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Question #1383002800Monday, 28-Oct-2013
Category: INTp Love Relationship Duality ESFp
INTps or ENTjs, could you please give me advice on this situation? I'm a 30-year-old ESFp woman and I have this 40-year-old INTp friend. We've known each other for 7 years but we've just chatted a couple of times. But I've seen him in various situations and he never did anything I'd dislike. A couple of months ago, we sort of noticed each other, started talking and gradually became friends. Problem is, I'm desperately in love with him. I've met quite a number of guys and none of them can hold a candle to this friend - he's mature, responsible, intelligent, kind-hearted, handsome, honest, modest, helpful, fun to be with... We have really similar values, interests, lifestyles and sense of humour. I'm honestly able to imagine never wanting any other guy all the rest of my life. It'd be no problem for me to keep building our friendship and seeing what happens, but he's looking for a wife and I'm scared he'll meet and choose someone else. What do you think - would it be better to tell him that I like him, or to just drop a hint, or to invite him out, or keep building the friendship...? What would you feel comfortable with? Any advice or insight would be much appreciated. Thank you. -- ESFp
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Hi friend, I'm an INTp on my good days. I would say use the friendship path to engage in conversation about what he (and you) are looking for in a relationship. I've found peace from asking these tough questions to sort out if there's a match. If there is anything more in the relationship talking about the details can make it a softer entry without all the rejection. Hope that helps. Sometimes our kind (intp) can be afraid or blind to our feelings ) -- Jason
A2 Hi Jason A1, that's interesting and really helps! I struggle a lot with the feeling that a conversation about what we're looking for in a relationship is an underhanded approach, as I've always had problems using any other "romantic strategy" than what could be called "frontal offensive". I'm determined to go by your advice now, though. What makes it difficult is that he's extremely private (even for an INTp) and we're not THAT good friends yet, plus I know his lifestyle and also what kind of family he wants, from links and videos he's been posting on Facebook, and I love them but am too shy to tell him that. The more I fall in love with him the less I'm able to talk to him in a normal, friendly way, which is killing the friendship because he prefers to leave it to me to start the conversations. He's easily discouraged from talking to me, too - for example, when I laugh at some other guy's jokes, he gets nervous and stops talking. Also (and that goes for all INTp friends) it's hard for me to tell when he's willing to chat and when he wants to be left alone. I can tell a lot from his facial expression but not this. If you happened to have any feedback on this it'd be much appreciated. At any rate, time will show. Thanks a lot for your help! -- ESFp
A3 Hello ESFp, If you share your thoughts with him he will share his thoughts. If you act too much like a friend to him, he will friendzone you. Probably he will want you to show him that you want to be more than a friend else he won't believe you are really attracted to him and hide his emotional feelings deep in. It can be hard to understand when someone is looking for a relationship deeper than friendship. -- Tommy(INTp)
A4 A3 thanks, much appreciated! -- ESFp
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A5 This is coming from someone (INTp) who has had a crush on an ESFp for seven years. And it all ended in heartbreak. My advice would be to ask him out and show him you like him but not neccesarily say it. He might also be afraid that you find someone else. Building relations with your dual takes time and patience. And if he gets nervous while you're laughing at other guys jokes it's pretty evident he likes you. -- INTp
A6 Hi A5, thanks for the support, and wish you better luck next time! And yeah, I know building a dual relationship takes time and patience - building the one with my best friend took 15 years You guys have been the greatest help I could get. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I deserve it, because I did the stupidest thing, which none of you advised me. Your advice helped, things were going great, it even turned out that we're able to co-operate really smoothly and communicate almost without words. So I wrote him an e-mail inviting him out, and I think he didn't understand it 'cause he replied that unfortunately, it's difficult for him to get to the city during the weekends (we see each other at an event that takes place once in a week in this city neither of us live in). He might, of course, have been suggesting that he simply doesn't want to go out with me, but knowing him, I'd say he misunderstood. And I was at a loss what to do so I wrote him another e-mail explaining that I invited him out because I like him, and because most things he did and said and shared on Facebook the past 6 months were nice and interesting (and I named a few examples) and made me happy, and because I enjoy his company, and so I thought we could meet outside the regular events we both visit. Originally, I'd just wanted to write something like that I enjoy his company but after the 6 months of suppressed emotions all this just poured out. Only after sending it I realized that I not only acted like a bulldozer, I made myself sound like "Big Brother is watching you", too. So I don't know if there's any relationship left to discuss Well, we'll see. -- ESFp
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