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Question #1281638881Thursday, 12-Aug-2010
Category: INTj ESFp Dating Relationship Personality
My friend is an INTJ and I am ESFP. Are we a good match? How do I negotiate with him...how do I get him to do things? -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 13+
A1 What are you trying to get your INTJ friend to do? I’ve had a number of INTJ friends and dated a few. They are stubborn. -- Anonymous
A2 I'm an INTJ and naturally have no idea concerning your first question. However how to "get him to do things?" Is almost a non-sensical question. It can be assumed he doesn't care what anybody (it's not meant personally, but yourself included) thinks of his actions so your best bet of getting him to do something is the gun-to-head technique. However, if you're referring to social activities, I recommend limiting such suggestions to places where a guaranteed distraction from other people is in place to increase the odds he'll accept. This can be bowling, a movie, fishing, pool, whatever but "Wanna go to a party" can be, not only a little off-setting, but downright nerve-racking as a series of social interactions with unfamiliar people is often overwhelming to INTJ's. -- David
A3 No. This is a terrible match! INTjs do not want to be dominated by an ESFP's introverted feelings. And go ahead, try to shut everyone out of your life. The INTj will not stop you, because in the end, it's the ESFP who suffers from loneliness, not an INTj. -- daughter of an INTj
A4 Why do you feel like it's your right to manipulate him (..."get him to do things")? Or anyone for that matter? This sounds like psychological illness... -- Anonymous
A5 The E/I thing is not really a big deal. We may not admit it, but it can be fun to have an E pushing us to come out with them, so long as it's not constant and we can go home and recharge our batteries. Let your friend go at his own pace, and you should be fine. That said, with the E combined with the SFP, you've got problems. An INTJ thinks about the world logically, and and makes huge leaps in conversation. He'll crunch the numbers without your input, and then spit out a an intuitive result. You prefer to externalize your thought process, discussing discrete information, then be satisfied with how you feel about it inside. Yes, you're going to be giving the INTJ lots of useful data, but ultimately you prefer ethics over logic. If you want to "negotiate" with him, focus on providing data, then sit back and let him do his thing. Don't bring feelings into it, your friend doesn't care about any of that, he cares only about what's factual. Give an INTJ the right sorts of data, and he'll do all the convincing himself. You're going to drive him nuts not being punctual and not being on a strict schedule. He's going to drive you nuts by wanting a plan. Anybody can deal with anybody, if they know how the other thinks and how they themselves think. The reality is, you're not going to understand how your friend comes up with his conclusions, and you're going to disagree with what's important. That doesn't mean you can't get along, but neither of you will be terribly satisfied with your relationship. Your friend isn't really going to worry about it though. He doesn't care that much about how you feel about it or how he feels about it either. You'll probably just drift apart, and that will be it. -- Anonymous
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A6 my ex boyfriend was an INTJ and i am an ESFP.. very bad match.. i was so deeply in love with him that i still suffer. he was very stuborn and he didn't show me his feelings. (i still wonder if he had any feelings for me..or if he had feelings for anything at all..) -- Anonymous
A7 Well hello, we do have feelings (INTJ-woman here) but please learn to recognize how we show affection. It's by being interested in you, by analyzing you (and it's a huge analyzis that can take months or years before we decide what to do). We adore Fs and if there is a healthy INTJ he or she will learn how to deal with emotional side of you. I can't say "I love you" to anyone i love, but i can write them that. I'll also express it by doing things, rather than talking about them. If someone appears to be untrue we'll just bite. So before you start to complain, please LEARN about us, reading as much as you can (i know ExxPs usually can't focus on a piece of paper larger than A4...). Then you won't get dissapointed. WE ALMOST NEVER WASTE OUR TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SPECIAL TO US. -- Anonymous
A8 A5: I'd just like to add that "you prefer ethics over logic" is only partly true... Yes, we prefer talking about nature, food, people, funny events etc., rather than mathematics or computers, but we're usually good listeners and we can take in a considerable amount of emotionless logic and facts and we actually like it. We're not Duals with NTs for nothing. We share the stress on logic and rationality with ENTjs and INTps and we understand it the same way. And the older we get, the more often we find ourselves saying things like "Why is he talking so emotionally and incoherently?!" or "This isn't rational behaviour!" or "I'm so fed up with people gossipping, I need someone to talk about technology with!" And by the way, I even know some NTs who are quite some gossips and like to talk about art and people. It also depends on which brain hemisphere you use more, which, by the way, is independent of type. I'm very much concerned with analysis, precision, logic and facts (I'm writing an encyclopaedia), and have an INTp friend who's an actress and obviously uses her right cerebral hemisphere - she's practical, but also very emotional, chaotic and creative. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A9 "Gun to the head" technique indeed. It will work, in ending the misery I mean, after very sharp pain. ESFp is too spontaneous, too outgoing, too demanding, too everything for INTj. Also INTj will never be enough for you. INTj will see you as insufferable. INTj does plenty, but not for your tastes. Never. -- Ty M.
