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| Question #1326147521 | Monday, 9-Jan-2012 |
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| Are ESTjs and INFjs really compatible? I am an INFj. There are a lot of things I admire about the ESTj's personality, and I could easily see myself being good friends with one; however, it seems like there would be a lot of conflicts in a romantic relationship. I truly respect how hard working ESTjs are and how they are loyal to their friends and family. Also, ESTjs amaze me with their self-discipline and ability to organize. There are a few pros I could see in a relationship between an ESTj and INFj. 1.) An INFj would let the ESTj lead. But INFjs are not push overs. I have very strong convictions about values and the people I care about and am willing to defend them. However, when it comes to the little day-to-day decisions, I just really don't care. I'm perfectly fine with letting someone else handle them, and I usually prefer it that way. 2.) An ESTj could provide stability. At work and school I put forth all my effort into projects, but I'm not very good at managing my time at home. I feel like I often waste my free time, and sometimes I won't even eat because it seems like too much effort to actually cook something. But I don't know if this is typical of INFjs or just me. This is where I could see an ESTjs discipline and organization bringing stability to an INFjs personal life. 3.) An INFj is able to understand and appreciate an ESTjs true self. ESTjs are often not good at expressing their emotions and can appear abrasive to other people. Fortunately, INFjs are good at reading between the lines. But there are also a few areas where I could possibly see conflict between an ESTj and an INFj in a relationship. 1.) The ESTj and INFj may become frustrated with one another at times because the other does not share their view point. ESTjs are sensory thinking. INFjs are intuitive feeling. An ESTj may look at a certain situation more logically, while an INFj may perceive it more emotionally. Even if partners understand where the other is coming from, the INFj may not be able to remove their feelings from the situation any more than the ESTj could abandon their logic. 2.) The ESTj may think the INFj is overemotional or too sensitive and could become frustrated that the INFj is not as structured. 3.) The INFj might feel that the ESTj can be controlling. Also, they may feel they cannot get as close to the ESTj as they would like because the ESTj is not as willing or able to engage them on an emotional level. That is my general observation about how these two pairs would get along in a romantic relationship. No one is perfect; you cannot expect to have a relationship with anyone without conflict arising. The question is do the pros outweigh the cons? Looking at the list, as an INFj I would say I would still be interested in having a relationship with an ESTj. However, aside from the list there is one major problem that makes me wonder if I could ever have a relationship with an ESTj without subjecting myself to more emotional pain than I’m willing to. I have often heard that ESTjs usually repress their emotions, but they can at times have angry/frustrated outbursts. Personally, I find that I sort of “absorb” the emotions of the people I’m close to. If my friend feels happy, I feel happy. If my friend feels sad, I feel sad. If my friend tells me someone mistreated them, I feel passionate—how dare they treat them that way! On the other side, sometimes the emotional state of the people I’m close to can even have an effect on me that seems harmful to my mentality. If I notice a family member is frustrated or stressed, I feel worried and ill at ease. I will try to help. If it does not work, I feel worse. If someone is expressing anger through an outburst, I feel the same worry and I even sort of feel like I’m being “injured”, even if the person is not angry at me. If it is about me, I feel even worse. If someone close to me is angry enough that they are yelling at me and sharply criticizing me, it’s incredibly painful. So this is basically why I doubt if I am really compatible with an ESTj. I still find the ESTj to be admirable and appealing, and I certainly think I could handle one as a friend. But a spouse? To be honest, I am curious about the ESTj. I am not close with anyone I would identify with as ESTj, so my impression of them may not be correct. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that though they are not usually very emotional, there are times where their frustrations can build, and they wind up like a jack-in-the-box until they pop (...maybe not the best analogy). When this happens, they express all this bent up emotion but not directly by clearly explaining why they are upset. They may not be in tune with their emotions and what is making them feel this way or why it is. Because of this, their anger might not be directed to what is actually bothering them. Also, because they’ve repressed their emotions, they’ve had plenty of time to build up frustration and anger, so when they do express it, it may be a little intense. These sort of “jack-in-the-box” spells are what make me question if I could be compatible with an ESTj. If I had a spouse who was an ESTj, I feel like I would always be restless and ill at ease all the time because of the way others’ emotions affect me. Also, if my spouse were the type that could snap at me or be harsh to me I would be very hurt. Anyway, that is my perspective. So what is yours? I would like to hear from ESTjs and INFjs about what you think about compatibility with your duel. Is your duel really the best match for you? If not, what are the things that are deal-breakers? If you do think you’re most compatible with your duel vs any other socionics type, what are your reasons? What do you admire about your duel, and how do you think you would handle conflict? -- Anonymous |
