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  #1  
Old 11/06/2010, 10:46 PM
Jacqui Jacqui is offline
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Default ENTP INFJ relationship

I'm an entp female who recently got involved with a infj male, whilst we are happy i find his need to point out my 'flaws' and put me in boxes to understand me a constant battle. for example he is obsessed with calling me a narcissist and saying i having narcissistic personality disorder. When i try to explain that its not nice to constantly hear from him that i have npd he insists this isn't a problem and that we are together so he can help me as i need teaching. then i try to explain that everyone at our age has a lot to learn he just cant seem to grasp that he could learn from me and that he's not always 100% right. i don't need him to acknowledge these things exactly, i just need him to acknowledge the possibility. Anyone else have this problem? Can it work longterm?
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Old 12/06/2010, 02:17 PM
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Yep, sounds like Relations of Supervision. Supervisor just cant help but criticise HA/PoLR of Supervisee.
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Old 12/06/2010, 08:33 PM
ENTroP ENTroP is offline
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Yea... If he is telling you that you have narcissistic personality disorder, there are two (of many other possible, here are the main ones) possibilities:

1.) You have narcissitic personality disorder

2.) He's an insecure, uptight control freak, who wants to put you down.

I suggest some counseling and a professional opinion.
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Old 12/06/2010, 10:09 PM
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I dont think you have a narcissistic disorder, just two very different hidden agendas. So an INFj who wants to be healthy and does not want to portray themselves assertively or aggressively whom is very modest, priorities values very differently to an ENTp who wants euphoria[!!!] and love, and thus will come up with big ideas and have a strong desire to entertain.
Yet the ENTp can't help but be very aware of what the INFj thinks of them and may seek their validation; which is certainly not a good way to go when their needs differ to such an extent.
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Old 13/06/2010, 10:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goldgoldgold View Post
Yet the ENTp can't help but be very aware of what the INFj thinks of them and may seek their validation; which is certainly not a good way to go when their needs differ to such an extent.
This ^^^. Restrain yourself from seeking approval from your Supervisor, it is a death trap
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Old 13/06/2010, 05:00 PM
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This ^^^. Restrain yourself from seeking approval from your Supervisor, it is a death trap
But...but...I want you to like me...
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Old 14/06/2010, 05:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stanprollyright View Post
But...but...I want you to like me...
But you do this and then you expect this? Don't you think you could be...?
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Old 15/06/2010, 02:06 PM
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Well, if your INFj doesn't think he has anything to learn from you then he is a far less mature person than he thinks he is. No matter what a persons age, we all become complacent in our own perspectives and our vision can become myopic unless we learn to see through the eyes of another who is significantly different from us. Relationships are about growing together as we learn to adapt to the other person.


I have been married for ten years to an INTj who started out really trying to make me over. It was always me who needed to learn from him even though all his faults were so obvious to me. But he has long since grown past that now. He was really just insecure at first and was hoping that I wouldn't notice his faults as long as he kept pointing the finger at me. I think he imagined at first that the fact that I couldn't see his flaws very well was evident in the fact that I obviously loved him. It was hard for him to accept that I could see him for what he truly was and still love him. But now we have found that as we have learned from each other that has brought us so much closer to each other.

I have no way of knowing if your situation bears even the slightest resemblence to mine. But I do know that both people in a relationship must be willing to learn from each other if they are to create a truly strong bond with each other. True intimacy requires the meeting of equals. A student-pupil relationship will only go so far.
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Old 15/06/2010, 06:12 PM
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Great post Willow, it all but esp the first paragraph, well it all. Thank you for posting it.

I guess I have a soft spot for an INFj or an ENFp who also has such a cool perspective. Your post was...humbling for me - in what to me is good way
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Old 15/06/2010, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
Great post Willow, it all but esp the first paragraph, well it all. Thank you for posting it.

I guess I have a soft spot for an INFj or an ENFp who also has such a cool perspective. Your post was...humbling for me - in what to me is good way
Why, thank you.
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Old 15/06/2010, 11:22 PM
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Can the supervisor criticize the supervisee aggressively? Or will the criticism be always said in a calm way?
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Old 16/06/2010, 02:28 PM
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I was thinking about that too.
I dont think the supervisor means to criticise, it's just the way the cognitives are laid out when the supervisor uses them the supervisee's strengths just cant match up to them. So basically the supervisor is constantly engaging with the supervisee's weakness.
I'm tryna think of an analogy...
YEAH say there's an object doing very impressive things... say... a computer! And a computer can do calculations send messages across the world etc. But the supervisor cares for the aesthetics instead of the pure functions of the computer. So despite the fact the computer is doing very impressive things the supervisor is concerned and is best at aesthetics, so the computer will always be judged, by the supervisor, by it's aesthetics, and not whether it is performing to it's best potential, regardless of the fact the aesthetics aren't it's natural strengths, and it is doing impressive things with the things that are it's strengths...
So there's two different perspectives, and they clash in such a way.
Does that make sense? Is that right?
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  #13  
Old 16/06/2010, 06:23 PM
Jacqui Jacqui is offline
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Default ...

thanks, this does help.

One thing i have noticed is that he seems to project his 'flaws' onto me. My best friend who is INTP has little patience for him, although they do get on.
he's also got into his head that he is a genius and therefore his opinion is fact.

however i have made some progress, if you like, Willow it does sound a lot like your situation and i hope he grows up instead of telling me too.

as for aggressive criticism i think it can be perceived as aggressive whether or not it was meant that way (which mostly i think it is not.)

a big difference is that i think he overestimates himself ( i can't think how else to put this) whereas i underestimate myself. my weaknesses are very obvious to me and i don't appreciate them being constantly pointed out, yet as mentioned i do care what he thinks of me, which he certainly uses to his advantage and loves to point out.

this probably sounds like i'm unhappy but believe me i'm far from it. maybe i should also mention that for both of us this is our first 'proper' relationship. and a big adjustment for me to share myself with him, which he never seems to think is quite enough.
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