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| Question #1243108619 | Saturday, 23-May-2009 |
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| So as an ISTp, I would like some clarification on this reputation of "hurting" people. I'm confused.. is this physical harm? verbal? And there are different degrees of hurting... like, 'Oh gee, Sally, he told me he would call me but he didn't!' or are we talking, 'Wow, my istp boyfriend bought me a 25 cent ring for our anniversary, i'm breaking up with him!'? There are infinitely many ways to 'hurt' people and EVERYONE gets their feelings hurt.. is it all the ISTp's fault? It all just seems so irrelevant and subjective as to what constitutes this. The context in which the dirty deed is done is never fully explained, is muddy, unclear, and/or biased slander. Look, I'm an ISTp, I know my flaws, I have a super-secret emotional world and I will do what I need to do to protect it, BUT I never deliberately go out and try to hurt someone's feelings. Ever. -- Anonymous |
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| A8 ISTps that behave as described in A1 are rather young and therefore romantically inexperienced and emotionally immature. And because of that they probably won't admit doing anything of the sort thats mentioned in A1. Why? Because (a) admitting it requires thinking about it, which might not exactly be one their most pleasant memories. It is stressful (it triggers a negative emotion - guilt), so their brain tries to repress the memory because stressful memories produces toxic substances in the brain. (b) To them (mostly romantic) relationships are not that satisfying (as of yet) to their emotional needs and is therefore 'not worthy of energy' (no rewards guaranteed) as compared to other *productive* activities, hobbies, space, time etc that has guaranteed rewards and is usually instantaneously gratifying. This is usually a result of previously invested relationship(s) ending badly, in a sense that it left them frustrated, confused, hurt and deeply unsatisfied. Their own carefully built castle of hopes and expectations got shattered and they usually won't admit that. Rejection not only caused them to suffer quietly but it also brought in a negative toxic element - a bashful feeling, that became linked subconsciously to their *romantic emotions* in general. Which makes them avoid "those feelings" (if they can help it) atleast for the "time being." 'There is no hope in investing (time, energy, emotions) in something that I clearly can not count on.' becomes their mentality. Despair caused by the false thinking 'There is a very very small chance of me ever being emotionally satisfied and my needs ever being met, so why even bother?' kicks in, hurting their chances of actually reaching that goal and sadly, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. One night stands is seems like "alternative" to the deep intimacy every human needs. It seems like a "realistic" goal that is "actually attainable" and instantly gratified (no waiting around for some abstract conceptual reward or happiness that may or may not come in their view) in comparison with a relationship. c) taking responsibility for doing that is also a bruise to their ego - admitting it to themselves even, means failure to come through something that is implicitly promised (now this can be very well blamed on the other person as they were not assertive and clear in determining *what* is their relationship, and then *assuming* without concrete evidence that there is an interest from the other person (our ISTp) as more than hook up buddies or just friends.... with benefits), and to satisfy them emotionally (since they never were satisfied and sort of 'gave up' on the notion that they ever will be). And the belief that the less they put into a (potentially romantic) relationship, the less likely they are to feel hurt later. d) they simply don't want to deal with such emotions right now especially since their emotional maturity is equivalent to a five year old and their emotions might be based on impulses rather than well and thoroughly thought out feelings and thoughts which would cause them to not be be sure of their decisions and keep their options open (if they can help it) rather than making a firm decision. As ISTps are usually enneagram type 5 I included a passage(s) from this -> http://theenneagram.blogspot.com/2007/09/type-5.html website. "INTEGRATION (FIVE GOES TO HEALTHY EIGHT): As Fives begin to understand the emotional cost of their self-imposed isolation, they begin to risk deeper, more complete, contact with themselves and with the world. They become more grounded, more in touch with their bodies and their life energy, giving them more confidence and solidity. As this process deepens, integrating Fives naturally begin to express many qualities of the healthy Eight: they demonstrate leadership, courage, practical wisdom, and the willingness to take responsibility. They move from Feeling small and powerless to feeling grounded and capable. Their knowledge and insight are then in service to objective needs in their world, and they are sought by others as sources of wisdom, compassion, and quiet strength.
