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| Question #1219077889 | Monday, 18-Aug-2008 |
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| Hello there ISTPs, I'm an ENFP female and I'm dating an ISTP guy (I'm also new to socionics so I have a whoooole lotta questions). We get on very well, I love his humour, it's as sick, twisted and full of fun teasing as mine is. On the surface and to outside viewers we look like we're two very different people, which we are, but underlying this there's a deep connection, earning us the observation from our friends that we're yin and yang. We've already had the initial burst of him hurting me, where he pushed me away but then asked for a second chance which I gave him. We're taking it slow again and I already feel much more in tune with him but I am a little scared still... However, my question is that we're both reasonably young, 20 and he has never been in love before and never had a relationship that lasted past 4 months. He said in a very very personal conversation that he wants me to be that girl for him - I very much want to be that girl for him and I'm willing to take it calm and slow, and although I'm naturally quite affectionate and adoring and I do just wanna burst out with "You're so gorgeous" 24/7 he's helped me to tone down my constant need for attention and return of affections and I've managed to bring him out of his shell a little bit. Am I on the right track? I'm not here to definately conquer him and I'm very aware I can't just make him fall in love with me, but been through a bit of a rough patch and I finally feel stable with this guy - as in, this is the person I WANT to be stable with. He freaked out about things being "too intense" once and when he came back to me he said I had done nothing wrong or been too clingy, it was all him. This of course makes me feel a little out of control because if it's all him freaking out what on earth could I do!? Some of you now may or may not agree with this, I had my tarot read for the first time the other day (which I of course take with a pinch of salt, I see it more as spiritual counselling than actual psychic definative proof...plus I was curious ^_^) and the lady was very neutral about our relationship which came up a lot. She said there was very positive energy around it but there was going to be some chaos coming up...that he may get possessive about me, or move to be closer to me - I think we're too young and it's too soon for confessions of undying love - is this ringing true of any Istp behaviour? There's only so much I can read about it but not being one myself I'm curious to hear from you. I think Istp's are great, it is the type of opposite that I really enjoy being around...which lead me to solidify my confidence that I am an Enfp and not an Enfj, although I harbour a whole bunch of their characteristics...which is weird but their opposite attraction of Istj's are not my type at all, physically and characteristically. Right... I've done a whole lot of typing/talking and for some reason I can hear Maury yelling very very loudly on the tv downstairs...what on earth is going on!?...over to you! -- Storm (Enfp) |
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| A1 Hey Storm, I read through your post and I think it's great that you're so excited about this relationship. I could practically hear you bubbling over with excitement in your message. Just a couple of things to remember (for what's it's worth) because I've been in your position before (genders reversed). 1)The ISTP female I was so enamored with was definitely a great match for me, but things didn't end up working out. Why? Because I think as compatible as ISTP and ENFP are, there are quite a few hurdles to get over. I think that this is one of the tougher dual relationships to work out, only because ISTP chases people away, and ENFP runs away! Do you see how this works? ISTP's like to hurt others so that when they become visibly upset, the ISTP is reassured that they care about them. ENFP's are flighty (but also quite assertive) and don't like to put up with ****. 2) If ISTJ's are not your type at all, that should be pretty good proof for you that you're not an ENFJ-here's a question to ask yourself about this: What's more important to me: gaining knowledge or being wealthy and successful? Because the hidden agendas of these two types are so radically different, you should be able to identify your type right away. ENFP's are knowledge junkies, constantly trying to learn as much as they can about as many subjects as they can, but inevitably never feeling like they know enough. ENFJ's are more concerned with status, prestige, and money. 3) It was interesting that you consulted with a tarot card reader. It's a good place to start, but I've found that the free compatibility reports on astro.com are spot on in their analysis. You'll need both of your birth times and locations to enter them into that site. No guarantees here, but it's astonishing how insightful this site can be. 4) You're only 20 which I know is not what you want to hear, but I met my ISTP girl when I was 21, younger and more naive about relationships. I'm 27 now, and have a better understanding about people's motivations, especially with more experience with all of the different types. 5) You're ENFP...just go with your gut feeling. No one can tell you better than yourself what you need (especially strangers on a message board) Hope this has helped. Good luck with everything. -- Ayahuasca |
