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Question #1133197789Monday, 28-Nov-2005
Category: ENFp ENTj Relationship Advice
I'm an ENFP who is locked in a relation of benefit with an ENTJ. It has become increasingly distressing for me, because he insists on having a closer relationship with me than I would like. I would like to be friendly with him, but his level of attention is too much. He makes a point of expressing his admiration of me (typically when he's drunk, but not always) in terms that are excessive. It's extremely embarrassing when he does this in front of people. In fact, I've often had the urge to hit him even though he's supposedly paying me a compliment. I've tried to explain to him that he overvalues my opinion. He says he realizes this, but then he just begins to sulk and whine. He is constantly trying to get me to go out to dinner with him, just the two of us. I did once, but the conversation was so tedious and stressful - in a way that I can't really explain - that I've never knowingly agreed to do this again. I say knowingly because a group of our friends were supposed to go out for dinner one night this week, and he conveniently forgot to call everyone else. There I was, forced to have dinner with just him, and I felt trapped. While I am a very social person, I sometimes need to take a break from going out. When that happens I like to stay at home and be myself. He cannot accept this and will just invite himself over to my place. He is friends with my roommates, but his main interest is in seeing me. He will knock on my bedroom door even though my roommates have told him that I'm asleep. In those instances, I've barely been able to contain my hostility. If I happen to not be in bed, I simply refuse to leave my room. He then says that I'm being rude and not treating him like a "human being." He always makes a point of telling me how is interest in me is not sexual, which of course lets me know that his interest is very much sexual, at least in part. Needless to say, I am not in the least bit physically attracted to him. I resent the way he uses feelings of guilt and deceit to make me do what he wants. He doesn't dare yell at me. He did once, and we didn't speak for quite some time. Although, oddly, I was the one who apologized to him even though I felt I was the one owed the apology. This is something that I often feel I have to do and not just with him. I also realize now that my best friend in high school (Linda) was also probably an ENTJ. That relationship had nothing like the intensity of this one. I was painfully shy then, and I needed her desperately. Now, however, I'm older and much more confident. I think the evidence of this comes from the fact that as shy as I was in high school, I initiated contact with Linda. This newer ENTJ initiated contact with me. I know this entire situation must seem so strange and comical, but I really am becoming more and more upset. I like him. He's funny and outgoing, but he's really beginning to get on my nerves. I also don't think that he's really cares about me. He is physically demonstrative, but his touch always seems somehow aggressive. Consequently, people tend too avoid being touched by him; it's like he's trying to claim you or something. He's always losing his temper and yelling at someone, yet I know that he wishes he were more popular. I use the word popularity because it's not real friendship that he seems to want. In short, he need help, but I can't be the one to give it to him. What are the best tactics available for a benefactor who wants to dissuade an overeager beneficiary witout being too offensive? -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Relations of Benefit or not, there is a very simple solution to your lengthy problem! Change your roommates or change your accommodation altogether. This way YOU will be in control of how often you see him, IF you want to continue seeing him at all... -- Dr. Zoidberg
A2 I'm friends with one ENTJ and I observed, that he never 'gets' fired, but goes on his own decision. You should upset him somehow (bear in mind, that splitting is always painful), e.g. find another boyfriend, and when he tries to rival, show him clearly, that the new guy is preferred more. good luck! but think of the way to make it least onerously -- Tr
A3 Leave. It took me a while to "dumb" my ENTJ friend. They seem like friends, but after a closer inspection of the relation of benefit, you are just being drained in the long term. Abort! Abandon ship! Flee! Be the crazy 'P' that you are! -- Jake
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A4 As an ENTJ, I would recommend that you just be straight forward with him. Get him to agree to be quiet long enough for you to state everything that you typed above, and let him have it. I prefer a good straight forward conversation, especially if it's regarding something I need to work on. He'll appreciate that much more than some of the other suggestions above, and will be less likely to respond in the harsh manner you've noted if you just hit him with it straight up. -- BD
