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Question #1294469243Saturday, 8-Jan-2011
Category: ENFp ISTj Intertype Relations Parenting Advice
I am a teenage female ENFP who is having trouble getting along with her ISTJ mother. Lately it seems like everything is an argument, to the point that I don't even want to be in the same room as her. She always yells at me for forgetting little things like washing the dishes, and doesn't accept that I just forgot simply because it's not important to me. She seems to lecture me at every chance she gets, particularly about grades and such, and I don't know how to deal with it! I try to make her understand that if she wouldn't hound me about these things, I've have no problem getting them done, but she wants to control how and when I do things. And even then, there's always something wrong with my efforts, how I did it, etc. I'm really looking forward to going away to college this year just to get away from her, and I don't want to feel like that. Could I have some suggestions to make our relationship easier and less stressful? -- Hounded ENFP
Your Answers: 1+
A1 In my opinion, your best bet is to look her dead on in the eye, and say, "Mom, stop. Now. I am doing the best I can, but your constant lecturing and hounding only downgrades my performance rather than improving it. A reminder to do something is okay, but a small reminder is enough. You don't need to lecture me. Please let me do things on my own without constant supervision." Stick to your guns, and don't be a softie! If you can figure out how to stand strong, you may earn some respect from her and she might then back off. If she doesn't... just filter her out until she figures out that it is pointless for her to continue lecturing you. -- Anonymous
A2 Well, this is coming from an ISTJ single male as a solution to you: First off, please totally ignore the comment 'A1' suggested as it's nothing but more fuel to the fire. Obviously, this 'Anonymous' person without any thinking of the situation preaching non-sense as it's easier according to the comment, unfortunately, you're not having problems with her/him. You need support to make this work, not push to break it. One silly comment can jeopradize many years of your relationship. Please be wise! Here is what your mom is thinking as I would to: She raised you, helped you in all situations, when you were little, crying she never asked you to stop crying and to understand her feelings. She always took care of you without delay to best of her capabilities. So now it's time to reciprocate/understand/internalize her doings for you here and there. Besides, what do you have to lose. You do eat and use the house, so why not just clean up as you're done. You think by going to the College, you live on pills and water, you still have to clean up and do all the things she's asking you to do now and more (laundry,shopping,vaccuming etc). Logically, being at home and making peace is the best solution as the added benefit of having a loving mother comes as a bonus. Isn't only fair to do something for her for all the years she's done for you? What will work and will change her attitude is to see you take responsibility, for herself. You need to just DO without any questions, just for awhile and once she's sure, she'll be more expressive of her love and more appreciative of your efforts. It's the language her system understands, I think it's your duty to conform and do your part in making your own life better. Anything that changes the situation to be better than this NOW, could be looked at by you as your effort to make it work for you. If you feel what you feel now, unfortunately is your own doing. Jump to her shoe and you'll feel the hurt. (Remember this: Why don't you sell the way you buy?) Not everyone is the same, so compromise and filter the passion/energy she has to reflect on you in love and not anger.Good luck. -- Zacques
A3 I am very new to this but have discovered that I appear to be an ENfP and my wife is an ISTj. At least one (if not both my daughters ,now 22 and 23, are in my thoughts ENFp. I'm new to this but it makes a lot of clarity as I see my unraveling relationship with wife and daughters for a while but believe as I embrace my ENFP-ism there will be a lot of freedom,joy, and peace for most of us.So as a young lady.......I say understand as much as you can and don't throw any verbal hand grenades that will come back to haunt and take everyone's peace away.As an ENFP you can navigate this and that's what I'm doing at age 57! understanding,knowledge,compassion, love and you will still have your family back. If not,we all did our best! Blessings to you and yours, Michael K, Florida -- Anonymous
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A4 In fact the two of you seem to have the same goal. She needs to see her child as self reliant and strong. You need the space to be self reliant and strong in your own way. -- istp
A5 Relationship between ENFP and ISTJ is one of a conflict. Unfortunately the only way to keep it going is to try to keep your psychological distance and minimize potential of a conflict by patience and compassion. -- Anonymous
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