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| Question #1243108619 | Saturday, 23-May-2009 |
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| So as an ISTp, I would like some clarification on this reputation of "hurting" people. I'm confused.. is this physical harm? verbal? And there are different degrees of hurting... like, 'Oh gee, Sally, he told me he would call me but he didn't!' or are we talking, 'Wow, my istp boyfriend bought me a 25 cent ring for our anniversary, i'm breaking up with him!'? There are infinitely many ways to 'hurt' people and EVERYONE gets their feelings hurt.. is it all the ISTp's fault? It all just seems so irrelevant and subjective as to what constitutes this. The context in which the dirty deed is done is never fully explained, is muddy, unclear, and/or biased slander. Look, I'm an ISTp, I know my flaws, I have a super-secret emotional world and I will do what I need to do to protect it, BUT I never deliberately go out and try to hurt someone's feelings. Ever. -- Anonymous |
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| A31 thanks for a28 and 29. i mean i did a nice surprise for my istp friend back in town after 13 years. we were supposed to meet but istp was busy. anyway...istp found out i left suprise appreciation notes for them and asked me if it was me. i denied to be facetious then all of sudden istp said i can't meet. i would rather not be touch and feel uncomfortable you think so much about me-it doesn't make sense to me. thanks for respecting my feelings. then i explained...etc accused...no response... i mean it;s like over 3 years of correspondence didn't mean anything to them in 10 minutes...i mean...if they misnderstood why not ask me to explain...anyway...then i was like..fine we don't have to meet but atleast re-assure me we are still friends. but no response...then i was sad and i asked for help for a few minutes to talk..and no response etc... the last blow up was when i said you are mad and trying to hurt me cause i didn't fess up. your not mean and you don't really mean what your saying. then i wrote an article and dedicated to my friend and the istp wigged out and lashed out. since i have been scared but still wrote saying i;m sorry and pelase don't hurt me...fine i'll be away. but i miss them and want to at least talk to them once to figure it out or have them tell me directly they don't value me. i don't want to just write them off. all this istp stuff is give me some reason to not judge my friend and give them a chance. every once in a while although i commited to being out of touch....i write a note saying i am in pain and keep thinking of you and talk to you in my head to explain to you but can never get the words right. i don't know what logic to explain. i said i am enfj and like to do altruistic things for people i care about. i just wanted to make you feel special and loved for the one summer you said you were back home. for all i knew you would run off and run out of time before seeing me like the last 2 times during x-mas holidays when you said you might be by. so...anyway...i alway tried to understand my istp but it's so hard. if my istp says doesn't understand and i tried explaining so much....and made it worse cause if the istp complaint was thinking so much about them (which i only did after they said they appreciated i thought of them)... i just don't know what the logical retort to the complaint of thinking too much about someone is. i mean this was just temporary for the summer where i went all out but since there abrupt note to me...i have been so hurt that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy i try to prove i am ok...but it ends up causing me to think more about this. i don't want to give up on something important to me. it just hurts they will talk to strangers rather than me... but ironically i thought about this too much now and it is burning me out... but i feel guilty if i give up on friendship...one is supposed to be true to one's friends otherwise what is the point. i mean the istp has tried in the past whenever they come back they always say sorry even though i told them not too cause i know they don't mean anything but now since i was so hurt and they didn't come when i needed them it hurt. but i also think they don't know how to handle this situation but this is bad time i think cause my istp friend is very ambitious and is busy starting their career now. but if they live 2 miles away i don't see why a few minutes talk is such a big deal..but since this got all emotional i know it seems istps don't like to or want to deal....i mean we are both in our early 30s and the istp stuff says it takes istps into 40s to get more mature...so i mean. i just wanted a few kind words to support me as i support them by waiting for them...but it's possible my friend didn;t like me saying i thought of them each day over summer waiting to hear...this all blow happened 2 weeks before summer ended....so it was pretty clear they were not going to show again...which i expected but i did not think they would turn on me by asking me to not be in touch...it seemed so illogical and hurtful knowing i told my istp since 11/2007 that i loved them a lot. i would find typos for them in their