A5 You're letting the asymmetrical nature of the relationship of benefit go to your head. Fact is, ENTjs can spot ENFps weak point. No, we can't communicate it to you in terms you understand, and yes, you ostensibly have something we want, but the fact is - and I quote - you want "tactics available to a benefactor to dissuade an overeager beneficiary without being too offensive." Consider who you're dealing with here. ENTjs, more likely than not, are offensive. We're offensive because we don't respect boundaries others don't have the guts to enforce. If you won't assert your feelings and set limits, we won't get it. Own up to your own weakness here, and deal with it. I've gotten locked into a couple of dysfunctional relationships with ENFps - we're drawn to the asymmetry of it because we're so enthralled by the question, "How will this benefit me?" - and it's always the same problem. Get with the program. -- ENTj
A6 Haven't really read much of the replies but you need to make a stand. Tell him clearly and calmly that his behaviour is making you very uncomfortable. Tell some of your closer roomates how you feel, and that you desire to be left alone. Tell him if you continue to feel harassed you will speak to the police. Tell him this is not a course of action you desire and that he has the opportunity to keep his physical and psychological distance. Do not get a boyfriend on the account of this entj get a boyfriend for yourself -- ISTp
A7 silly NF's, "dissuade an overeager beneficiary witout being too offensive?" honestly I hate ENTJs, they're freggin evil and want to just chew people up and spit them out. haha I guess I can relate to bad experiences with ENTJs, sorry to you random ENTJs who read this. But anyways, in dealing with the ENTJ I was just outright offensive, and since I can kick his butt that was the end of it and he never spoke to me again. -INTX -- Anonymous
A8 purely on the N_P note [consulting toward this]. watch yourselves opposition. i have got into a few relations which were not healthy. the way i see it...the psychology which 'understeered' me toward forming those 'freindships' where based on a 'policy view' of how i would govern myself in the freindship...i.e. i would see only X-interactions as necassitive and beneficary... but, these idiots never had the same policy views governing themselves. As such, i formed a two fold opinion set in hindsight. If i can see, and u can't see, i won't allow u to do anything. the second tends toward violence...for it costs me, not u. (goodluck Anon poster, only 2 things u can gain...a better strategy set, and the end of this specific instance) -- @sirac
A9 I don't think his behavior is because he is ENTj. He is just plain rude and doesn't know how to behave. If there is a chance that he is using your NF, maybe you can only reach him in a way, where youre not like yourself. If you think it is really worth a try, you could try the following: tell him off, things like that he is behaving absolutely intolerable, that he isnt respecting you. Dont formulate anything that could be taken as a justification from you, because this is where he probably sinks his teeth in and pulls away your ground of standing. No words about how you FEEL, just how impossible he ACTS, just the cold facts, clear unemotional speech, even if it hurts you inside. Try to stay calm and reasonable though and dont show how it affects you. That nearly impossible for an NF, I as an NF did it once at work with a coworker for some professional difference and needed a two week holiday after that... I dont know if such strategy works for friendship. Maybe you should think about to even end the friendship if he doesnt see your point no matter in what way you try to tell him. I think it is a problem for many men to accept that a woman is not interested in being more than just friends, regardless of those mens types, but men have to get over it and still be gentlemen and it is sure no excuse for such behavior. -- Anonymous
A10 I'm an ENTj who, I'm sorry to say, was like the ENTj in your story. Nothing short of cutting off all contact will break his obsession. Pursuing what you want for extended periods of time is something ENTj's are good at. Most of what I have I've gotten through sheer persistence. He will NEVER go away. If cutting off all contact is not possible, try being more hostile. I know its difficult for you ENFp's to inflict emotional harm, but really your going to have to burn him if you want him to go away -- Obsessive ENTj
A11 He's obviously VERY into you, and you're obviouly not into him. Why not just say as much straight up, rather than flaking out, playing games, and engaging in passive-aggressive bull****, in hopes he magically gets the hints you're not even giving? -- An ENTJ
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