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A3 Hi all. I'm an INFJ, married to an ESTJ for more than 30 years. So think I'm in a position to say something about 'duals'. Let me say this. In a lot of ways, it is only lately I have really begun to appreciate everything my ESTJ husband has done for me. He is so commercial, so on to it,he has covered many bases that I know nothing about and has certainly provided a stable home. I find it a relief to have the daily issues decided quickly and it pushes me to decide if I don't really care, but if I do then yes, there are problems. Or there used to be, but are no longer, because now I say I need to think about it and get back to him if it's something that may be important to me. But for years I was taken advantage of (spent 2 weeks every year with his parents on holiday even though I only got 3 weeks holiday a year) because I wasn't quick enough to say no, it was done and decided before I could open my mouth. But now I know it was as much my own fault as anything, I just needed to say wait, I need to think about this, I am not enjoying this. But it ended up in a volcano on holiday when I couldn't stand it any more one year, not a good look for an INFJ who hates conflict. The other negative for years was that I was supercilious about my 'N' ness, my husband and all his colleagues/friends are SJs too and together they make a pretty dull lot for an NF. BUT. The positives DO far outweigh the negatives. Re their anger, when my ESTJ husband gets angry he may throw something at the wall and yell a bit, and it's scary, but it's over in less than 5 minutes and then he's back to even-stevens again. Once you're used to this, it's no big deal. Seriously. It doesn't last for days, it's just a little tantrum, I laugh when I see it now (sometimes). He is mostly an absolute delight (for me) to be around. I understand him well, but the thing is, he understands me too. At a level I only realise now. There were also some issues during our 30s when the kids were small, because he was quite workaholic and left me to it, and I felt unsupported, but it is only in hindsight now in my 50s that I appreciate how much he did for the setting up of the family. And I suspect a lot of couples have issues when the kids are growing up, that is when a lot of divorces happen after all. But I think o the biggest issue for me was getting over his lack of 'N' ness. I would get very bored at times with all the 'S' around me, and occasionally frustrated, but in the end everyone is responsible for their own soul, and in my 50s I have developed a lot of 'N' friendships, which provides me with all the N I need, and I wish I had done more of this sooner. But it is true what socionics says about a lot of things re the 'dual'. It's like together we have so many more bases covered than just one of us alone. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts and all that. We seriously have no flank undefended. And he loves that I let him do his thing with no problem on my part (he's semi-retired as an accountant but we have a farm as well and he spends a lot of his time planting trees and building decks or sheds or whatever, and I am now attempting to write that novel that alluded me before my mid-life crisis). I have always called my husband 'action man' (he's like a boyscout)and we are always haring off on some physical adventure and I love it, the breaks take me out of my head and when I come back to my writing it's like the ideas are now ready to come out. We've biked across the US, walked across Switzerland from one end to the other through the Alps and a whole lot of other things too numerous to mention. He organises everything, he loves maps, it's fabulous. And I love being the drama queen in the relationship. He is so straightforward, what you see is what you get, he is refreshingly honest but no walkover, but he is all about being fair so if I point out some unfairness (that I've done this and this so now he needs to do this) he is perfectly amenable to my requests. And he is only controlling in the sense that he wants to decide and do quickly, he sees me as a stubborn rock, he thinks I wear the pants and he does all the compromising, but I see it the other way, and that is the best you can hope for in a relationship. I guess I sound very unromantic, I've been married so long, but we are so compatible that the flame is still there, too. I just love him to death. Imagine being able to take care of all the things you're good at, but learning to improve your weaknesses too through watching and being guided by your partner. If he goes first I will be so much more rounded and able to look after myself through what I have learned from his way of thinking. And I suspect he is much more 'in touch with his emotions' because I have helped him that way. Let me just say to all you INFJs out there that an ESTJ is a wonderful fit, but you still have to seek out the 'N' things you wish to do yourself, but that's fine if you're aware of it. I wouldn't trade my ESTJ in for anything.  -- Anonymous |
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