work which they would fix...remember holidays and special days and send supporting notes...i even wrote short non emotional notes for a while cause i realized that's all they responded to. i was so blown away after the 11 month lag when the istp said they really appreciated i thought of them and would come and we could share something together...and my istp always seem to thank me for being in touch...but then to ask rather not be in touch out of the blue...it was so hurtful...it made it seem like i was crazy or a stranger...i mean ...also when i ask them to tell me if your not my friend that doesn't work either.. i thought about ultimatum but i don't have the guts for it...cause even if give it and my istp does not respond i still will care. i can't not care for a friend...it just goes against all my beliefs as a mystic and my culture and ...am so confused. i also get scared that life is short and what if i die and i never get to reconcile this misunderstanding...if the istp uld say i forgive you or just re-assure and say they still don't want to be in touch..that would be goood enough i think to move on. i just can't move on like this with abruptness and no chance for talk. i have tried and said i am moving on but i can't. it just confuses and hurts. what's my logic in this situation...i did this to make you happy...i have tried explaining..even said i was just kidding it was an inside joke ...i don't know... i just can't let it go...i have tried. i want to atleast to talk to them once but don't even know what to say after all this... -- Anonymous |
| A32 http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Should_you_feel_sorry_for_your_ex-Narcissist_who_was_mean_to_you_and_dumped_you I'm in agreement with the first response. -- Anonymous |
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A33 I didn't read at the lengthy posts, but at the op: I have 3 very close ISTps in my life  and 2 not so close. The hurting that socionics write about only really shows in close relationships. And it's not physical! I guess the degree, form and frequency of hurting others depends on the individual, but what they all have in common is that it is some form of test of the relationship. Maybe hurt is a bit too strong a word in most cases. It's more like the ISTp's putting the other part off in some way and then observing the reaction. They want the other person to prove that they love them in spite of this (but proved in the way that the ISTp wants it to be proved. this can be a bit annoying). So yeah, I see it as a test of the strength of the other persons feelings towards the ISTp. Uh and it doesn't have to hurt. It can also be some weird request and then the ISTp will simply observe wether you do or you don't. You would think that this stops when the relationship is well old and tested. But it doesn't! Every now and again my ISTps will do these little tests ha go figure. Maybe it is when I haven't shown enough Fi in a while, but there is a reason it's called Fi and not flippin' Fe dammit. Anywho, that's how I see it... hope it helps -- enfp happy with ISTps |
| A34 I've noticed this, I had to interact a lot with an istp in school and at first everything was civil and fine, teasing was common but the longer they knew me the more vicious the teasing became, until I finally I completely snapped on them and they never did it again. Still, even after we became friends I was often blown off or they would pretend not to care about me in front of other people, no matter how much they tripped over their feet to get my attention if I was ignoring them or sweet they seemed in private. As for ISTps ending a relationship that isn't working promptly and efficiently, I think that might only apply to mature ISTps. The friend made a move and then just seemed to freak out, I gave them plenty of space and later made sure they were reassured I liked them, since they seemed awfully insecure. Turns out they'd known the whole time, just fishing for compliments it seems without giving any reassurance in return. They let me sit for several months (during which I again, gave them plenty of space and time) before I finally got tired of waiting and basically forced them to answer, it was no, of course. At the time I was too sad to be angry or to confront them but eventually I became so furious at being treated badly and blown off I cut off the friendship. I don't think this behavior applies to all ISTps but it does exist. -enfp -- Anonymous |
| A35 Agree with A33. The ISTp in my life does these little tests on me pretty regularly. But I'm sure if I confronted directly he'd deny up and down. Sometimes the ISTp will not do something he said he would do. Other times he will do something he knows bothers me because I've told him so. Once he did something really bad, but thankfully I don't think he meant it as a test. He also seems to be trying to make me jealous sometimes. Nothing too major but just little stuff to gauge my reaction. I don't really like feeling tested all the time, but I am an Fi user so I don't think I could reassure him enough for his taste. (I think ISTps need lots of reassurance but they hate that about themselves!) -ESFp -- Anonymous |
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