right down to the cause! I feel other personality types can me, but not to that extent. This is probably my perspective because I'm an ENFp and ISTp's are my duals, so no offence to other types. But if an ISTp was horrible to me for no reason I wouldn't be his friend. That's just not right. But I can't imagine them doing that though! But yes, if someone's dating someone who's not treating them with respect by bringing them down all the time to crush them, i'd say break up! Unless you're married. But that's another story. -- A8 |
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A12 Hey A9. Sorry if i sounded angry in my last message. Yea, i guess what u were saying is very true, we shouldn't accept anything mean from an ISTp. I guess their "hidden agenda" IS "to love", so if they're being ugly to their duals, it can b quite hurtful! But, ya, only just met this ISTp guy, so it might take a while to get used to this personality. So thanks for explaining that to me! And for Storm, all the best, just keep motivated!  What u'r going thro is natural, just keep on at it and do ur best! Hope it's going well hey. -- A8 |
| A13 ISTp is my Supervisor, but ISTp women like me a lot at first. Here's why: It's very important with ISTps to control the psychological distance between you and the ISTp. Learn to understand and control psychological space with an ISTp. ISTps have an ideal "range" they prefer to work from, and it's quite long (probably a lot longer than INTjs, TBH). Furthermore, they are pretty good at getting away from you and staying away if they require it. Ignoring you is the first choice but hurting you is a useful tool to drive you away, too, right?! I don't really know why they are like this, but it's a fact so you have to work with them. ISTps like me at first, again, because I space things out. At first, I do not attempt to close the distance. They love this. I do nonsense like not call or write back for a set amount of time. I do this, not because they are ISTps, but with any new girl in order to avoid seeming overinterested or desperate. But ISTps love it, because they are not looking to close the distance with you. Being fickle and ignoring someone you are interested in will drive an ENTj like me insane, but this really works on ISTps. They will even admit as much. But, WARNING: when things have gone on well for awhile, I start moving closer because I want to. This is when everything starts to go wrong and the ISTp (in my opinion) really starts to suck. Of course, in ISTp eyes, I start making a ton of infuriating "mistakes" when I try to do this. They really do not react well to being asked what the relationship status is, or what they want in the longer term. So don't be overeager to do those things, because they are going to start pushing you away and rejecting you, often. They will not try to shut you out completely, but they will shut you down whenever they feel like they need to. Usually this ends quite badly for me, as romantic relations of Supervison do. If you are an ENFp, though, you have the edge with ISTps. Good for you, because ISTps are cool in their way. Read your ISTp, and try to figure out exactly how much psychological distance they are aiming for. Learn when they are signalling to you that you are getting too "close". Be more deliberate and methodical about spacing the two of you out when it comes to dates, communication, etc. Be spontaneous in a romantic sense, but don't impulsively share your feelings because they may view this as pressure to get them to disclose theirs even if this is not the case. They won't like that, unless they are really, really ready, and it was their decision. Finally, ISTp body language can tell you so much that asking them questions or trying to force points using conventional means of communication becomes pointless. Just read their body language. It helps. -- ENTj |
| A14 You might be better off just being friends with him, since you are already feeling pressured to tone down your natural enthusiasm around him. While both of you will grow and benefit from understanding one another, the intimacy of a love relationship might prove to difficult. I know, because as an enfp I have been with an istp for over 15 years! Persons can grow, but personality rarely if ever change. Be and love yourself first! -- Anonymous |
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