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Question #1242024060Monday, 11-May-2009
Category: ENFp ISTp Relationship
I have a question. I was in a long-term relationship with an ISTp for about a year. It was perfect. We NEVER fought or hurt each other, we never got tired of each other and the only thing that was bothering me was that she didn't open up to me very often. But I still loved her and we got along just well, until one day when I got an email from her where she broke up with me. She said that it didn't work out between us but also stated that she didn't wanted to lose me, because she cared too much about me. I was crushed. Out of nowhere she just wanted to be friends with me and nothing more.. And the next day she called me and asked how I was doing, sounding like everything was OK between us. That ****ed me off! I started to ignore her and went out with another girl. We stopped speaking to each other after that. But it took only about a month when she again started to call me, asking how I was doing. It's been 6 months now and she still keeps calling me now and again, but it's hard to forget her when she calls me every week. The worst thing is, I still have feelings for for her. My question is WHY do ISTp-s do such things and is it ever possible to sustain a normal relationship between ENFp and ISTp? Also, is this common for ISTp-s to keep in touch with their ex-boyfriends like this? -- ENFP
Your Answers: 1+ 9+
A1 So sorry you are going through this. I'm an ISTP guy and have done this many times. Guess it's the moth - flame thing, but the moth gets that it's getting hot and backs off. The trick for you is to reconnect and let the ISTP think it's her idea. We are independent and hate to give up control of ourselves. All guys like to have some control, and she will get that better than most. It'm more about that leap into the darkness that rattles the ISTP. She is probably regretting her decision to run, but won't admit or be made to feel like she blew it. Just be patient and understanding. Invite her out to do things together that will let both of you focus on the event more than the relationship. She is afraid to commit because to an ISTP, commitment means locking into one course. no way out, no back-up plan. Whatever you do, don't mention "the relationship!" -- Anonymous
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A2 A1 goodluck trying to find your miss compatible who will settle for doing "things together that will let both of you focus on the event more than the relationship." As far as I know, ENFps love attention on THEM and things concerning them and less on the 'event.' And ENTps like to be treated like princesses. The few ISTps I know are the first ones to suggest leaping from 'friends' to 'more' and the new generation way to make it 'official.' Man they should have subcategories for these types. One more way for girls (esp those who dont like challenges when it comes to guys) can avoid commitment phobic men lol jkjk -- Anonymous
A3 I have an ENFp friend who used to be in a serious relationship with an ISTp girl. She was pretty committed and never wanted to break up with him or never played make believe pretend break up but she had issues related to jealousy. He used to be notorious for having two "girlfriends" at a time just for the heck of it a lot of times and dated a lot of girls around the time they met and became very good friends. They would just sit at the beach for like 6 hours everyday and talk about random stuff. He said that was one of the best times he's experienced. She was his first serious girlfriend and assured to her he wouldn't do the same to her because he knew how hurt she would be and he actually cared a lot for her. And then he came to college and he used to call her and they talked on the phone every single night, but then he became more and more busy so then he called her every 3 days later on. He's always loved the clubs and went there 4 nights of the weeks. He would never even grind on a girl and refuse advances because he loved his gf back home and was sincerely committed. Everytime he called, she would be like "which girl are you with?" or "I know you're with another girl" and he felt mad, sad and drained trying to convince to her every other day that he is not with anybody else which was proving to be impossible anyways since she seemed to have her mind set. So after being really tired and fed up with the constant drama he broke up with her and closed all ties because he believed thats best for her too. He finds relationships in general to be very draining, negative and hopeless now. She always wanted them to get back together and still does but there is a problem with distance as well, and his state of mind is "I don't ever want to get married... the only reason I'd ever want to marry is to have kids.. thats it." I have a feeling theyre gonna end up together in the end... -- Anonymous
A4 I think I know a girl who is an ISTP. She has a really hard time making up her mind, and is always jumping from place to place, job to job, dream to dream. ISTPs for the most part don't seem to play games. It seems like this girl still cares for you, but maybe doesn't want to be 'committed'. I'm an INFP, so I can relate with the fear of commitment.. I think because I'm a Perceiver, and also an Introvert, makes it hard to express what I want out of a relationship. -- Anonymous
A5 I am also an ENFP and I'm currently experiencing the same thing. Yes, ISTPs do keep in touch no matter how long it has been. My 'friend' said it was because he was very sentimental.. and I noticed that everything we do together stays very detailed in their minds, unlike us ENFPs who only takes in the realizations or ideas out of it. As A3 said he was also very jealous, I think its because being an Introvert he sees things as being the "world" and him so everything that happens to him he takes in very, very, personally. As of yesterday my istp friend still tries to keep in touch though i don't know for how long.. He did moved on from our friend (who happens to be crazy for him) fairly fast though in my case it seems he doesn't... must be the 'duality' element. ) -- elle
A6 A5: Yes ISTps seem to be greatly affected by their own experiences more than ENFps. For example, one ISTp I know liked a girl in high school so he charmed her and they got together for a couple years. She however hurt him a lot by being extremely careless of him and his feelings and would just go and sleep with random guys and come to him and say "Oh I just did this" without any remorse. They finally broke up in college (they both ended up in the same uni) and would meet up sometimes. And then he found someone else he liked, and he pursued her even though she already had a bf (but wasn't all that happy) and she broke up with her bf and started a relationship with the ISTp in a week. Now he says that he is confident that he can charm a girl but he's not confident that he can keep her and that ending up alone in life is his worst fear. And another ISTp I know was sorta betrayed by someone in high school (who probably had some bad intentions like trying to make someone else jealous or to take advantage of him for something trivial and dumb like dinner money) and now can't seem to ever start a relationship. I learned to think about what highly unpleasant thing happened to me and what I learned from it and how can I use that experience to my benefit. That way I'd feel happier that I learned something new so that i wouldn't go through that again. How would you feel if some girl you really like had a disastrous past and because of that wouldn't go for you or give a chance to you even after years because she keeps thinking you're just like the guy in her past even after trying so hard to make her understand that you're not like that? It's like how a baby keeps trying to walk happily after falling again and again. Because babies are smart. It knows that just because it fell the first time, it doesn't mean it will again... and even if it does fall the first 100 times, it doesn't mean it will the 101st time either. -- Anonymous
A7 Thanks A1, your so right! -- ENFp who <3's an ISTp
A8 My experience as an enfp is that istps are afraid of intimacy, even if they love someone. Unless an istp can reach out and respond in a healthy way, you will end up pulling out your hair trying to get them to open up. -- Anonymous
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