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Question #1239777705Wednesday, 15-Apr-2009
Category: ISTp Hidden Agenda Love Relationship
Ok so the ISTP hidden agenda is to love. But they are bad at expressing feelings. What qualities would a person have that makes the ISTP completely comfortable to love? They often have pets that they absolutely adore, is it because the pet cannot possible reject them? If so, do you need to express your needs and your weaknesses and your love towards in order to allow them to love you? (ENFP here) -- Anonymous
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A1 It's a very simple principle; the right person will bring about the desire to love from the ISTp. If you aren't the right person, then you won't bring out their desire to love. -- INTj laddie
A2 ISTp values truth and want to be truthful even though it may hurt; they do not like pretense. They value equality disliking those that patronize; they hate being made to feel stupid. They also like attention being paid to them although they may not seek it; they like praise when they earn it. -- I/O
A3 My take on ISTps is that some of them just need an ESFj to set them straight and teach them a lesson by using the same impulsively hurting each other tactic. The one i know just never learn not to hurt the people that had become attached to him. I have an ESFj friend (she is awesome i love her), and she knows just how exactly to hurt the ISTp who is very very hurtful and not worth a freaking penny or time. I bet some of you ISTps are getting turned on from thinking about just how much you hurt the person you love. Or justify why you did the "right" thing by hurting them. Honestly, some of them are so bad, i feel terribly bad for their girl/boyfriends and spouses. Hopefully my next ISTp boyfriend (if hes ISTp, although it seems more likely than other types since theres currently 3 ISTps that have been showing interest in me ) loathes to hurt their loved ones.. and would actually make sure they dont get hurt severely by doing or not doing certain things -- ENFp
A4 That's a pretty one-sided and self-serving analysis A3. Did the ISTps in question ever communicate in no uncertain terms that their intention was to hurt someone? -- INTj laddie
A5 I tried to be vulnerable before one was to me, and i got rubbed in the face by it. and if i say something that they dont like and unintentionally "hurt" them, they immediately get mean and hurtful towards me. they also tend to tell their friends how they are pursued without them even doing anything. they also do things and want to know things that they dont in turn want to be done or share like what have they done in the past for example. god what hypocrites. i could go on all day, but who wants to talk or hear about a lamo anyway. -- Anonymous
A6 "could go on all day, but who wants to talk or hear about a lamo anyway." Obviously you do. -- INTj laddie
A7 A3 sounds like a deeply exaggerated misperception. Valuing Fe is about "saving face"/keeping appearances; it's not the end of the world if an Fe-valuer is exposed for being less than what they might be posing to be; as a matter of fact, it is an honest and necessary demasking to keep THEM in the line of truth. We're all in the same boat, and most "pretenses" are simply that - self-exalting lies. Love and honesty go hand-in-hand: if you can't be honest about who you are, you don't deserve the affections - it's false if it's based on a lie. -- ISTP
A8 I feel like the way people use hurt is very open ended. The subjective interpretation of its meaning usually just sets ISTps up for stereotyping, for example A3's post. -- ISTp
A9 How on earth can you tell if an ISTP loves you!?! -- Anonymous
A10 @A7 - ISTps very very often think they are being lied to when in fact, the other person is telling the truth. Some of them take on the "duty" to extract the truth by means like hurting them when they have no right to. I've known ISTps to instantly take revenge just because they are told something that they do not want to hear. Before they even think rationally about how fair what the other person did or said was. And what's the big deal if people lie to themselves to feel good or to have a positive atmosphere around them, especially when the truth is going to do NO good to anyone? Having false hope is a perfect example of this, we NEED to give ourselves hope whether or not is a lie. -- A3
A11 A3......... WOW!!! im an istp and i do everything you say we istp's do. I cant really speak for all istp's but i'm sure the one that hurt you didnt set out to hurt you for no reason. even though the reason maybe wasnt true or real.. like thinking you were lying when you werent.. they really would have just felt really insecure and not been able to cope with loving you and then feeling so threatened and they lashed out as a defence mechanism and then rationalised how they felt and would genuinely felt sorry and given you love. it doesnt make it okay.. but at the same time, maybe with the next istp just give a bit more reassurance and love when you notice they are getting stressed out. it will save you both in the end. oh and it made me laugh when you said they tell all their friends you persued them without them doing anything.. hahaha i do that!! i guess we dont want to show other people how much we care. but if we are dating you. we care. -- Anonymous
A12 Yeah, I now think ISTps make good friends and hang out/drinking buddies, not lovers. At least for me. -- A3
