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Question #1125527157Wednesday, 31-Aug-2005
Category: Advice Relationship Intertype Relations
I am a female age 35 (ENFJ) dating a male (ISTJ), age 46. He is a homicide detective, works security, and raises a teenage daughter. We rarely get to see each other and when we do it is brief, late, and mostly for sex. I am frustrated with the lack of communication on a daily basis but do realize he is, by nature, very committed to his responsibilities. I long to spend more time with him and to do different activities together. A few years ago he got engaged but broke it off. I don't want to throw my heart into a relationship that will be lonely for me, yet when i tell him how i feel, he says that this is just how life is right now and he can't change it. He says we will just have to work things out and see each other when we can. It has been 4 months and I am growing a little weary. He is of a different calibur of quality than i have been exposed to (I was married for 15 years, and divorced for 6 months) and I just wonder if I am expecting too much but settling for too little. Do you have any suggestions for me? Kate -- Kate
Your Answers: 1+
A1 You are two separate people with separate needs. Just because you are duals does not mean that all of your problems will be answered through a relationship. That isn't how it works. You also need ideal circumstances or context for your relationship to flourish in. Unfortunately, Socionics cannot give you all of the answers. What you want, and we all want, is to be taken to that ideal place where everything is perfect and our past mistakes never haunt us- but that isn't going to happen. If you feel a strong attachment to this person then hang on until things change, or someone better comes along. Otherwise, get out and start looking for someone else while there is still time! -- Anonymous
A2 I am not a therapist, but it sounds like you are just a relief for his male urges. -- econdude
A3 My marriage to a dual was terminated after 14 years by my extrovert partner due to, as she said, "a lack of communication on a daily basis", although we got along well - no conflict. I found the comment rather odd because she never seemed to stop talking, and getting a word in was difficult. -- Lee
A4 Agree with econdude. "We rarely get to see each other and when we do it is brief, late, and mostly for sex" -- this is a classic booty call. When one is in doubt, judge not by a man's words, but his actions. IMO, that's how some of the common "confusions" can be cleared up in romantic relationships if people just pay less attention to words/justifications/promises and the whole gamut; and rely more on actions. Last but not least, if an arrangment has been working particularly fine for you, would you trouble yourself to change it? Think about it. -- Anonymous
A5 A homicide detective...Lucky girl. I would have never thought, when I was younger, that I would go for these types (I'm an ENFJ), but after working through my SP (ES switching over to IS) days melancholics are so very attractive. -- Tracy ENFJ
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A6 ISTJ's show love rather than expressing it, for the most part. You have to watch their actions and interpret them which should be plausible for someone with introverted intuition and thinking, like yourself. In fact you take in information by what it means about you intuitively which is very strong and you arrange your life by analyzing events. Good luck. -- Tracy ENFJ
A7 If you dont want to ever be a relief for male urges then you had better not date guardians. The therapist posting is projecting his ESTP estroverted sensory dual into the situation. -- Tracy ENFJ
A8 Also this man's limited availability speaks volumes about his commitment to his daughter which is very noble in guardian fashion and should be admired. If you cannot admire this trait then you might negatively impact this man's daughters life and may not really be in a position, yet, to be dating and certainly not someone with a child. -- Tracy ENFJ
A9 1. Anyone can analyze events that concern his/her life. 2. Poster A2 is an INTj and A4 is an INFj. Their duals are ESFj and ESTj respectively. 3. No one needs to self-abnegate when it comes to relationships. 4. If a person is serious enough about you and cannot bear to lose you, s/he will do something to keep you. Otherwise you are not in the top of their "priority list". -- Anonymous
A10 posts of this kind always makes me think the posters just want to get responses they want. no offence, but do you geniunely think that we can tell you what to do when we do not know much about the situation? we haven't even heard the guy's side of the story! only you can tell how things are going. if you feel too blinded by your feelings, ask those that are close to you and the guy what they see and what they think. and ask the objective ones. my guess is, you're doing that already. good luck! -- an entp.