Wake-Up Call -> Awareness of withdrawing from reality into concepts and mental worlds—so that they can rise to a profound and objective understanding of how reality really is." "SECURITY (FIVES GOES TO AVERAGE EIGHT): Most often, if Fives feel that others are intruding on them or imposing their wills, they will simply leave quietly if they can or shut down into a detached, disdainful silence. With people or situations in which they have more confidence, however, Fives may suddenly risk behaving like average Eights, forcefully asserting their boundaries and confronting anyone or anything that displeases them. They become feisty, argumentative, and relentlessly provocative. In this mode, they take a tough stance, putting everyone on notice that they cannot be trifled with, but in ways that often cause people to react against them. They may become domineering, even aggressive, while questioning others' competency. " <- thats a start!!! this stage! "Fives grow by recognizing that real confidence lies not simply in intellectual mastery but in putting themselves out into the world. Fives usually derive their confidence through the development of their minds, but they really need to bring balance to their psyches by developing a deeper relationship with their bodies and feelings. Growth for a Five requires allowing themselves to see how estranged they are from their actual living selves and acknowledging all of the deep needs that they have denied since early childhood. Fives actually feel things deeply, but they are extremely restrained in their ability to express their feelings. Developing trust of others, sharing what they are experiencing, and identifying with their feelings are all crucial for them to blossom fully as human beings. All of this becomes much easier when Fives are grounded in their bodies." -- Anonymous |
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| A9 "So when we do lay out the truth at times, trying to tiptoe around others EGOs as much as possible all our lives, others think we're being "cruel" for being truthful" Thats ironic because I feel that way the most while around ISTps. -- Anonymous |
| A10 "In this mode, they take a tough stance, putting everyone on notice that they cannot be trifled with, BUT in ways that often *Cause people to react Against them*." You can say THAT again. Not helping. Seriously. No. It makes ISTp Lovers into ISTp Haters permanently. no joke. -- enfp |
| A11 BTW in A8 by 'spending time' I mean spending/committing time wholly . Texting while out could spend some time (but not in the context I used in A8,) but it is done leisurely while actually committing time to something else like class, hanging out with other people etc. so its not committing time. I was talking to a counsellor once and he made an excellent point about how spending time for someone - as in spending 2 hours a day at their own pace leisurely - does not show enough dedication and willingness as spending time with someone. Both important in their own ways but clearly the second one is too important to be replaced by something else. I just wish some people would grow up enough to admit their own faults without pointing out some purely dumb loopholes and excuses, and blaming others for their shortcomings. -- Anonymous |
A12 A10 - I sorta agree, I think talking about it first is a better solution than scheming a "notice", and A11 - I think ISTps are extremely capable of practically anything usually more than any other type, with their strong will power and high focusing abilities and intelligence; but sometimes we gotta realize that it's no good going to fire for cool and ice for warmth. Everybody is different with different needs, and different people are comfortable and willing to give different things. Life is like a big ol' jigsaw puzzle, and we just need to find the right pieces to connect to  -- Anonymous |
| A13 ISTps take a very businesslike approach towards relationships. They shun casual contacts and show ups without set up appointments that don't have an explicit point. They are HIGHLY disappointed by anything less than a completely well prepared (and well rehearsed) speech if someone dares (in their minds its really daring of the other person to the point they are very VERY annoyed by it) to approach them, and they show it. All relationships seem to have a specific purpose that they must focus on. For example - a romantic relationship means to 'go out on dates' and ofcourse the 'getting laid'. Other little things like on the way moment precious talks, simple low key hanging out humbly that would obviously beat staying at the world's most expensive hotel in dubai or something any given day seems to serve no value to them. After some sweet and casual the other person likes, they refuse any suggestions of casual and disappear for years until a purpose comes along thats more than the trivial sweet and casual things they show in some absolutely STUPID and HORRID chick flick that ONLY girls and the soppy guys that never get laid watch. They need to see extreme reactions from their partners and they don't care if its positive or negative. In a relationship all they are concerned about is them making an impression in their partner's mind. They don't care about relationships with girls that don't get them laid. They would never love and care about a girl enough to wait as sex is the only thing that makes them feel worthwhile. -- Anonymous |
| A14 Oh and for them listening and supporting someone who is feeling down is a complete waste of their time as there is a LOT of WAY more important things that they'd rather be doing. Which might also be explicitly profitable. -- Anonymous |
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