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Old 18/04/2011, 01:56 PM
Syndil Syndil is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Excellent reply, Kittykat. Exactly the sort of insight I was looking for. Incidentally, you described pretty much to a "T" the relationship I have with my partner. Except that we are both aware of our shortcomings in regards to the other's needs, and are able to modify our behavior to keep things running smoothly. However it wasn't always so smooth. At times she would indeed feel that I was using her, and I would feel smothered. So kudos on that.

But while it may not be the easiest relationship to step into, it works quite well when both parties are understanding. Of course that probably holds true for any combination. However, I still feel I would have a hard time finding a sense of closeness with anyone other than an INFj. Based on personal experience, I'm reasonably confident that everyone I have been attracted to has indeed been an INFj, with only one exception: Another INTp. That was doomed to failure from the beginning, and we both knew it. We were too alike. We had conversations that were simultaneously fascinating and boring. Fascinating to find someone that thought about the same things we did, but boring in that we agreed on everything. Eventually it got to the point where there really was no point in talking about anything. And if we had stayed together we would have lived in absolute squalor.

With the INFj/INTp relationship I apparently have going on now (I have not asked her to test her type--she would find it offensive), as long as we both avoid behaviors that are known to annoy each other, we get along ridiculously well. I make an effort to keep certain chores done (she still does most of the work, and is happy to do so), she gives me my space--most of the time (I can't be too selfish in that regard). And if we do happen to let something slip, it's automatically forgiven before it even happens, because we know what makes each other tick. But more than that, we knew we would get along ridiculously well from the moment we met. It's like we started behaving as an old married couple from the beginning.

Now INTp to ESFp... To me that just seems like it would have to be a forced relationship in the beginning, perhaps very slow to mature, with either party likely to find little worth fighting for to preserve it. The thread a couple places down called "ESFp-INTp dualization" seems to bolster that argument, and I can see myself not wanting to put up with that thread's author any more than she apparently wants to tolerate an INTp.

All of this cumulatively makes me wonder if perhaps Keirsey was right about the complimentary relationship types, as opposed to the duality that seems to be held with high esteem here. After all, everyone agrees that for any relationship to work, there has to be some sort of mutual attraction. And I really don't think I've ever been attracted to an ESFp, nor would I be attracted to an S-anything. Keirsey says we should look for someone who matches N/S with ourselves, then the rest opposite from ourselves (although I'd say the I/E is not so important).

I'm not trying to come out and say anything is definitely wrong or right. Just thinking out loud, mostly.
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