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Question #1255597238Thursday, 15-Oct-2009
Category: ENFp Dating
I am in a stormy friendship/relationship with an ENFP. We are on-again off-again. I have read the "ENFP uncovered" profile on this site, and I find it frighteningly accurate. I will admit that I found it a bit disappointing when I discovered this person was an ENFP. Initially, I had thought this person was an SP of some type, because of his love of theatrics and theatre. But I now see that this is also a trait of the ENFP. Anyway, the reason I was disappointed to find this person is an ENFP is because the only other ENFPs I have known, I have found almost unbearable. Granted, people are individuals ... but I've read some comments on this site about the ENFP perhaps being the most obnoxious of all types, and I have to admit that this person often lives up to this. I think that what makes this type obnoxious is that they take the NF need for "inner meaning" and project it out into the world and demand not only attention from everyone, but also constant moral support. In other words, they seem to be very unstable and unpredictable people. One of the other ENFP's I knew was once described as follows: "When she's up, she's up. But when she's down, she's down!" In other words, the extremes. I'm experiencing this with the relationship I'm having with the ENFP in question: the good times literally got into spiritual realms (praying together), and the bad times because uncontrolled yelling matches full of hatred. I can really relate to the ENFP uncovered profile that says to avoid this type if you do not like high maintenance people. So, my question .... I don't know. Any advice on how to deal with this ENFP in my life? The way I dealt with the previous two ENFPs in my life was to happily allow the first one to just drift away (we were never that close anyway), and to just accept that with the second one I could not allow myself to remain close because it was exhausting. This seems to be a very unstable type. -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 11+
A1 The Socionics answer would probably be: what is your type? If you are their Dual, maybe you will manage. ENFps become a bit more like ISTps as they grow. There are also differences between ENFps, some of them really fall from an extreme into an extreme, some of them are calmer. -- Anonymous
A2 If you don't like a person, and your not forced to be around them (work/family), why would you? Best advice is to not take too much ENFp all at once. They are awesome people, but they are demanding. From what you've said, it seems you have no need to have a serious long term relationship with anyone unstable. Unless they're really cute. But, hormones aren't personality. -- ENTpee
A3 What type are you? -- Anonymous
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A4 Sounds tricky. ENFps can be very crazy and unpredictable, but you just have to learn to rely on their unreliability and spontaneity. Know that they won't change, but they're amazing in their own ways. Also, what type are you? This can very much effect what kind of relationship you have with them -- ISFj
A5 I agree with you that people are individuals, so it's usually better to go on a case-by-case basis rather than write someone off because of their type. Which is "the most obnoxious" type is purely subjective. As for this ENFP you describe, she might be an extraverted feeler, not introverted feeler. Is this an ENFJ - the Actor, or INFP - the Romantic? Expressing her emotions so dramatically, then, but on a regular basis for this type, might be her normal and her point of balance. It would truly be "all about them" - they would seem to be in control of themselves in terms of directing an impact on *you*, more than hurting internally. Then this behavior guarantees her stability, so she can blow off the excess steam and find strength in the center again. But if she also seems perturbed by the experience too, she could BE an ENFP who is not getting the support she needs in life. Needs, not wants. This happens a lot to delta NFs. We can seem "so kind and accepting and tolerant" of everyone, only to get used and abused until we're total messes who can't get our needs met or be "taken seriously" by anyone, because no one has recognized our efforts and given us our fair due, too. Are you an extreme for your own type? Do you do - or NOT do (as is common with lazier/stoic ISTPs and ESTJs) - anything to provoke her reactions, due to your own extremes? Maybe when she is having her lows, she needs your quiet practical support, and occasional lightheartedness to know you're still "there" and contributing. Maybe you shouldn't interfere with her mood, then, but discern and help her with those practical things she needs. Relationships are two-way streets. Are you provoking the quarrels by getting into her emotional sphere and prodding when she was trying to sort out her emotions quietly on her own? Maybe she doesn't need the extra emotional fire then, but distant support, acceptance, subtle encouragement, and a bit of room. Does she consistently give others unsolicited affirmation and moral support, yet receive none in return? As an INFJ, I can relate to that at various crises times in my life. And when others