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Questions & Answers |
Question #1243108619 | Saturday, 23-May-2009 |
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So as an ISTp, I would like some clarification on this reputation of "hurting" people. I'm confused.. is this physical harm? verbal? And there are different degrees of hurting... like, 'Oh gee, Sally, he told me he would call me but he didn't!' or are we talking, 'Wow, my istp boyfriend bought me a 25 cent ring for our anniversary, i'm breaking up with him!'? There are infinitely many ways to 'hurt' people and EVERYONE gets their feelings hurt.. is it all the ISTp's fault? It all just seems so irrelevant and subjective as to what constitutes this. The context in which the dirty deed is done is never fully explained, is muddy, unclear, and/or biased slander. Look, I'm an ISTp, I know my flaws, I have a super-secret emotional world and I will do what I need to do to protect it, BUT I never deliberately go out and try to hurt someone's feelings. Ever. -- Anonymous |
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A15 It's been my experience that ISTps will start out any relationship, romantic or otherwise, just fine. People tend to keep their emotional distance when you first meet someone. ISTps though, take longer than every other personality type to feel comfortable enough to open up to someone. So when the other person in a relationship starts bombarding the ISTp with all of their feelings, the ISTp reacts harshly. In younger ISTps, they'll make fun of the person, snide comments, that sort of thing. Older ISTps just retreat into themselves and ignore the other party. When the two parties are forced to be around each other, such as in a work situation, they'll generally hate each other for a while. The ISTp will hate the other party because they're sticking their nose where it doesn't belong, and the other party hates the ISTp because they're so cold and distant and/or downright mean. And then something happens. Some event, either a team project or just a conversation where some sort of agreement happens. It's non-verbal, and you'll never know when it happens, but then the ISTp will deem the other party trustworthy. They've survived the ISTps cold shoulder, surpassed the gauntlet, and then the ISTp feels comfortable enough to open up. We never set out to hurt someone's feelings, and nobody sets out to hurt ours. ISTps just need a longer acclimation time. When we're rushed, we're very, very cold people. We come up with the nastiest one-liners, the meanest insults you can think of, and we're really good at ignoring you. That's where the reputation comes from. -- Anonymous |
A16 I think it's about that thing of "brutal" honesty and saying things the way you feel with no hesitations. Sometimes it may fall into not tactful language and it may hurt some sensiblities. -- José D. |
A17 do istps hurt people to show they care? if an istp lashes out and walks away does that mean they care? if left alone do they return. does silence and no response mean they appreciate the note secretly? how come they never acknowledge past affections? if they refuse to say they don't love you does it mean they do? -- Anonymous |
A18 i recently ended a loving, long-term, committed relationship, causing a great amount of sadness and pain on both sides. this was not something i did to test her loyalty to me or to keep her from gaining access to my "secrets" or my inner sanctum. it was for two reasons: first, i knew that the relationship was an ongoing stress on my psyche and at some point, my personal strength would run out. by this i mean that no matter how deeply i loved her, her emotional needs were beyond what i could provide. i think in a healthy loving relationship, there should be some sacrifice, but there needs to be a natural compatibility where each side is in possession of, and willing and able to share what the other needs. i could not meet her needs and the stress was tearing at us week by week. second, if i didn't, she would have to, and the anguish of being the willing terminator of a deep and passionate love likely would have been so great that our schism would have been permanent and even more destructive to us than it ended up being. i think a mature istp is willing to make the cuts, and promptly, when he knows that his delicacy and insights will make a better result of a necessary evil. hence, being a frequent cause of pain to loved ones. those who are extroverted may value more greatly their appearance or social responsibilities. the feeling driven may let their emotional connections blind them to the need to sever unhealthy ties. many of the other types would seek to nurse a dying relationship, or produce a facade to mask the potential failure. many might address the problem with neglect, or if choosing to proceed as reality and rationale dictate may be either too blunt or too timid when the cut must be made. the artisan's mind is a cutting tool which takes only what it needs, and strives to minimize suffering, casualties and waste. -- Anonymous |