A10 You approaching the question wrong. It's not "how do I get him to do things." It should be "how do I make things look good enough that he wants to do it." Direct control simply doesn't work with me. I just broke up with and ESFp, she tried that all time. She was always trying to "get me to do things," but failed to make me want them to do it with her. Just remember to be light-hearted, and if he feels too unmotivated to do anything, maybe you need to leave it be WITHOUT bad feelings. -- - LII
A11 Words like "negotiate" and "getting him to do things" are an indication of how you are going wrong, that's not a style of interaction that is going to work. And from the INTj's point of view, an ESFp is someone who wants to know how to grease the wheels of social interaction, but will not attach to much importance to exactly what is said to get the wheels turning. INTj's expect you to mean what you say, and you are likely to disappoint or frustrate them. -- Anonymous
A12 Typical ESFP, always trying to manipulate and control everyone's life but your own. To answer your question HELL NO you're not a match! Being an INTJ and having a Mom who is an ESFP and a brother I think may also be an ESFP (maybe ISFP) I would know. Continuous arguments, views, bad decisions, etc. not based on facts but purely on emotion and shortsightedness can annoy the hell out of an INTJ. Us being related is the only thing keeping me from strangling them. The feeling probably goes both ways. Also it would be very difficult for an INTJ to be manipulated by an ESFP, we only look at what makes sense when making a decision. If it doesn't make logical sense we won't do it PERIOD. If you're desperate enough you can probably lie (What SFP's are best at)but that will only work if: (1) They trust you enough to trust that you're providing them with facts and not altering them. (2) You haven't cried wolf too many times. Being an ESFP you've probably lost your leverage looooong ago. I once knew a gal who was also an ESFP I was attracted to initially because she was sexually appealing. But as we got to know each other quickly seen the resemblance between my Mom's personality and hers. That ship was abandoned quickly. She was manipulative too; I caught her in lies multiple times but when I questioned she always tried to play the victim and act like I was wrongfully accusing her even with evidence clear as day. One time the bitch called my phone and I couldn't answer because I was at work. When I got on break I checked a voice-mail she accidentally left. In it I heard her talking to some gay guy saying she called me, the gay guy was laughing and -sightly, but not really- shaming her because at the time she had a boyfriend and I were slowly but surely stealing her away. I called her back after work, no answer, then left her a text; no reply. A couple days later I went in to the store I met her at to pick-up something; she happened to be working that day. I asked her why did she call me a few days back. She said she didn't. Need I remind you I have her number on Caller ID and a voicemail with her confessing to her gay pal that she indeed called me. So butt-dialing wouldn't be a legitimate excuse; one I expected her to use. I asked her if she were sure she didn't call me, to give herself a chance to explain. But nope, she flipped on her 'manipulative-liar' switch and went into defensive mode and said "Why are you always accusing me of lying? You don't trust me, etc. etc." I said, "No one is accusing you of anything, I'm simply asking questions." Then followed up with a question to something I heard on voice-mail to let her know I heard her what she said. You should of seen the look on her lying face. After that I completely lost interest. And stopped talking to her as much until she got the picture. Then tried to manipulate me into fighting for her. To sum it up, I basically said your boyfriend doesn't have to be threaten by me anymore he can have you. Best of Luck and wish you well. Manipulative, a liar, overly emotional, and indecisive. Pretty much INTJ repellant. Glad I wasn't blind and nail that nice round ass, the sex would have probably been great but would have been more drama than it would be worth. I tried keeping her as a distant platonic friend but she doesn't seem to want to talk anymore. So I guess platonic friendships between ESFP's and INTJ's are just as incompatible or short-term. But then again that's only my experience. And as far as negotiating goes, it can be possible. As long as you're not making stupid demands purely on your volatile mood-swings. -- An INTJ annoyed by SFP's
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