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Question #1234309021Tuesday, 10-Feb-2009
Category: INTj Love
How are INTjs like in love? Are we more likely to fall in love through our heads first, rather than our hearts? I know I tend to freeze up near a love interest and become way more careful with my words. Anyone has a similar experience? -- needs improvement
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A1 In my experience as an INTj, falling in love is normally handled by the inferior extraverted feeling, and it is something that intrudes on the more intellectual inclinations of the INTj. So I would say that we fall in love more with the heart than with the head. Generally, the INTj in love will not be a smooth-talking Casanova. He is more likely to be like Charlie Brown with the little red-haired girl. He may sometimes love from afar without even getting the nerve to talk to her. Of course, reactions will vary with circumstances and life experience. I have been much more confident when I know the woman I love is into me than when what I feel is unrequited. -- Fergus
A2 As a fellow INTj, I must say that relationships (and interacting with people in general, for that matter) are the hardest part of my life. I find it extremely difficult to make any sort of connection with anybody, much less a romantic connection. Everything on the web tells us that INTjs look for a person that fits their "criteria" of how a significant other SHOULD be. It become difficult for people who don't know what to look for in a mate. The difficulty escalates when a suitable partner is found, but communication cannot be generated smoothly. It really sucks, but we're essentially predetermined to fail socially, it's just the way things are. That's not always the case, but keep in mind we (as INTjs) are a minority to begin with, we share a great many traits among the number of us collected here. Just hope that your partner likes you enough to further a meaningful relationship with you. Unfortunately for us, there's no way to engineer love. -- Anonymous
A3 2 words: Animated and mobilized. If you picture usual INTj then this would be quite a transformation, lol. -- Anonymous
A4 Are you saying INTJs don't know how to be a smoothe talker-operator, I seriously doubt that if they can be "masterminds" in business, that they aren't capable of learning something as simple as smoothe talk. And I am unaware of Charlie Browns personality. Kinda Dopey wasn't he. Besides, that one book, that David Kiersey wrote claims that all the N people have a little difficulty with dating. And another source said they don't know how to flirt, which I can translate like this, they may not use traditional flirting gestures, for instance, and ENFP might just blatantly seduce someone "overboard" and scare them off or give them the wrong idea, where as another N type might just be a complete asshole or something then one type might be socially; well what does it say about enfj and social protocol; Maybe we just don't utilize the same 'ol same 'ol; step #1 wave, step 2# pause, step# 3 wink, step# 4 brush hair back, methods. I don't know!!!! Moreover, if theoretically the N function is "thinking up new ways of doing things" and you have each individual N thinking up novel ways to flirt, then they are all speaking idividually unique flirting languages unless of course one or more of those flirting languages becomes a standard trend since they create the trends supposedly. But trends come and go, but some stuff sticks around for centuries like WINKING, maybe thats why some types particularly SJs might trust those more traditional methods of picking someone up as it being more "FOOL-PROOF" And a more extroverted N might pop out a unique "LINE" like "You know there's tension between us, I think we need to just 'take it to the bedroom' or something. -- VJD
A5 In my (admittedly rather limited) experience, faking self confidence and just plunging the hell in works, because after all, the worst that will happen is rejection, and rejection by a (likely) stranger, whose opinion of you after the fact doesn't really matter. So, there is little to lose and much to gain. Being open and honest (at least as far as you understand yourself) about your feelings also helps. My advice should be tempered by the fact that I'm quite a weak INTj, at least on the T and J (I've sometimes gotten different results with different tests, but the IN I'm sure about) and my relative inexperience. -- Anonymous
A6 INTJ can fall in love quickly but will quietly evaluate their mate and only approach once sure of the person or not at all.. the other person if they notice the interest the INTJ is giving them might approach them first.. but although they may fall in love wth their hearts, finally the head has to give the all-clear.. -- INTJ female
A7 In my experience, A1, A2, and A6 have the most accurate description of an INTj in love. We fall in love with our emotions - the initial connection being formed with Fe, leading to strong Fi feelings - but feeling being subordinate to logic in the INTj, we must come to the logical conclusion that this person meets our objective standards, and the relationship has a chance at succeeding. However, even when those hurdles have been passed, we still may not do anything if there is no perceived interest from the person in question. INTjs need encouragement in order to be able to act upon our weak Feeling functions, and without that encouragement we may never do anything about it. As A2 said, relationships will very likely be the most difficult part of any INTj's life. -- Krig (INTj)