| A2 Storm, do you feel that perhaps if he was too clingy that that would be off putting? Maybe the fact that you don't have it all fully sussed keeps you interested in him also? -- Anonymous |
| A3 wow. thats interesting, because i'm in a very similar situation. i'm only 16, and i'm an ENFP dating an ISTP. we've been involved with eachother for about 2 and a half months. he's similarly treated me how your guy has, except it hasn't been as rough. but i do get very frustrated with him and his lack of effort when i want him to understand my feelings, and vise versa. :/ so i guess what i'm wondering is, how has it worked out for you? -- Isabel_ |
| A4 wow. thats interesting, because i'm in a very similar situation. i'm only 16, and i'm an ENFP dating an ISTP. we've been involved with eachother for about 2 and a half months. he's similarly treated me how your guy has, except it hasn't been as rough. but i do get very frustrated with him and his lack of effort when i want him to understand my feelings, and vise versa. :/ so i guess what i'm wondering is, how has it worked out for you? -- Isabel_ |
| A5 Duality is rarely attractive when we are young. We are too much self-concerned and to impatient, so we prefer our friends and fiances to be more like us. In particular NF types wery often expect their partner to guess what they feel, whyle their dual ST types just CAN'T. -- Anonymous |
| A6 agreed, A5. -- isabel again. |
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| A7 Good luck Storm. I can tell you are very sincere. I hope it work out. -- ISTPJim |
A8 Hey Storm! Well done for pushing thro in this relationship..i'm trying to build a friendship with an ISTp and shor, even that's hard!  The main thing i've learnt is that u shouldnt let what they say or do really get to u, like make u wanna give up. You can use it to make u become a better person, but if it's making u wanna run away then dont take it too personally. Coz i that's not the istp's intent. And also, make sure ur voice is heard, and your opinions expressed, like if u dont like something he does, u can tell him! I think enfp's often hav very useful, helpful advice for istp's. So, yes, i dont know if u do the things i've mentioned, but if u havent done them and do them now i'm sure it will create a warmer relationship:) All the best! -- ENFp |
A9 Basically A8 is encouraging you to take verbal abuse from the ISTp. Good job A8. It's people like you that need to shut up because you obviously don't know how much of a problem women and girls taking various kinds of abuse from men and staying in bad relationships is. Girls especially need to be taught to respect themselves enough and to have a high enough self esteem to never be vulnerable to abusive guys and relationships. Why continue putting up with all that crap thats obviously out of your control and none of which is your fault and you don't deserve? Guess I wouldnt really understand, or rather I wouldn't want to understand why someone would want to put up with all that, cause I'm an ENXp. I'd rather find my charming INFj or ISFp. I'd honestly be willing to make sacrifices, help and shower an ISTp with love IF he didn't mistreat me. But he did, and so I closed that gate permanently. And I am very happy with my decision. I don't want verbal abuse or someone that doesn't want to love me the way I am and change me. The worst part is they think they are "improving" me to make it easier for them to love me. Hah, I've only gotten worse and worse in every way since I've been with him. And if people point out flaws (unless theyre distant friends that dont know any better) I usually instinctively rebel and go the opposite way and try to avoid them as much as possible until they apologize (I've done that to close friends and family too! I'm very selective of the people I let close). I believe in a very different kind of love, always have. Which he would never understand and at this point, I don't want him to since there is absolutely no point in that. Hopefully he'll find an ENFp that believes in his kind of love.. heck I've seen many awesome ENFps like you that believe in that kind of love.  -- Anonymous |
A10 Through my observations of ISTp's in general, it seems as if they MUST go through a period of uproar and frustration in a relationship, before reconciling and making it up. I believe it might have to do with the notion of their PoLR,  . Luckily you're his dual, so by just being natural and not further provoking his tension as it comes up, he should come to realize that he can trust you with his emotions and not dwell in the fear that you'll leave him for good. Yeah, I believe he's just having a hard time completely trusting anybody, especially in an intimate relationship. Keep up the good work, you're being very faithful! -- David - ENFj |
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