A13 Being an ENFp you should know that there is no such thing as 'bad at expressing feelings.' Feelings are feelings and expression is expression. And ISTp need to realize they are not bad at anything like they seem to think. ISTps are usually enneagram type 5 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fives_(Enneagram_of_Personality) and If you scroll down to look at the levels, you will see it talks about this misconception some ISTps have. -- Anonymous
A14 OK, now wait a minute. I understand that this is a personality website, and that ISTPs can be contrary at times, but I've never met one who wasn't a good person at heart. They make loyal friends, and will come to the defense of others in times of trouble. They may have trouble committing and may not place emphasis on emotional connections, but that doesn't mean they don't have them. Relationships are tricky for everyone, so let's not jump to conclusions that ISTPs aren't caring and wanting the same long-term happiness that all of us seek. They just need more time, space, and reassurance. -- Anonymous
A15 I agree with A12. -- Anonymous
A16 Hey, I don't know if anyone is stil discussing/reading this, but I wanted to give my feedback anyway just in case it could be helpful. I am SUCH an ISTP, there is no gray area or question about it, and I know that I have been very confusing, specifically in my dating relationships. So for anyone who is dating or trying to figure out an ISTP, I will tell you that it's very important to look only at the ISTP's consistent actions to determine how they feel about you, because you may never get the true message if you rely on their words or whatever else. First of all, for me at least, expressing myself verbally is frustrating because I can never be sure that I am being accurately understood by the other person. I can talk all day long and share my thoughts about anything else, but when it comes to revealing myself or my feelings, I feel so uncomfortable because it's too personal and who I am is too important to me, for me to be willing to risk accidently giving off any other impression besides the exact version going on in my mind. If I really care about someone, I will make any effort necessary to maintain the relationship-I'll show up. I'll consistently be available, 100% loyal and honest. Like if I have to move mountains, I'll figure it out. As long as I feel like my need to be alone sometimes isn't threatened, I will do whatever it takes to be together. And it really is all about what the ISTP is DOING, because we don't have a strong connection to our feelings on an emotional level, it's deeply physical and it's hard to describe with words. Like if I'm sad, my heart literally hurts in my chest, my stomach is knotted up and nauseous, my body feels sad and heavy, even the colors I see look a little bit dull. It's freakin weird, and how do explain that and make any kind of sense? I also think the commitment-phobic thing is only true if the ISTP is with the wrong person, because for me, when the person is right and I still have my space I'm not going anywhere. That's why I think the key here is to pay attention to consistency, because I always say/do what I mean-in that exact moment-but I change my mind a lot so whatever I said or did in 1 isolated incident is only good for then; it means absolutely nothing about the how I'll feel later on. An ISTP who is really into you will not flake out or be hot and cold, they may not pour on romantic poetry, but they will show you how they feel by the way they treat you. -- Anonymous
A17 "Like if I'm sad, my heart literally hurts in my chest, my stomach is knotted up and nauseous, my body feels sad and heavy, even the colors I see look a little bit dull." it doesnt have to be that way... I used to distract myself from sad feelings a lot by just thinking about something happy or indulging in a fantasy about a happy future or rather looking at the big picture - from a futuristic standpoint that all these little things wont matter in the longrun. But it does matter.. a lot because the little outburst of unpleasant emotions ARE my emotions which are important because its a part of who i am and theyre not going anywhere. So then i started by Accepting my feelings however "flawed" they logically seemed to me. I let myself feel a certain way pushing aside the critical logic that claimed feelings are irrational, unimportant and a waste of time. i started pampering my emotions And then I went on to Understanding them and Freeing them... loved them. my advice to anyone having a similar problem would be to love yourself, become cynical of cynicism (if that makes sense) and really love yourself fully and completely and loving every single thing about yourself which includes your deep dark or otherwise emotions. And watch how the doors to a new beautiful horizon opens up and fills you up with warm light. Only then can you happily love someone else AND only then you would allow someone else to love you. -- Anonymous
A18 I agree strongly with A1 -- ISTP
A19 A16 is dead-on. A17 totally missed the point and invalidated the very real experience which ISTPs have no control over when it comes to HOW they feel emotions in their body, regardless of mental tricks and imagery, etc. -- Anonymous
A20 INFj...somehow like a pet. -- ISTp
A21 A20- are you saying that INFJ's are like pets because they will never reject you? Please say more. -- INFJ
A22 an istp will love you if you can prove your trustworthyness.they respect honesty and are damn right to expect it. enfp. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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