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Question #1294678694Monday, 10-Jan-2011
Category: ISFj ESTj Intertype Relations Duality Relationship
I'm INFJ/ISFJ (not sure, but more of ISFJ I think).. I have a friend who is most likely ESTJ. We became pretty good friends some time ago when he was struggling and needed someone to talk to, but lately I feel like we are not as good friends as I thought we were. He rarely has much time for me, we don't talk about anything that "matters" anymore (despite we are together almost every day!), I feel as though he doesn't even care about me like he used to, like he puts everything else above our friendship..what kinda hurts. I've tried to find out what's wrong but he said he doesn't think anything is wrong. (and I don't think he was pretending, he really thinks everything's okay) So I was wondering, since ISFJ-ESTJ friendship is not very common as far as I read (or rather don't read, couldn't find it anywhere - that's why I'm asking), is it all just that our personalities are not really "supposed to fit" together so we only see things differently, or we don't belong together at all and we became friends just because I tend to help people who need it? You know, he does annoy me sometimes, we are sarcastic to each other and such But that's what teenagers do, I guess. And I like him, he is perhaps one of the best friends I have (or thought I had?) So what do you think? -- Anonymous
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Your Answers: 1+
A1 Hmmm...this is a tough one because it's hard to say whether this is a personality issue. ESTJ and ISFJ should definitely relate enough to have a friendship. But even in established friendships there are lots of reasons why people distance themselves from other people - usually it's when they have to process something (which may or may not be related to you) or they're changing. And sometimes people take relationships for granted and don't acknowledge the fact that they need to be nutured. Do you have other friends you can spend time with? Sometimes just giving the friendship a little bit of a breather can make a big difference. Try you best not to cling to it. I know that's hard because you care about him and want to maintain the friendship, but the bottom line is that if he's a true friend, he'll come back around. You don't want a friend to make you feel bad or insecure about yourself. That's not what friendship is about. So, I would suggest giving him some space, keeping things light, and not probing too much into why things seem different now. Just let it ebb and flow to the extent that you can. If you guys end up further and further apart, then the friendship bond between you may just not be strong enough. But I hope for your sake that's not the case! -- Anonymous
A2 Don't worry about personality incompatibility. ISFj-ESTj is theoretically a pretty good relationship. The best thing I can tell you is that ESTjs just do that sometimes. They get wrapped up in work and other things. Just remind him that you're around and try to have lighthearted, fun conversations despite the growing distance. Alternatively, you could bring it up to him. I should warn you though- he might accuse you of being ridiculous or deny that anything has changed. All types of relationships ebb and flow. Like A1 said, if your friendship is important to him, he'll stick around. -- INFj
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