do find me too intense at times of extreme stress in my life, seriously, they should be so thankful they are not in *my* shoes having to experience so deeply what I'm trying to deal with internally, while trying not to inconvenience anyone. We're the least likely to give others the heat of our discomforts, so when it does "leak" out (in contrast to the beta NFs who use their emotions aggressively to their advantage), things have gotten way out of hand in our lives. Everything then is NOT ok in our world and people need to pay attention to us too, and think in terms of fairness to us and our practical needs and rewards - instead of us paying attention to everyone else's needs while we quietly eat up and transmute everyone else's crap, like blasted sin-eaters or something. (I get tired of other's stupid jealousy of me when I express my positive contributions to the world, trying to give my all in effort and be a moral example, and then not getting my fair share of the pie. It's tiring for us ENFPs and INFJs to consistently by treated by the world like everything is so "easy" for us - as if we're charmed - yet think, why should *we* naturally receive practical help, fair compensation, material rewards, etc.) -- ~ an Empath
A6 A2. Actually, that's the problem. He's stunning. I've heard others describe him as "so handsome" and "gorgeous." But then I'm no slacker myself. I'm a former model. -- Anonymous
A7 Thank you for the comments, everyone. As to what type I am, I am an INFj. I looked it up, and it appears that this person and I are mirror types. Apparently, we are the fourth most comfortable relationship type of all. What makes are relationship difficult, however, is that we are the same gender. We're both male. I mention in the first sentence that he and I are in a "friendship/relationship." I stated it that way because a constant point of frustration for both of us is that we cannot decide what our relationship IS. We don't know if we are only friends, or if we are lovers as well. It sometimes drives us crazy. As I write this, these issues have flared up to the point where both of us have decided we need a few days apart. I am a bit concerned that the relationship may be over, but my realistic side tells me that it most likely will not be, because this is a constant pattern for us. -- Anonymous
A8 I'd say find out your type, because you seem very incompatible with your ENFP. I'm with an enfj and it's pretty tough right now, as we're quasi-identical... Basically, as an enfp, you feel like you have an endless supply of caffeine to give to the world, to keep them moving, and keep them happy. However, some people don't need or want your caffeine, so you gotta let them go. When an ENFP is with someone who is intolerant to caffeine, metaphorically speaking... they don't always realize it, so you need to tell them. Because if you don't let them know, when you keep spending time with them, they'll think you want to keep drinkin it.... Starbucks won't turn you away if you keep coming back to the counter baby... Decide what it is you really need, then go in that direction. Caffeine ain't for everybody, but it sure as hell makes the world seem a little more pleasant, at the right dosages and the right times of day... Being ENFP takes it's toll on the ENFP individual as well, so I imagine he's having just as much trouble with this relationship as you, he's just being the best sport about it that he knows how to. ENFP's try to make every situation work, but like I said - some people are caffeine intolerant, and you need to make the decision that it's time to drink something else.... -- ENFP superstar, baby
A9 Sounds like an extreme case...and a highly stereotypical one as well. I think the most useful thing to remember is that all this information about personality types is generalized and not meant to replace actual knowledge and experience with people on an individual basis. And remember...we are all annoying to someone at some are always welcome to leave an uncomfortable situation rather that appear tolerant while burying resentments. Most enfp's would appreciate you more if you did not patronize them, but set healthy boundaries. -- Anonymous
A10 Anonymous- This ENFP obviously trusts you a lot. I want to let you know that it is very rare thing that they tell you all these things about inner meaning. I'm an ENFP and I never talk about it to anyone. So that part of your relationship must be good. As for the being obnoxious... well yeah, that's just something that comes with being an ENFP. My freinds just laugh when I get crazy. If you take it too seriously it will become obnoxious, if you're a little more happy and entergetic it will probably be hilariously funny. Trust me, I know that part is hard. I also want to say something to "an Empath". You are so right when you talk about taking care of other people. Right now I'm having a hard time because I feel controlled at home and am giving so much emotionally to my freinds. Anonymous- this crazy stuff your boyfriend is doing could be because of stress. Just be glad it came out in feelings, not in some sort of destructive behavior. Stay strong and wait it out. You may learn a lot in this relationship -- Alyssa, the 14 year old ENFP
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