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Question #1326147521Monday, 9-Jan-2012
Category: ESTj INFj Love Attraction
Are ESTjs and INFjs really compatible? I am an INFj. There are a lot of things I admire about the ESTj's personality, and I could easily see myself being good friends with one; however, it seems like there would be a lot of conflicts in a romantic relationship. I truly respect how hard working ESTjs are and how they are loyal to their friends and family. Also, ESTjs amaze me with their self-discipline and ability to organize. There are a few pros I could see in a relationship between an ESTj and INFj. 1.) An INFj would let the ESTj lead. But INFjs are not push overs. I have very strong convictions about values and the people I care about and am willing to defend them. However, when it comes to the little day-to-day decisions, I just really don't care. I'm perfectly fine with letting someone else handle them, and I usually prefer it that way. 2.) An ESTj could provide stability. At work and school I put forth all my effort into projects, but I'm not very good at managing my time at home. I feel like I often waste my free time, and sometimes I won't even eat because it seems like too much effort to actually cook something. But I don't know if this is typical of INFjs or just me. This is where I could see an ESTjs discipline and organization bringing stability to an INFjs personal life. 3.) An INFj is able to understand and appreciate an ESTjs true self. ESTjs are often not good at expressing their emotions and can appear abrasive to other people. Fortunately, INFjs are good at reading between the lines. But there are also a few areas where I could possibly see conflict between an ESTj and an INFj in a relationship. 1.) The ESTj and INFj may become frustrated with one another at times because the other does not share their view point. ESTjs are sensory thinking. INFjs are intuitive feeling. An ESTj may look at a certain situation more logically, while an INFj may perceive it more emotionally. Even if partners understand where the other is coming from, the INFj may not be able to remove their feelings from the situation any more than the ESTj could abandon their logic. 2.) The ESTj may think the INFj is overemotional or too sensitive and could become frustrated that the INFj is not as structured. 3.) The INFj might feel that the ESTj can be controlling. Also, they may feel they cannot get as close to the ESTj as they would like because the ESTj is not as willing or able to engage them on an emotional level. That is my general observation about how these two pairs would get along in a romantic relationship. No one is perfect; you cannot expect to have a relationship with anyone without conflict arising. The question is do the pros outweigh the cons? Looking at the list, as an INFj I would say I would still be interested in having a relationship with an ESTj. However, aside from the list there is one major problem that makes me wonder if I could ever have a relationship with an ESTj without subjecting myself to more emotional pain than I’m willing to. I have often heard that ESTjs usually repress their emotions, but they can at times have angry/frustrated outbursts. Personally, I find that I sort of “absorb” the emotions of the people I’m close to. If my friend feels happy, I feel happy. If my friend feels sad, I feel sad. If my friend tells me someone mistreated them, I feel passionate—how dare they treat them that way! On the other side, sometimes the emotional state of the people I’m close to can even have an effect on me that seems harmful to my mentality. If I notice a family member is frustrated or stressed, I feel worried and ill at ease. I will try to help. If it does not work, I feel worse. If someone is expressing anger through an outburst, I feel the same worry and I even sort of feel like I’m being “injured”, even if the person is not angry at me. If it is about me, I feel even worse. If someone close to me is angry enough that they are yelling at me and sharply criticizing me, it’s incredibly painful. So this is basically why I doubt if I am really compatible with an ESTj. I still find the ESTj to be admirable and appealing, and I certainly think I could handle one as a friend. But a spouse? To be honest, I am curious about the ESTj. I am not close with anyone I would identify with as ESTj, so my impression of them may not be correct. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that though they are not usually very emotional, there are times where their frustrations can build, and they wind up like a jack-in-the-box until they pop (...maybe not the best analogy). When this happens, they express all this bent up emotion but not directly by clearly explaining why they are upset. They may not be in tune with their emotions and what is making them feel this way or why it is. Because of this, their anger might not be directed to what is actually bothering them. Also, because they’ve repressed their emotions, they’ve had plenty of time to build up frustration and anger, so when they do express it, it may be a little intense. These sort of “jack-in-the-box” spells are what make me question if I could be compatible with an ESTj. If I had a spouse who was an ESTj, I feel like I would always be restless and ill at ease all the time because of the way others’ emotions affect me. Also, if my spouse were the type that could snap at me or be harsh to me I would be very hurt. Anyway, that is my perspective. So what is yours? I would like to hear from ESTjs and INFjs about what you think about compatibility with your duel. Is your duel really the best match for you? If not, what are the things that are deal-breakers? If you do think you’re most compatible with your duel vs any other socionics type, what are your reasons? What do you admire about your duel, and how do you think you would handle conflict? -- Anonymous
