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Question #1251412544Thursday, 27-Aug-2009
Category: ESTp INFj Gay Relationship Dating
I'm an INFJ and I'm dating a young man who is what Keirsey would call the "Artisan" temperament, and I'm pretty certain that he is specifically the ESTP personality type. I've read some mixed information on this pairing. One book says that, from the INFJ perspective, this is a relationship that is obviously interesting because it's the exact opposite. That same book, however, says that from the ESTP perspective this is a rare combination - and that it is good that it be rare. As my partner and I progress with our relationship, I see various conflicts arising within our relationship that I know realize are inevitable given the NF and SP pairing; I want to know about his feelings, and he just wants a good time. Complicating matters further, we are a gay couple (beyond that, we are of different races). All books that I read inevitably address this issue from the perspective of a heterosexual coupling, but I am wondering if this is different for a gay coupling. For example, one book says that the SP is best suited for the SJ because the SJ becomes a parent for the SP. This dynamic actually exists in our relationship, likely enhanced by the fact that there is also a decade of age difference between the two of us. I've read that such an age difference is common in gay relationships because the older male will often help the younger male come to terms with his sexuality, which is actually the case in our relationship. At base, we love each other, but are often puzzled and/or exasperated by one another (but, oddly, the exasperation seems to intrigue us, and we always make up and then our relationship goes to another level after each argument). Any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you. -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Are you sure he's not an ISTp or ESTj? Well, all the same, there are a million other factors involved in a relationship beyond personality type, so if you want to make it work, you can, though it sounds kinda rocky. -- Anonymous
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A2 I've never had him fill out the personality type questionaire, so I don't know for certain which type he is. But he exhibits all traits of Keirsey's Artisans, the SP. And there's no way he could be an ISTp as he's one of the most Extraverted people I've ever met. I don't think there's any way he is an SJ because he has little regard for convention, loves to shock people, is often late, changes plans mid-stream, is a thrill seeker, has a tendency to be reckless, and is very concerned with appearing sexy (and in my eyes he is extremely sexy). True that there are a million other factors beyond personality type involved in relationships, but taking into account that he is likely an SP (most likely specifically an ESTP) has helped a great deal. I've learned to stop asking him about his feelings and stop talking about long-term commitments. It is indeed rocky, but in the long run it's been a beautiful relationship and has turned my life around in many regards, and the rocky aspect of our relationship has been a breath of fresh air from my obsession with stability. I suppose one of the millions of other factors involved in relationships is that mysterious thing called "love," and I'm deeply in love. And now I'm sounding like a naive INFj, I know.... -- Anonymous
A3 This is a Socionics site and I believe Socionics works, unlike MBTI. In Socionics, ESTp and INFj are in the relation of Conflict (see the Relations section here). However, if you feel you are an INF and you started a relationship with an ESTp, that means you probably are an INFJ in MBTI, but an INFp in Socionics. Well at least to me, you seem like one. That would make you two a Dual couple, i.e. the best pairing of all. MBTI and Socionics types dont always correspond and the methods of typing are pretty different, you see. The most important thing is whether you two "speak the same language"? If it happens all the time that one of you says something and the other understands it completely differently and gets disinterested, offended or even starts a counterattack, then you are probably Conflict types. But you sound like you two speak more or less the same language and just have problems at adapting your personality traits and needs to the traits and needs of the other. Then you are probably Duals and you have a chance that your relationhsip will survive. Especially if you say "our relationship goes to another level after each argument". That is a good sign. All Socionics sites will tell you that Dual relationships are hard at the beginning, but get better with time. I think there is a chance that the compatibility of types will make up for the differences between you. But it takes a lot of tolerance and open communication. Tell your partner about your needs openly, he will probably not get it at first but if he loves you he will understand that it is important to you, and maybe actually start to like providing you with the NF things you need. ESTps (subconsciously at first, later consciously) need a lot of NF style communication and support. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A4 Thank you for your response, Ezis. Interesting what you noted, that we may be each others' duals. He and I had agreed upon exactly that only a few weeks ago, but without reference to socionics or typology. We had agreed that "we are each others' opposites." -- Anonymous
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