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| Question #1245823293 | Wednesday, 24-Jun-2009 |
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| I am an INTp who is experiencing a major problem with not being able to stabilize my life and reap any personal benefit. A natural innovator and problem-solver, the "free thinking" nature of my type is leading me to a strapped existence: I am losing freedoms in the outside world through the various logistical problems I now continually face. I am trying to solve how to reverse this phenomenon, as my life seems to be an ongoing "drain" - people, institutions ever demanding MORE, and not compensating me for what I contribute. I consistently outperform others in the same roles yet get screwed, and asserting myself has never worked. Systems do not work for me unless I am a member of it working on how to improve it to increase its efficiency and productivity. Then the rewards for those at the top run sky-high, I lose my position, and receive less and less compensation over time. I also often get screwed on a minor detail miscommunicated to me; or, a completely absence of information. I am naturally cool yet when I am able, am concerned about others' problems, trying to help them by disseminating the information I accumulate coupled with innovative perspectives so as to try and attempt the rational processes of the mind and extricate some positive value from the situation which profits the sufferer, to reverse their role/luck. I also spend much of my personal time trying to solve my own problems, too. Yet, nearing midlife, I am drowning in this approach of my dominant functions because life is no longer working for me. I abhor any prospects of *personal* (vs. theoretical) exploitation and yet increasingly am finding others throwing this role on me as "the fall guy." It's like the old commercial: "give it to mikey ~ he can (handle) anything". The world treats me like an octopus without supplying me with the typical fundamental starting resources it gladly nourishes most others with. It is a cycle of "milking" my own circumstances to keep on going until the next crisis - the next problem arises. Its exhausting. What functions should I develop more? I also am not employed using my dominant functions any more - rather - my inferior ones, and this normally angers me which I constantly try to control and figure how to continually accept or overcome. I've tried developing my self-assertion for years and my willpower, but these still do not bring results when it comes to my personal benefit and well-being. I also try emotionally bonding with others, giving and (trying to) "receive" so as to reinforce others' sense of self-worth and ego as well ... but I experience great injustices in life, due to either my lack of social skills (or perhaps, resourcefulness?) I feel like an alien. I have also often been told throughout life that I naturally appear very arrogant before I even open my mouth, and as if I THINK I know it all - which I know I DON'T and do not see myself that way at all. When I do "shine" before others, they think I'm a neverending source of goodies for their taking, and that every task is "too easy" for me. I don't know how to eradicate these perceptions. Even demonstrating my need and faults does no good. Most of the time it feels like no one cares for my welfare but me, despite my caring for others through the assistance and gifts I have sacrificially given throughout life. (Whenever I do give, it seems I inadvertantly create a spectacle of myself in the perception of others. I don't get it.) If you have any ideas or similar experiences with any of this, please help and share your thoughts. I'm in a deep cognitive hole I need to emerge from, and my life is getting damn near un-DO-able - the fluidity of daily activity and work (i.e., Te functioning) is running out completely, if that makes any sense. E.g., it's a wonder I even have access to the internet to post this. -- Used, drowning, alien INTp |
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| A4 I actually experienced something like this several years ago, and it really was very draining. What helped were many factors. I will try to name those that might help you, too. First, I agree with A1. Try discovering what people suit you most, needn't be only your Duals, even if it was only one person who acknowledges your work, and develop your relationships with them, try to concentrate on their language of love for you. Maybe they express it all the time, only in a way you don't focus on much? (In case you were interested, Socionics explains this, and a book called Five Languages of Love.) Don't waste your time and energy on people whom you'll never click with, except the ones that you have to and the ones you want to help for the sheer joy of helping. Second, try to decide exactly how much time and effort you will dedicate to which project. Third, I agree with A2. Plus there are good and easy-to-read psychology books on Boundaries that I would recommend, and M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. They are about setting boundaries in relationships, in what people expect from you and what you expect from them, and about personal responsibility. For me as an ESFp it was very hard to go through them but now they help me a lot in managing my relationships and expectations, and also in understanding the world. Fourth, if you feel like drained maybe take a small holiday somewhere far from people? Fifth, these kinds of feelings are actually sometimes caused by some hormonal problems. In my case, it actually turned up that my feeling "vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas" was partly caused by hypothyreosis. So maybe try taking also this possibility into account? Sixth, I learned to look at myself from outside as if someone who loves me was looking at me and was making friendly fun of me. That immediately returns me back to reality, to a friendly reality, when I am down. And seventh, I realized that when I was giving without joy, without my whole heart being in it, it actually didn't have much of a result because the people sensed it. So I still enjoy doing something for people but I only do it when I really, really feel I will enjoy it. This may seem a bit selfish but the result is decrease in quantity, but increase of quality. -- Ezis (ESFp) |
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