A11 My enfj opinion is that it's always a booty call if nothing else blossoms within the relationship. Our opposites are exciting, but I have met my perfect and life long mate - another enfj. Booty call plus compassion, sharing, and feeling -- ditzybabe
A12 ISTjs have very low demands for their relationships, in terms of companionship, compared to most. Loyalty, respect, and appreciation from their partner is sufficient. Common interests, pursuing activities together, baring your souls ~ these are not basic needs for them, so they do not seek it. This does not necessarily mean ISTj doesn't LOVE their partner. They can require MUCH repeated talking to before they understand your desires and how you experience love and intimacy. It is different than what they desire. So, you must repeatedly convey to your partner how you feel about his behavior, and also consider that he is acting on HIS preferences as well when he decides to work extra, etc. It will be up to you to suggest mutual activity - e.g., he may be receptive to pursuing a sporting activity together. Don't expect a total turnaround, but you may find a middle zone of compromise over time. An ISTj who truly cares for you will make the efforts over time to please the one they care for, once they comprehend your feelings and its implications for the relationship. Hopefully he doesn't realize how badly you're hurting until you end it, as that's VERY possible. ISTjs can "learn too late." ISTjs are slow at discerning these kinds of things and letting them sink deep, even after repeated, overt expression. But that's probably good for them, to some extent, as ISTjs can be HUGE people-pleasers (servers by nature) for those whom they respect. They can get so wrapped up in "what's required" of them that they easily overwork (and yet seem to enjoy it, even if they complain). ISTjs need to learn how to draw proper boundaries between responsibility and genuine play + comradery. Also, if you ask an ISTj how they feel about x y or z, and it is a subject of EMOTIONAL import, they tend not to be quick to respond and are often initially unsure or confused (even apathetic). Don't hold this against them. Their hearts can be a mystery to themselves, and so no wonder their partners also feel lonely. As someone else already mentioned, ISTjs SHOW love through loyalty and actions (especially serving) rather than expressing it in more overt ways, viewing the concept in terms of making a decision to love and being responsible to it. So appeal to his sense of responsibility. They also need a LOT of ongoing affirmation, more than others! And ISTjs are especially vulnerable to not only anger, but bottling anger until it turns into resentment. Relationship communication is not their forte. By the way, I disagree with the comment about being (consciously) used for sex, and some (assuming innocence here) would get very angry at such an accusation. ISTjs especially can make the common mistake equating sex with establishing intimacy, rather than the consummation of it. And actually, ISTjs tend to have very low sex drives. His low drive will probably manifest within a year or less. Personally, I recommend not giving yourself to someone in this way prior to marriage because the emotional entanglement clouds the real character of a relationship so one can gauge its potential for serious commitment. Attraction is easy to find and sex is not hard to master. Work on the real partnership first. -- blahblahblah
A13 I don't think you need Socionics for this one. Is the relationship making you happy? Is it adding to your life? Remember that if a guy is really into you, he'll make time for you. Sure, give him a chance to decide how into he is but in the meantime get out there and do absolutely everything you love to do. And don't overcommitt your heart to him until YOU have decided if HE is good enough for you! Let him know that you're not superavailable to him all the time and see if he comes after you. Good luck (ENFp woman). -- Anonymous
A14 Get rid of him. Man-whores are worthless. -- Jadae
A15 Agreed, rent-a-hoe’s are great but duals are better. Just remember the more time you spend with him the more hooked you get. Choose carefully. A dual doesn’t mean we will never have a problem or get divorced. I wish it were this way, the magic pill you know that would be great. You both have a collection of experiences that is baggage both emotional and literal. Don’t over overlook the literal stuff, like you have 5 kids and expect him to support you, are a drug addict or weigh 300 pounds. He is likely being cautious and not letting you get too close. And he does like to keep himself busy. He does not want to make the same mistake again. You don't want to throw your heart into a relationship that will be lonely for you so find out what he is going to do with all that vacation time he’s got, cops get tons of vacation time. Just a tip. -- tom
A16 I'll have him! -- ESTJ Female
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