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Question #1289491643Thursday, 11-Nov-2010
Category: ESTj Dating
I am an ESTJ female and just started dating an ESTJ male (he's a bit lower in the extroverted scale than me and a bit higher in the thinking scale) and we are both very clearly ESTJ's. We are both over the moon and feel like we found our perfect matches. We agree on everything and I'm thrilled to finally be with someone who isn't intimidated by me and isn't "whipped" and he is thrilled to be with someone who isn't wimpy/ueber emotional/ and can speak her own mind. I love all those things about him too. So why isn't it suggested more for ESTJ's to date ESTJ's? We're such particular people.. it makes logical sense to date someone like us! I already have to deal with adapting to other personalities/ not offending them and everything in the world. It's such a relief to be with someone where I can really be myself. Is there something I'm not seeing here or need to watch out for? -- Anonymous
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Your Answers: 1+
A1 as far as comfort, identical is second in psychological comfort, second being duality. the problem would be, you will eventually get bored most likely. it's like there is no real struggle with identical relations. you understand each other well, which is great but the interest will diminish, being with someone so similar to yourself. obviously the best choice is INFj for you, but don't let socionics dictate your relations, live life to the fullest and experience everything. imagine having that same comfort - but they are able to support your and help you in areas you need it while you do the same for them, paired with their which they can use to help you realize what you can do better, in a very nonthreatening manner. also the emotional/wimpy people seem more like INFps than INFjs. I assume you are the Si subtype while your ESTj boyfriend is Te (the extrovert/introvert scale matters the least in socionics as opposed to MBTI - extroverts can appear introverts and vice versa so we tend not to type on that). hope this helps -- INFp
A2 Well first off, I found it a bit odd that you ended with a symbol for extraverted intuition. But moving on, there are several explanations for this. You say you JUST STARTED dating, and so you are both feeling great and excited about everything, especially about how similar you are. I don't think any conflict will come about until you both face a stressful situation, or have to deal with real life. Second, identical relations DO have a very high degree of compatibility, in fact they are the next best. If you are asking why socionics doesn't put ESTj-ESTj pairings as the first best, then you misunderstand the nature of duality, which requires completely opposite dominant functions, but the same preference for rationality/irrationality. So later in your relationship, you might realize that neither of you can really solve each other's problems, you can just sympathize and probably bulldoze over them, in typical ESTj fashion. But there's nothing wrong with that at all, it's much better than someone who cannot sympathize, or who will always misunderstand. Basically, if you've got a good thing going, then keep going! -- Anonymous
A3 Hello there! *** I am an INFj. One of my very best friends is an INFj and I have dated several ESTjs, one of whom is my current partner. I believe I can speak a bit about what I don't get out of my INFj friend that I do get from ESTjs. Yes, initially meeting someone just like me (INFj) was thrilling and amazing and we spent so much time sharing everything because the bond was being created so quickly. It was just so exciting. I had never really thought that anyone could agree with me on virtually everything and hold the same values! We can always go to the other for support; there is always complete understanding because it's as if we have the same brain. This is a wonderful feeling. Here's the flipside: while I wouldn't necessarily say I got "bored" with my INFj friend, I did discover that this friend was not the best person to go to for advice (though I still do, just to vent). We can talk for hours because we want to talk about the same things, and it is nice to hear someone say, "I totally know what you mean; I feel the same way." When I am facing a crisis though, I find that this friend reaches the same conclusions and fears that I reach. *** ESTjs are a whole other world. They operate in a totally different realm than I am accustomed to; they are so on top of things, as I aspire to be. It's hard to describe just what it is that draws me to them. The things you mention about being "whipped" and "wimpy/├╝ber emotional" are actually more characteristic of INFps. However, I have noticed that when I talk to ESTjs about my emotionality, they begin to think of it in INFp terms, like you did. INFjs are introverts, so yes - we are not "in your face" by any means. We loathe conflict, but not because we can't hold fast to our ideals. On the contrary, when it comes to our sense of morals (it's more helpful to think of as morality instead of emotion) we are resolute. Sometimes my ESTj partner will tell me that I'm not the best at making conversation, that I'm too quiet, that I can take things too seriously, and that I over-analyze our relationship, but he is right. In turn, I mention his problems with controlling his temper, and his tendency to judge people too quickly. However, my ESTj has helped me grow more than anyone I have ever met, even more than some long-time friends. The differences can be challenging, but they are so rewarding. The honesty is worth it. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship, and I also hope that you can make a Dual friend someday. -- Anonymous
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