A19 Your words resonate with me as a fellow ISTp. I have ended relationships for similar reasons, but I still wonder If we aren't the ones creating our own demons. Can we ever be happy? Are just too incapable of giving, participating, and sharing? -- Anonymous |
A20 when you are int this mode is there anything that can be done to show support and bring you back... being on the other side other than saying i'll wait for you...i cna't seem to think of anything else to do...or just keep checking in maybe every 6 months to see if uncomfort is gone...or worth a try..i can agree to get emotional needs met elsewhere and to more realistic expectations...but is there anything that can be done to help you istps...consider..it seems being nicer and doing things or giivng makes you all mad...please advise someone who is trying to help...and knows istps can be happy but ...so confused with non communication...also is phone call not a way to save things..is thre any thing that can re-assure...what's the big deal...behind all this fear and uncomfort.. -- Anonymous |
A21 Well, feeling is one of ur least developed functions, whether u like it or not. You probably express ur opinion without realising u'r hurting someone. If u express a judgment maybe explain why u think that or leave things open for discussion. And sometimes people are focused so much on keeping themselves happy that people around them feel vulnerable. I don't kno if this makes sense or if u understand this, but that's just my take. -- Anonymous |
A22 is it a bad idea to ask ISTP who has stormed off/pushed away etc to let you know within 30 days whether they are still your friend? if not what is a good way to phrase it that does not sound controlling or pushy... -- Anonymous |
A23 A22: Depends on the circumstances. -- ISTp |
A24 what circumstances? what are the issues? man why do istps have to be so weird...why can't people just talk stuff through...what is the big deal ...what's the fear... if an istp does not care they should be able to talk things through...to me it seems they would only weird out if they really care...but you all istps seem like aliens, -- Anonymous |
A25 Seriously? You want to give him a friendship deadline? An ISTP won't answer (at least not in words you want to hear). First off, He won't care to label your relationship, and won't respond by a particular arbitrary date. If you've ****ed him off, getting back into his good graces probably requires little more than a heart-felt appology, or an explaination about whatever caused the conflict. Best to just keep your distance, letting him know that you see that things became over-exagerated, and just wait. He will be quick to forgive. -- Anonymous |
A26 is asking for proof of friendship bad then? i mean if your istp friend just does not understand...why you care so much...and no amount of explaining helps...what to do? when tried to say bye forever the istp said they appreciated i thought of them and now seem to have flipped out. nothing seems to work...explaining makes it worse i think. even tried sending istp data. is it better to just wait and ask them to hang out and not dwell on past in the future..in a similar blow up a while back it toook 11 months before istp responded and that too when i said good luck and bye....so confusing istps...you guys are nuts... -- Anonymous |
A27 is there anyway to get istp to help...why won;t they help when misunderstanding flairs up even if you beg and pleade...don't they feel anything...why is a note or even a few moments of reassurance too much....it almost feels like they don't want you to get over them or something... -- Anonymous |
A28 a27, try reasoning with them logically, if they think they're right you either have to concede or show them they're wrong, as they think logically, and if they think they are right, then why would they sacrifice the logic? If you can't do that, give them some space, that maybe will work. -- Anonymous |
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A29 Well, obviously when I say the 'circumstances' I mean the reasons why he 'stormed off/pushed away.' I would find it intrusive if someone tried to speed things up or gave an ultimatum in that manner 11 months without speaking is a bit much, though, so it's understandable. If that person's still open to conversation with you, it might help to figure out his motivations for acting the way he does as well as giving him insight into yours. Personally, I'm not averse to that and if this person who you label as ISTp is then he's immature, simply put, and that has nothing to do with socionics. If you've done that, then there's really no helping it - he just doesn't value your friendship as much as you do his. I would let go of all of it - there's no use in putting that much effort into someone who doesn't reciprocate and gives you that much undue stress. -- ISTp |
A30 if istp says they would rather not be in touch and feel uncomfortable you think about them so much. thanks for respecting my feelings..is that anger or a push away...especially if it comes after waiting for them all summer and telling them you waited each to hear from them... -- Anonymous |
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