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Question #1326147521Monday, 9-Jan-2012
Category: ESTj INFj Love Attraction
Are ESTjs and INFjs really compatible? I am an INFj. There are a lot of things I admire about the ESTj's personality, and I could easily see myself being good friends with one; however, it seems like there would be a lot of conflicts in a romantic relationship. I truly respect how hard working ESTjs are and how they are loyal to their friends and family. Also, ESTjs amaze me with their self-discipline and ability to organize. There are a few pros I could see in a relationship between an ESTj and INFj. 1.) An INFj would let the ESTj lead. But INFjs are not push overs. I have very strong convictions about values and the people I care about and am willing to defend them. However, when it comes to the little day-to-day decisions, I just really don't care. I'm perfectly fine with letting someone else handle them, and I usually prefer it that way. 2.) An ESTj could provide stability. At work and school I put forth all my effort into projects, but I'm not very good at managing my time at home. I feel like I often waste my free time, and sometimes I won't even eat because it seems like too much effort to actually cook something. But I don't know if this is typical of INFjs or just me. This is where I could see an ESTjs discipline and organization bringing stability to an INFjs personal life. 3.) An INFj is able to understand and appreciate an ESTjs true self. ESTjs are often not good at expressing their emotions and can appear abrasive to other people. Fortunately, INFjs are good at reading between the lines. But there are also a few areas where I could possibly see conflict between an ESTj and an INFj in a relationship. 1.) The ESTj and INFj may become frustrated with one another at times because the other does not share their view point. ESTjs are sensory thinking. INFjs are intuitive feeling. An ESTj may look at a certain situation more logically, while an INFj may perceive it more emotionally. Even if partners understand where the other is coming from, the INFj may not be able to remove their feelings from the situation any more than the ESTj could abandon their logic. 2.) The ESTj may think the INFj is overemotional or too sensitive and could become frustrated that the INFj is not as structured. 3.) The INFj might feel that the ESTj can be controlling. Also, they may feel they cannot get as close to the ESTj as they would like because the ESTj is not as willing or able to engage them on an emotional level. That is my general observation about how these two pairs would get along in a romantic relationship. No one is perfect; you cannot expect to have a relationship with anyone without conflict arising. The question is do the pros outweigh the cons? Looking at the list, as an INFj I would say I would still be interested in having a relationship with an ESTj. However, aside from the list there is one major problem that makes me wonder if I could ever have a relationship with an ESTj without subjecting myself to more emotional pain than I’m willing to. I have often heard that ESTjs usually repress their emotions, but they can at times have angry/frustrated outbursts. Personally, I find that I sort of “absorb” the emotions of the people I’m close to. If my friend feels happy, I feel happy. If my friend feels sad, I feel sad. If my friend tells me someone mistreated them, I feel passionate—how dare they treat them that way! On the other side, sometimes the emotional state of the people I’m close to can even have an effect on me that seems harmful to my mentality. If I notice a family member is frustrated or stressed, I feel worried and ill at ease. I will try to help. If it does not work, I feel worse. If someone is expressing anger through an outburst, I feel the same worry and I even sort of feel like I’m being “injured”, even if the person is not angry at me. If it is about me, I feel even worse. If someone close to me is angry enough that they are yelling at me and sharply criticizing me, it’s incredibly painful. So this is basically why I doubt if I am really compatible with an ESTj. I still find the ESTj to be admirable and appealing, and I certainly think I could handle one as a friend. But a spouse? To be honest, I am curious about the ESTj. I am not close with anyone I would identify with as ESTj, so my impression of them may not be correct. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that though they are not usually very emotional, there are times where their frustrations can build, and they wind up like a jack-in-the-box until they pop (...maybe not the best analogy). When this happens, they express all this bent up emotion but not directly by clearly explaining why they are upset. They may not be in tune with their emotions and what is making them feel this way or why it is. Because of this, their anger might not be directed to what is actually bothering them. Also, because they’ve repressed their emotions, they’ve had plenty of time to build up frustration and anger, so when they do express it, it may be a little intense. These sort of “jack-in-the-box” spells are what make me question if I could be compatible with an ESTj. If I had a spouse who was an ESTj, I feel like I would always be restless and ill at ease all the time because of the way others’ emotions affect me. Also, if my spouse were the type that could snap at me or be harsh to me I would be very hurt. Anyway, that is my perspective. So what is yours? I would like to hear from ESTjs and INFjs about what you think about compatibility with your duel. Is your duel really the best match for you? If not, what are the things that are deal-breakers? If you do think you’re most compatible with your duel vs any other socionics type, what are your reasons? What do you admire about your duel, and how do you think you would handle conflict? -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 3+ 4+
A1 I am an INFJ mother with a ESTJ daughter. The need to control everything is evident in both of us; the thing that bothers me most in our relationship however, is that she does not respect my position as the mother and she the child. She doesn't like my mothering style and seems always trying to take over my responsiblities while neglecting her own. She is a know it all and gets insulting, mouthy, and her outbursts seem irrational and not focused on what she is really angry about-anyone can be a target when she is like this. I don't think I could tolerate a spouse with this kind of emotional set, nor a "friend". -- Anonymous
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A2 First of all, I would like to state that I am an INTP, but I want my opinon in this. To the Anon above, it may be unpleasant for your child to be an ESTJ, ESTJs are usually in control when it comes to people who let go of their control in the little stuff, such as INFJs. But it MAY be different if this was someone of the oppostie gender and older than you. A pure relationship doesn't just depend on what type you are, it depends on age, maturity, and relationships, (such as mother and child) to create stability. -- Kawarren-INTP
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