A8 @A4 - Kiersey and MBTI are not the same thing as socionics. Because Kiersey and MBTI type people based on external behaviour rather than internal mental processes, they don't sort people into groups as accurately as Socionics. Therefore, many of their conclusions can not be applied to socionics types. As far as INTjs go, they may know all the standard methods of flirting, etc., but due to weak Fi, they don't know the best time and way to implement those methods to obtain the best Fi reaction. There are groups out there (probably containing a high number of INTjs) who set out to systematically analyze how to flirt, etc., but most INTjs don't have time for that level of systematic analysis; they're too busy with other fields of research. -- Krig (INTj)
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A9 As an INTJ female I take issue with the concept of falling in love with my heart... I don't quite even know what that means to follow the heart around in any endeavor (side note- i am 37 and married for 17 years to an ENFP). I have always just sort of known instantly if I like a person or not. The nots are processed rather instantly and they usually know it -evil heh- and the yes-es are people I am willing to let hang around while I "decide" rationally on a sort of perpetual basis if they're are worth the continued investment. Romantically speaking though, I never really got/get that "feeling" we all hear so much about. I just "knew" when I met my husband that he was "it". There was a knowing, a thing I immediately understood and thus accepted in my head. Initially there was not a feeling consciously associated with it, more like a light went off in my head, I was like, oh yeah, this guy is perfect. Once the perfection was noted, then the excitable-ness came over me like being mugged from behind. While I can't say I have squishy feelings of love towards others, I am quite suseptable to feeling excited or zinged with others- that said,the ENFP husband annoys the hell out of me in a way that I ultimately like. Go figure... He is either on or off, when happy, angry, awake, sleepy, hungry, bord- he comes on overly strong when he does come on and I like that- I don't have to "guess" what is he really feeling/ thinking. I find this a fantastic trait. He is a keeper because he is a zinger. I get zinged with people AFTER I rationally decide that I like said persons, however, my liking is admittingly based purely on highly individualized irrational criterion- (perhaps you have a similar blend of rationalizing irrational ideals thus making the confusion about whether an intj falls with their heart or their head- my vote is we fall with our heads for stupid- cough heart felt reasons) -- Birdy-INTJ
A10 (When posting, we ask you to make the effort to qualify your opinions.) <- Has any other INTj found this statement to be amusing? It is like reminding us to breathe when we talk! Anyhow - yes, INTjs are good at conjecturing what a mate *should* be like by analyzing all the people they've seen and met. However, in the manner that we tend to gather and explain our logic first and then deduce the outcome or opinion, etc, that it most efficiently results in, finding a mate works in the same manner - that is, you have to just find the systemization of all your analytical observations you've made of people all your life all balled up in someone you already know. It becomes apparent as your mind recognizes your mate-preferences you've analyzed and deduced actually functioning in a single unit (or person) right before you. Also, as Joe Butt says: more importantly than telling you what they do know, INTjs can tell you what they *don't* know (paraphrase). So, don't worry about forcing yourself to recognize what you want actually existant in someone - just acknowledge when you *don't* see it . . . and move on to keep looking. Don't let your intuition function carry you away into thinking what you want exists in some person. You will be sure of it, or it is not a sure thing - because that is how our brains operate. P.S. - if you do wish to seek rather than observe and wait, seek an INFp or INFj. They are the best to complement our imaginations and conversational needs, but can leave you alone at the right time, support you at the right time, and appreciate you at all times. -- INFx < 3
A11 @ A10 (INFx < 3) I noticed you left out the dual and semi-dual (ESFj and ENFj) at the end of your comment. Do they have trouble with "complement our imaginations and conversational needs, but can leave you alone at the right time, support you at the right time, and appreciate you at all times" (quote from you)? I ask out of curiosity because I don't have much relationship experience (obviously because I'm an INTj....8P) Thanks -- Dragifon (INTJ!!!!!!!!!!) XD
A12 as an intj i have the following to state: chit-chat, flirting, dating, casual sex and making out all to lead to nothing and to be just done in order to be done is not the intj-love style. Not that an intj can't understand or appreciate the importance of casual sex.Seeking pleasure is a logical choice. However the benefits of casual sex are far less than the negativeness of engaging, socialising and dating an average person just for the sake of it. On the contrary my love style as intj has the following pattern : Until i get a crush on somebody (i don't say fall in love because it is too much as an expression and we intjs can even measure feelings) i don't find a point in romantically engaging her. Once i have a crush though, i am paralysed from fear of rejection and not knowing hot to handle such a situation that i do nothing. -- The Masked Jester
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