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A4 I am an INFJ with many friends & family who are ESTJ. I love them to death but they drive me insane to be around. I would seriously question starting a relationship with that type, knowing the level of sensitivity an INFJ is likely to display when being criticized CONSTANTLY and torn apart for everything you believe and for simply being an introvert. That is likely to cause serious problems in a long-term relationship. Type compatibility set aside, my own experience tells me INFJs should stay away from romantic relationships with all EST types -- Anonymous
A5 Hello there. I'm an INFj and I've been in a relationship with an ESTj for five years. I've also dated other ESTjs prior to this. According to Socionics, these two types are highly compatible. So on the level of personality, these two types should theoretically get along very well. However, that does not mean fairytale bliss. In any relationship, both people must be willing to learn and grow and deal with differences. And of course, there are mature ESTjs and immature ESTjs out there. You are absolutely right about all the pros you listed. ESTjs like to take care of the day-to-day stuff that I often feel overwhelmed by, especially when I'd rather work on more interesting and personally meaningful projects. However, since they value a contribution to the relationship on the level of household chores and duties, they are likely to expect that you "do your share: as well. Just make sure that you set clear expectations about things beforehand, otherwise you may find yourself facing an angry ESTj who sees your failure to wash the dishes as a sign that you aren't invested in the relationship or interested in helping out. Ask them to be clear about what they expect and be honest about how much you are willing/able to do. In time, my ESTj realized that if he really wants everything done to his standards, he's going to have to do it. Otherwise, he needs to be okay with my contributions because I do the best I can. It is quite typical of INFjs to miss meals and put off going to the bathroom in favor of whatever is occupying our interests. ESTjs are very physically in-tune, and can help cover for you in this area. However, as I previously mentioned, make sure you demonstrate a willingness to help out so the ESTj doesn't feel like all the cooking is up to them all the time. For example, I like to help chop vegetables, set the table and such while he manages most of the meal. You hit the nail on the head with the cons as well. Personally, I have talked to my ESTj at length about our differences and he is beginning to appreciate them more. Initially, he did tend to think of me as overly sensitive and emotional (and still does sometimes). But then, I was not used to his way of communicating. He is very blunt and forthright, and finds it hard not to let people know when he thinks they've messed up. He often doesn't realize how he comes across. And yes, for me the bouts of anger are hands-down the worst thing about it. You might see this less with a more mature ESTj or a female ESTj. When he gets angry, I just break down. It really, really hurts and so I try to communicate that to him, but he seems to care more about getting his point across at any cost. There has to be some compromise. I have found that if I can keep a lid on my own emotions, I can acknowledge that he is making a good point, and often he'll calm down. Don't confront the anger head-on. Rather, come back to the ESTj after they have calmed down and let them know how their outburst made you feel. It goes both ways: on the one hand, it is up to them to control their anger, so don't let them blame you for setting them off. On the other hand, it's also up to you not to let your hurt feelings exacerbate things. Forgiveness is everything in relationships. -- Anonymous
A6 I'm a female INFj. When first I met a female ESTj: instant friends, and stayed that way. When I met a male: the first day, while I had decided I didn't like him, he hit on me (and I bit his head off... oops!). But then we kind of got used to each other. We ended up getting along really well. He really stabilized me, I suspect I did the same for him, but timing was off, and I haven't seen him and have been constantly missing him for over five years... Every time I run across another ESTj male, the small differences between each individual just make me miss the first one more. So, yes, duality, but the exact individual also needs to mesh with your own exact expression of personality & character, and there needs to be time to become accustomed to each other, time to grow. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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